tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73347102024-03-23T06:29:50.260-12:00You Can't Make It UpYou've got something on your face. No.... a little higher. Yeah, there. Oh, that's a mole? Oh.... [long pause.] It's pretty.Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comBlogger835125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-20551324333811964882007-11-12T03:01:00.001-12:002007-11-12T03:03:17.285-12:00SHOW TONIGHT! Tell Your Friends @ Lolita BarHi all,<br /><br />My hosting duties continue all this month and next, as I host "Tell Your Friends", the long-running hit alternative comedy show in the Lower East Side. Tonight's line-up is stellar:<br />November 12th @ 8:00 PM<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Christian Finnegan</span> (Best Week Ever)<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Brian Baumley</span> (Stand Up NY)<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Leo Allen</span> (Premium Blend, Writer for SNL)<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Tom Shillue</span> (Comedy Central Presents)<br /><br />Lolita Bar: 266 Broome Street, New York, NY 10002, between Allen and Orchard Street.<br /><br />So, you know... "TELL YOUR FRIENDS!"<br /><br />Hope to see you later!Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-10322089225959533682007-10-29T09:47:00.000-12:002007-10-29T09:51:40.047-12:00LAST SHOW! Tomorrow night, Join me!**Last Show**Last Show**Last Show**Last Show**Last Show**Last Show**Last Show**Last Show<br /><br />TOMORROW NIGHT! 10 PM! LAST SHOW!<br /><br />My month long residency at Rififi end tomorrow night, everyone. It's gonna be a big show, and I hope you can make it!<br /><br />Please join me tomorrow night, when I welcome my dear guests:<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />VICTOR VARNADO</span> - Too many things to mention, here's his IMDB link http://imdb.com/name/nm0890075/ A TREAT OF A MAN!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">BARON VAUGHN </span>- Funnyman extraordinaire, on 8,000 college tours at any given time!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">JOE MANDE </span>- One of the Heeb 100, One of My Top 5 Kikes of All Time<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">NICK STEVENS</span> - Took time out of his ESPN Taping Sched to join us! <br /><br />$5!<br /><br />Rififi<br />332 E. 11th St. btwn 1st & 2nd Ave<br />Tuesday, October 30 @ 10 PMMichelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-74638639813718809392007-10-16T04:31:00.000-12:002007-10-16T04:36:39.524-12:00Join Me Tonight!Hey all, it's that time of week again... time for my Tuesday Night Extravaganza at Rififi!<br /><br />My month long show "Just an Evening?" (which I'm considering changing to "Just a Chat!") at Rififi continues tomorrow night at 10 PM with these amazing comics:<br /><br />You've seen him on The Rejection Show, and you might be his neighbor in Brooklyn... <a href="http://www.tremendousrabbit.com/">JON FRIEDMAN</a>!<br /><br />The charming host of hit viral video sensation Best Night Ever.... <a href="http://perpetuallynauseous.blogspot.com/">MICHAEL CYRIL CREIGHTON</a>!<br /><br />Yet... another charming host of hit viral video sensation Best Night Ever, he's a Sunday night staple at Rififi... <a href="http://maxsilvestri.com/">MAX SILVESTRI</a>!<br /><br />And me! I have a presentation involving goats, so don't miss it!<br /><br />And to fulfill my usual audience desperation quota in these e-mails: PLEASE COME AND BRING MANY FRIENDS!<br /><br />These shows are always really fun, and at only $5... how dare you not come?<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Rififi<br />332 E. 11th St. btwn 1st & 2nd Ave<br />Tuesday, October 16 @ 10 PM</span><br /><br />Hope to see you!Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-88248621609784481062007-10-09T05:01:00.000-12:002007-10-09T05:02:06.847-12:00TONIGHT! Just an Evening? with Me!TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT!! 10 PM @RIFIFI OCTOBER 9<br /><br />Hey guys,<br /><br />My month long residence "Just an Evening?" at Rififi continues tonight at 10 PM with these amazing comics - all of whom you've seen on TV!<br /><br />Kurt Braunohler<br />Baron Vaughn<br />Hayes Hargrove<br />Gabe & Jenny<br /><br />And to fulfill my usual audience desperation quota in these e-mails: PLEASE COME AND BRING MANY FRIENDS!<br /><br />These shows are always really fun, and at only $5...<br /><br />Rififi<br />332 E. 11th St. btwn 1st & 2nd Ave<br />Tuesday, August 21 @ 10 PM<br /><br />I will be singing the sextet from Lucia di Lammermoor ALONE!<br /><br />Feverishly,<br />MichelleMichelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-30706456438068524222007-09-27T16:45:00.001-12:002007-10-01T04:04:49.823-12:00Conversations with Mother, Part 2,355: "Where the Hell Did You Get These Towels?"<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RvyP1yIAZ3I/AAAAAAAAABw/XB5S0IgEvn0/s1600-h/NEW+YORK+POSTCARD.JPG"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RvyP1yIAZ3I/AAAAAAAAABw/XB5S0IgEvn0/s400/NEW+YORK+POSTCARD.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5115121430937233266" /></a>Why hello there, faithful readers who are still checking in with lil' ol' MimiCoco! How've you been these last couple of lonely months? As I type this, a loud bang occurs outside of my window and a man screams... New York City! You know what I mean?<br /><br />Anyway, enough about you, here's how I've been. I traveled back to my hometown of Miami, Florida last week to visit my parents whom I hadn't seen since the beginning of the year. I spent my 5 day minibreak wisely, doing some killer outlet shopping -- don't get me started on the $8,000 Michael Kors Pocahontas bag I picked up at Neiman's for a steal! ($2,100) -- and taking <span style="font-weight:bold;"><a href="http://flickr.com/photos/71332098@N00/">hundreds of photos of the original ghost baller himself</a></span>, <span style="font-weight:bold;">Lutzy</span>, in the hopes of making it <span style="font-weight:bold;"><a href="http://stuffonmycat.com/">onto this site</a></span>. Here's a preev:<br /><br /><center><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWrVCSNMqH2OMwinlCchYXOMDNtvc8TD6He_iJFtLc2Ou3DXLuHUDcT4aVq1dLdVymYvr_EDHYZQ9QW4ezETBZpf8q0cd-t18SY3kmhdotDsx_w8eqeYtxYRzAkActPzs8kBCcNg/s1600-h/LUTZY+SHOWERCAP.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWrVCSNMqH2OMwinlCchYXOMDNtvc8TD6He_iJFtLc2Ou3DXLuHUDcT4aVq1dLdVymYvr_EDHYZQ9QW4ezETBZpf8q0cd-t18SY3kmhdotDsx_w8eqeYtxYRzAkActPzs8kBCcNg/s400/LUTZY+SHOWERCAP.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5115117651366012722" /></a></center><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">(<span style="font-style:italic;">Kitty throat clear</span>): I dreamed a dream in time gone by, When hope was high, And life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die! I dreamed that God would be forgiving! (<span style="font-style:italic;">Cue soft paws clapping.</span>)</span><br /><br />I also managed to exchange the usual pleasantries with my mother, including this little ditty, which I am entitled <span style="font-weight:bold;">"The L.L. Bean Towel Incident"</span>:<br /><br />(Cut to my mother, folding up my already clean laundry, which she insists on rewashing because she doesn't trust the detergent I buy. She grabs an oversized white towel with a navy blue "M" embroidered onto it.)<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RvyPBSIAZ2I/AAAAAAAAABo/t6movxur7TM/s1600-h/MOM+IS+THE+MAID.JPG"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RvyPBSIAZ2I/AAAAAAAAABo/t6movxur7TM/s400/MOM+IS+THE+MAID.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5115120528994101090" /></a><span style="font-weight:bold;">Mother:</span> WHERE DID YOU GET THIS TOWEL?<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Me:</span> Oh, the L.L. Bean Outlet in Maine. They put the "mistake" towels in a bin for like $6, and I found one with an M on it. Why?<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Mother:</span> IT IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL TOWEL! IT'S HUGE!!<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Me:</span> I know.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Mother:</span> AND THE PILE... IT'S SO THICK! WHY, I THINK THIS MIGHT BE ONE OF THE NICEST TOWELS I'VE EVER SEEN!<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Me:</span> Do you want it?<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Mother:</span> Nuch, get out of here!<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Me:</span> I can buy you one online and ship it here... they're like $20...<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Mother:</span> Uch, please, keep your money, do me a favor... I don't NEED any towels.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Me:</span> Are you sure? I'm glad to do it.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Mother:</span> MICHELLE, PLEASE! Get out of here with your idiot ideas.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Cut to:</span> The Next Morning.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Me</span>: (<span style="font-style:italic;">Washing my face, and drying it on one of my parents' towels. As my face pulls away, the entire towel is soaked in blood, because that is how hard and stiff and sandpapery it is.</span>)<br /><br /><center><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RvyNrSIAZ0I/AAAAAAAAABY/3ag33-Ws5Tk/s1600-h/TOWEL+HEAD.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RvyNrSIAZ0I/AAAAAAAAABY/3ag33-Ws5Tk/s400/TOWEL+HEAD.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5115119051525351234" /></a></center><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">This towel is literally absorbing every ounce of moisture from my body!</span><br /><br />Thankfully this will all be part of the upcoming horror movie I'm writing called <span style="font-weight:bold;">"Mother's Towels."</span><br /><br />I'd also hand out a made up invisible award to my favorite Google search used to get to this blog this week, to the brilliance that is: <span style="font-weight:bold;"><a href="http://www.google.com/search?source=ig&hl=en&q=pregnant%20half%20human%20half%20horse%20dream">pregnant half human half horse dream.<br /></a></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">FINALLY!!! ONE LAST THING!!!</span><br /><br />For the entire month of October, I will be hosting a stand-up comedy show on Tuesday night's at 10 PM at Rififi! Please join me this Tuesday as I welcome my guests: <span style="font-weight:bold;">Dave Hill, Adam Cole-Kelly and Sara Jo Alloco and Brandy Barber to the stage!!! <br /><br />The details:</span><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Just an Evening? with Michelle Collins<br />Tuesday October 2 (and all other October Tuesdays) <br />10 PM<br />$5<br />Rififi<br />332 East 11th St BTWN 11th and 12th</span>Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-6234941607150912182007-08-28T01:25:00.002-12:002007-08-28T01:30:47.218-12:00Show Tonight!! Just an Evening? with Michelle CollinsBIG SHOW BIG SHOW BIG SHOW BIG SHOWWWW!!!<br /><br />Hi guys -- I'm hosting a show tonight at Rififi, promising at least one hour of me just bein me, i.e. singing and laughing and just having a great timeeee! Here's the info:<br /><br />Just an Evening? with Michelle Collins TONIGHT!<br /><br />Hey Guys!<br /><br />TONIGHT, RIFIFI @ 10 PM<br /><br />FINAL SHOW<br /><br />Just an Evening? With Michelle Collins (me)<br /><br />Amazing guests, so many good times with:<br /><br />Roger Hailes (MTV, Commie Central)<br />Rob Lathan (Late Night with Conan O'Brien)<br />Ann Carr (Comedy Central, Hilarious Town, USA)<br />And<br />Greg Johnson (Many, Many Credits, He's So Humble!!!)<br /><br />PLEASE COME! It will be incredibly fun. I will be doing a lot of singing, so bring your babies! Here's the info:<br /><br />Rififi<br />332 E. 11th St. btwn 1st & 2nd Ave<br />Tuesday, August 28 @ 10 PM<br />$5<br /><br />Xoxo<br />Please come to my show<br />Michelle<br />Is begging you.<br /><br />xoxox2<br />Manatee Cat<br /><br /><img style="width: 464px; height: 310px;" src="http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/128295297077501250manateecatiz.jpg" />Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-56814675994746507262007-08-14T17:35:00.000-12:002007-08-14T18:09:25.816-12:00Alexyss Tylor Is Back and Fully Against Anal<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RiWlJh8qwZI/AAAAAAAAAAc/ecuqtRSXWOU/s1600-h/VAGINA+POWER+PIC.JPG"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RiWlJh8qwZI/AAAAAAAAAAc/ecuqtRSXWOU/s400/VAGINA+POWER+PIC.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5054627739943485842" border="0" /></a><br /><br />If you thought <span style="font-weight:bold;">Alxyss Tylor</span>'s <a href="http://youcantmakeitup.blogspot.com/2007/04/vagina-power-ten-minute-play-by-alexis.html">previous rants</a> were the epitome of genius, you were right. So please, check out this latest video of hers, where Ms. Tylor speaks her mind about the down low gay community and, more importantly, anal sex. Under normal circumstances, <a href="http://youcantmakeitup.blogspot.com/2007/04/vagina-power-ten-minute-play-by-alexis.html">I would transcribe her extreme not-safe-for-workness</a> so that you could enjoy the brilliance of her rancid mind from the comfort of your work cubicle. But seeing as it's 2 AM, all you really need to know is there are men out there who will suck d for food. Oh, and her mother is back, with the same accordian file blocking what I'm assuming is a colossal camel toe.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />"Alexyss K. Tylor's Warning to Gay Boys"</span> <span style="font-weight:bold;">(NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)</span><br /><br /><center><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/KGeH_xl5nDs"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/KGeH_xl5nDs" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object></center><br /><br />The real question is why didn't she and the hair-tail hanging out of her head replace <span style="font-weight:bold;">Rosie</span> on the View?Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-37443169141199255142007-07-03T09:35:00.000-12:002007-07-03T09:57:01.898-12:00I'm a Maine-iac on the Run!Happy Pre-Independence Day to all. This last weekend, I travelled to Portland, Maine to visit some old friends and buy 17 towels at the L.L. Bean Factory Outlet. I also toted along my new digital camera, which I was convinced was a piece of garbage... until now:<br /><br /><center><img src="http://img253.imageshack.us/img253/8200/skylinenysunlg2df3.jpg" /></center><br />A photo of the sunset over Manhattan as the plane was about to land at JFK. That, or a preview of the impending apocalypse. (<a href="http://img526.imageshack.us/img526/5305/skylinenysunvo5.jpg">Click here for an xlarge version</a>)<br /><br /><center><img style="width: 437px; height: 341px;" src="http://img159.imageshack.us/img159/6357/michheatqn2cg3.jpg" /></center><br />You may have noticed how "hot" my clavicle is.<br /><br /><center><img style="width: 461px; height: 337px;" src="http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/6104/pict0106os5jm8.jpg" /></center><br />Barnacles at Cape Elizabeth. Note: When you sing Happy Birthday to a snail, it crawls out of its shell. My friends and I looked insane proving this theory to be true. But, oh, <a href="http://img296.imageshack.us/img296/3395/pict0106os5.jpg">the texture</a>!<br /><br /><center><img style="width: 451px; height: 339px;" src="http://img412.imageshack.us/img412/2024/pict0155wj6nc1.jpg" /></center><br />Did someone say they were dying to see the most photographed lighthouse in the world? Wish = command. Taken on a "Lighthouse Lovers" Cruise. Seriously.<br /><br /><center><img style="width: 441px; height: 331px;" src="http://img255.imageshack.us/img255/5740/pict0131pf5zq7.jpg" /></center><br />It's hard to see the depth on this one unless you look at <a href="http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/3412/pict0131pf5.jpg">the bigger picture</a>... Needless to say, I'm extremely proud of myself.<br /><br />Have a great holiday everyone!Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-59508286613579865852007-06-10T07:10:00.000-12:002007-06-10T07:24:36.746-12:00The Most Convincing Argument to Buy a Mac YetLast night, after a long-night of wine-consuming and food-eating, I returned home only to find an e-mail from my friend Lindsay titled "The Best Reason to Buy a Mac." I thought: "Here we go again", as all of my genius friends do their best to turn me to the white side. Only this time, I opened my e-mail to find the following comic -- made on a Mac, of course -- attached:<br /><br /><img src="http://img64.imageshack.us/img64/9909/catmonkeydeathqq9.jpg" /><br /><br />I think I'm finally starting to see the light.Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-65678134515152296922007-05-31T02:12:00.000-12:002007-05-31T02:27:24.350-12:00Caroline's Comedy Tonight!Hey guys --<br /><br />Performing a lil' stand-up comedy at the legendary Caroline's Comedy Club tonight! Here's the info, I'll make it quick:<br /><br />Llame Toe w/ Bobbie Tisdale<br />Caroline's<br />1626 Broadway at 50th<br />10 pm - $8 + 2 Drinks <br /><br />The lineup includes BWE fave John Mulaney, Baron Vaughn, Gabe & Jenny, and many more special guests! <br /><br />OK, now that the Kurt Schilling is over... a sweet e-mail:<br /><br />Many moons ago, I posted the famous 50 Animals in Casts list, and ever since, proud parents of clumsy animals have been e-mailing me precious photos of their little ones bandaged up. Today, I bring you Cupcake, who according to his owners "has had three lots of eye surgery AND is a real little trooper." It's sort of sad, but the heart on his head is 2MUCH2HANDLE.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/Rl7anFZMtVI/AAAAAAAAABA/8jThT-Cn8sg/s1600-h/CupCake003.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/Rl7anFZMtVI/AAAAAAAAABA/8jThT-Cn8sg/s400/CupCake003.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5070730595463378258" /></a><br /><br />Sweetness! Also, if you guys are incredibly bored with me, as I know you are, check out my best friend Annie's blog called <a href="http://apekabuki.blogspot.com/">Ape Kabuki</a>. When not being hilarious and -- dare I say -- quite opinionated, she posts beautiful hand-made drawings and etchings for your perusal. Camman... her cat sort of looks like Hitler. Do it!Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-52091060092578860682007-04-28T06:05:00.000-12:002007-04-28T06:44:28.176-12:00An Encounter with Walter Matthau<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RjOR5tCklmI/AAAAAAAAAAo/wgdG2TdOqUM/s1600-h/RUFUS+WAINWRIGHT.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RjOR5tCklmI/AAAAAAAAAAo/wgdG2TdOqUM/s400/RUFUS+WAINWRIGHT.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5058547226996151906" /></a><br />(Photo via <a href="http://www.brooklynvegan.com/archives/2007/04/dave_hill_rufus.html">Brooklyn Vegan</a>)<br /><br />A couple of weeks ago, I caught the latest installment of the <span style="font-weight:bold;">Dave Hill Explosion</span> at the Upright Citizens Brigade. Dave's guests included <span style="font-weight:bold;">Dick "Chatty Cathy" Cavett</span> and the absolutely delightful <span style="font-weight:bold;">Rufus Wainwright</span>. Dick Cavett was a special treat -- if only because my own parents made me call into his CNBC talk show as a girl only to ask him why he talked more than his guests. And you wonder why I have emotional problems.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RjOSctCkloI/AAAAAAAAAA4/C7q0w7Otxo0/s1600-h/Walter+Matthau.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RjOSctCkloI/AAAAAAAAAA4/C7q0w7Otxo0/s400/Walter+Matthau.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5058547828291573378" /></a>While Dick brought a handful of old timey entertaining stories (think <span style="font-weight:bold;">Groucho Marx</span> and <span style="font-weight:bold;">Woody Allen</span>), believe it or not it was Rufus Wainwright who absolutely stole the show. After singing two mesmerizingly beautiful songs, Rufskies sat down and regaled the audience with his charming laugh, his thick head of hair, and hands down the best story of the night involving everyone's favorite late curmudgeon, <span style="font-weight:bold;">Walter Matthau</span>. It went something like this:<br /><br />Walter Matthau and his wife had taken a trip to Auschwitz. As they were about to enter one of the gas chambers with their tour guide, a woman runs up to him. <br /><br />"Oh my God, Mr. Matthau!" she screamed. "I am such a huge fan of yours! Would you mind giving me an autograph?"<br /><br />"What?" he responded. "Absolutely not. That's completely inappropriate. I can't believe you would even ask me that here." With that, him, his wife and the guide go into the chamber.<br /><br />About an hour later, he's walking out of the compound, and the woman approaches him again.<br /><br />"I just want you to know," she says "You ruined my trip to Auschwitz!"Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-60247093706337565322007-04-17T16:29:00.000-12:002007-04-22T04:57:31.560-12:00Vagina Power: A Ten Minute Play by Alexis Tyler Alexyss Tylor<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RiWlJh8qwZI/AAAAAAAAAAc/ecuqtRSXWOU/s1600-h/VAGINA+POWER+PIC.JPG"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/RiWlJh8qwZI/AAAAAAAAAAc/ecuqtRSXWOU/s400/VAGINA+POWER+PIC.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5054627739943485842" border="0" /></a><br />Yesterday, <a href="http://gawker.com/news/remainders/remainders-tv-is-the-new-internets-253065.php"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Gawker went ahead and posted what is possibly the most genius, not to mention poignant, clip to ever grace the archives of Youtube</span>.</a> Courtesy of a cable access show in Atlanta, the clip is 9 minutes of theatrical Not Safe for Work Bliss. While we could easily just embed the video in this post and call it a day, the more we listened to it with friends and coworkers, the more we realized we were listening to possibly the best 10 minute short play ever written. The things you will learn!<br /><br />And so I transcribed it. How long did it take me? That's not important. (An hour.) What's important is that below is a piece of literal genius. Stay tuned for a live reading of the following play at an upcoming stand-up show.<br /><br /><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.myspace.com/alexyssktylorvaginapower">Check out Alexyss' Myspace Page for a lesson in Hysterectomy 101.</a><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span>Noon-town!<br /><br />(<span style="font-weight: bold;">NOTE</span>: Reading is not for the faint of heart.)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />VAGINA POWER<br />By Alexis Tyler/Alexyss Tylor</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Characters</span>:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">ALEXIS TYLER</span>/<span style="font-weight: bold;">ALEXYSS TYLOR</span>: Southern black woman in her late 30's/early 40's. Dressed in a nice business suit and long braid. Put together on the outside, unravelling within.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">GUEST</span>: Heavyset older black woman holding huge portfolio of some sort over her crotch.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: …Of some of the things I’m talking about, cause if you really want to earn ya man your need to learn ya man. And a lot of times we get caught up with the wrong man, or caught up in a man’s penis power, because it’s good. I mean if a man has been around, and he’s a ho, especially like the one’s I’m talkin’ about, they’re hopping from here, here and there, they have a lot of practice, and they know a woman’s body, they know the power of their penis, and they know how to soothe her body and to sooth her vagina, so it’s really easy to be caught up with that dog kinda man. Like that one girl asked me “Well why,” she thought somethin’ was wrong with her because she liked the flashy guys with the jewelry, I said “Well, there’s nothin’ wrong with liking a flashy man, you just have to know what time of spirit and energy he’s carrying. Because there are some good men, though they still like to flash, they’re not whores. And the don’t give their penis to everybody. You have to be able to recognize em.<br /><br />Because the man that is living to ejaculate? He’s in a predator mode. And when the man is in a predator mode, he’s gonna look for the weaknesses of a woman. A woman that’s lonely. Her vagina is cold. She’s layin’ in bed at night playin’ with her toys, or she’s got a man beside her, he’s a good provider, but he’s not hittin the walls and working the middle like that dog she’s having the sneaky sex with.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">HEAVY GUEST</span>: But what drives a woman to toys?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: Because, like I said, she needs the vagina penetration. A lot of women are hooked on having clitoral stimulations. You have an outer orgasm with your clitoris, but also you have <span style="font-style: italic;">inner</span> orgasms, inside the intra vagina. Inside the vagina walls. Hidden g spots. And every woman’s g spots may be similar, or some women they have more than one g spot. So some women are actually hooked on cummin’.<br /><br />I mean there’s women that can be at work, at their desk, they got the jack rabbit on, it’s a part you can buy, hook it onto your clitoris all throughout the <span style="font-style: italic;">day</span>, and you can be having orgasms –-<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">HEAVY GUEST</span>: Jackrabbit?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: I knew some girls and that was their favorite product. They called it their favorite best buddy to keep in their pocket book.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">HEAVY GUEST</span>: But, see, I go back to when I was a little girl, bein’ raised in the country, jack rabbit… jump from here to there.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: Yeah, we ain’t talking bout the rabbit –<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">HEAVY GUEST</span>: Jump – Jump –<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: Yeah but --<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">HEAVY GUEST</span>: We ain’t talkin’ bout a real rabbit. Jump. When a rabbit, in nature… jump from here to there. Just constantly. Movin.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: Yes, and they say that they have takin’ the same concept of the rabbit jumpin’ from here to there… the design of it… it jump all up on the clitoris (<span style="font-style: italic;">bounces invisible basketball</span>) Just jump out of control and make the woman have incredible orgasms. That’s why they call that –<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />HEAVY GUEST</span>: We are livin’ in the 21st century.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: That’s the mechanical jackrabbit for the <span style="font-style: italic;">clit</span>.<br /><br />Some men, they have so much heat and intensity in their peenus, that you can feel it radiating through their clothes. Just to touch the penis… it’s on fire, it feels like it’s fire underneath the skin. So a lot of women actually start goin’ crazy. Cause all penises are not created equal, and they don’t hold the same level of intensity. So if there’s one hot like that, and he has the energy, and he knows how to work his hips, work his buttocks, and really twist her and bend her like she’s a pretzel, give her the gratification she needs, she’s going to be hooked and think that that’s love or on a deeper root level, she’s going to become sexually, mentally and emotionally attached… although he ain’t <span style="font-style: italic;">no gooood</span>. And this other man she with provides for her. Take care uh children that aren’t even his, that woman will still sneak, and get that penis power from him.<br /><br />But what she doesn’t realize is we have to deal with our attachments and separate the love, the orgasm and the penis. They are separate issues. Cause if we at a lower level of it, and we’re hooked on the penis power, and this man won’t even buy you some shrimp from Long John Silvers. And what. That plate what… $2.99?<br /><br />But he can give you a mouthful of sperm and a rectum full of sperm. We have to see what our issue is. Because a man like that doesn’t respect a woman. Yeah, he’ll hit her. But if a man is having sex with you and he had the opportunity to be with you, or he’s an ex, and that mean he had you before the other man that’s providing for you could get to you. And all he’s offering you is a side of penis? When he could sneak in and out yo man bed and out yo man house? That man ain’t got no respect for you! And he know you don’t have none for yourself. Because you’re so hooked on him and you’re hooked on the penis, you will sacrifice and sell yourself out to let him come in the backdoor, or let him come at lunch or let him come in the daaaark, when your real man that don’t have the same penis power is heralding all the expenses. So a woman think she getting over, and think “Oh that’s the best sex”, but she really playin herself, and he playin her. Cause it ain’t about her. It’s about his ego, and about his penis, and his testicles, and how many notches he can get up on his belt to brag about.<br /><br />Remember… don’t let every man hit the bottom of your vagina, the root of your vagina…<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />HEAVY GUEST</span>: They don’t know about the bottom. They don’t know about the bottom.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: But see every man may not know because he might not have a penis to really know how to hit that bottom, or how to lift and hit that bottom, or how to work that middle with a woman. She spread her legs wide and she start screamin’ sayin’ “Yeah daddy, das it” or she might start cursin’ or screamin’ out all types of profanities cause he doesn’t hit the bottom and now her mind… (<span style="font-style: italic;">hand to head</span>) She insane. Her mind ain’t good. Because the penis done ejaculated all up in her brain. She’s gone <span style="font-style: italic;">crazy</span>. So you don’t let every man hit your bottom, and your body remembers it. Just like a man’ll put a woman over doggy style, or maybe get a mirror or somethin’, then they start hittin’ that woman from the back….<br /><br />Then they start <span style="font-style: italic;">talkin’</span>. (<span style="font-style: italic;">pause</span>) They start sayin’ all kinds uh stuff to her while they’re hittin her, and see that woman is bein’ seduced, she bein’ seduced, he breakin her down man. He is screwin’ her into <span style="font-style: italic;">submissssion</span>. He’s screwin’ her into slavery by usin’ the penis as a weapon to break her ass DOWN! And her defenses! I mean she wide open, with a penis all up in your vagina, man, you don’t have no defenses?!<br /><br />Unless you are just really thinking, and this is not about the love experience, this is about a money experience or she’s a prostitute, then she’s workin’ it just for her benefit. But when a woman’s really liking this man and she’s feeling him and what he’s doin – especially if she’s sneakin around with him and he has nothing to give her, and her man is treatin her better than he is – he has already gotten her defenses down when she’s very weak, and that’s the worst thing that can happen, is a man to get you, and while he’s thrustin’ the penis in and out – WHO WHO WHO WHO IS IT? Whose vagina is it? Who does it belong to? That that that what’d I say? Who? And then the woman starts callin’ out the man’s naaaame, screamin the man’s name.<br /><br />Then she let him know she’s comin. When she’s comin’ she hollerin, she callin for him.<br /><br />This stuff is programmed all up in this woman’s vagina, rectum, uterus, all up in this mind right here (<span style="font-style: italic;">pause</span>)<br /><br />And that will actually <span style="font-style: italic;">bind her</span>. Actually reduce her to a cum freak. So if she can’t get to him, she’ll slip him in, and that’s where the jack rabbits, and all them different size penises and dildos come in, because she’s tryin to, she’s rememberin, and trying to recapture that experience.<br /><br />And that’s why I said, you don’t wanna let everybody hit that bottom, you don’t want to let everybody spank you and talk to you in all kinda ways! Because women – especially when the man pull it back, won’t give you no penis no more – women be all in the bed at night, tryin to sleep, they tossin and turning and dreaming about it. Lawd have mercy! Wake up out there sleep cause they done dream their man did this to somebody else! And the thought of that, you know, is devastating. That woman heart get to beatin fast, blood pressure go up, she can’t hardly catch her breath. Just to think about that man, just ration that out, just laid that out for somebody <span style="font-style: italic;">else</span>, bent them over and talk to them too? And spank them?<br /><br />[I may not have] a PhD and a Master’s degree to put on my wall in <span style="font-style: italic;">Acadeeemia</span>, but I have a Master’s degree in bein’ played by men, used by men, told everything I wanted to hear to get men in positions.<br /><br />And I am, to be honest with you –- I’m just gonna be real about it! – I’m very upset by being made a fool out of.<br /><br />We’re about to close now. But is there something? Cause I didn’t let you talk very much.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">HEAVY GUEST</span>: Well I –<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: You let me talk! So say what you want to say.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />HEAVY GUEST</span>: Well…<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: Go ahead, for the closing, say what you wanna say. I’m sorry.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />HEAVY GUEST</span>: The only thing I want to say is, again, I’ve learned something…. That I didn’t know. And I’m definitely gonna be on the watch out. Cause I know what’s out there. That’ll come atcha. And from what your saying it’s comin atcha with all full force. All this power comin atcha. Then a girl ain’t got a chance. So I’m gonna have to say “Pray it up!”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: We have to know who we are and we have to know our roles.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">HEAVY GUEST</span>: I’ve got to keep standing in the Lord. I’ve got to ask Jesus to keep me every day.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AT</span>: Thank you for watching the Alexis Tyler Show. And we’ll see you next time with more of…. Vagiiiina Poooower. (<span style="font-style: italic;">maniacal laugher</span>)<br /><br />(<span style="font-style: italic;">The two dance in their seats to a slow jam.</span>)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SOURCE MATERIAL:</span><br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/cVv4ng2Ya44"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/cVv4ng2Ya44" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">UPDATE: YET MORE INSANITY!!!!</span> (No more transcribing though -- these videos are like a "noose on my balls."<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/TcuXfFvUQ7w"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/TcuXfFvUQ7w" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/HKSVXp03Ytk"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/HKSVXp03Ytk" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">ps</span> That woman next to her? Her mother. Bye.Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-948894277789175682007-04-11T07:57:00.000-12:002007-04-11T08:16:15.067-12:00The Duke Lacrosse Player Dating Game<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/Rh0-C_AokDI/AAAAAAAAAAU/bG5G_gA20aQ/s1600-h/DUKE+LACROSSE+PLAYER.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_6GGwU8EcXPE/Rh0-C_AokDI/AAAAAAAAAAU/bG5G_gA20aQ/s400/DUKE+LACROSSE+PLAYER.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5052262577974317106" /></a><br /><br />Earlier today, the North Carolina prosecution <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070411/ap_on_re_us/duke_lacrosse" target="_blank">dropped all charges</a> against three Duke University Lacrosse Players accused of raping a stripper last spring during a party. (No word if the Evite title was "Rape & Grain!"... <em>anyway</em>.) <br /><br />Now that the charges have been dropped, the above three fellas are probably the only guys at Duke University to <em>never</em> have raped anyone -- making all three fantastic catches! Plus, since the stigma of rape was only lifted a handful of hours ago, we're guessing these hotties are single and looking... making them prime candidates in a little game we like to play every now and again called <strong>The Duke Lacrosse Player Dating Game</strong>! Let's take a look at our contestants:<br /><strong><br />Bachelor #1</strong>: <strong>Reade Seligmann</strong> is a history major with a penchant for catchphrases, such as his famous "Reade my lips!", and his intriguing <a href="http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=11603462" target="_blank">Myspace headline</a>: "Raul owns this bitch! ***Inland_Empire***". (Seriously.)<br /><br /><strong>Bachelor #2</strong>: <strong>David Evans</strong>, from Bethesda, Md., was the captain of the Lacrosse team, meaning he's a take charge kinda guy who doesn't take lip from anybody. He enjoys action movies and Mallomars.<br /><br /><strong>Bachelor #3</strong>: <strong>Collin Finnerty</strong> of Garden City, N.Y. would like you to know he is not related to the older brother on <em>Pete & Pete</em>.<br /><br />Let's get the game started!<br /><br /><strong>Bachelorette</strong>: If you guys had could be any ice cream in the world, what flavor would you be?<br /><strong>#1</strong>: Beer.<br /><strong>#2</strong>: Tits.<br /><strong>#3</strong>: Isolation and fear for my future.<br /><br /><strong>Bachelorette</strong>: Ok... Bachelor #1, which Disney character would you say best describes you?<br /><strong>#1</strong>: Beer.<br /><br /><strong>Bachelorette</strong>: #3, same question.<br /><strong>#3</strong>: Is there a character named <strong>Aimless Rage Johnson</strong>? That would be me.<br /><br /><strong>Bachelorette</strong>: Bachelor #2, what's your idea of the perfect date?<br /><strong>#2</strong>: Ummm..... (pause) probably keggerrr -- no, no, sorry -- tits. Definitely tits.<br /><br /><strong>Bachelorette</strong>: OK, final question, to all of you: If I were stranded on a desert island, how would you save me?<br /><strong>#1</strong>: I'd make a raft out of dildos and boob implants. Then I'd float you and your coconuts to safety.<br /><strong>#2</strong>: (Snort) Uh, I'd probably discover a way to turn saltwater into beer, then funnel the ocean directly into my mouth, and have you run into my arms.<br /><strong>#3</strong>: I wouldn't save you, you backstabbing hooker. You'd probably accuse me of trying to <em>drown</em> you. Did you try to save <em>me </em>when I was being falsely accused of rape? Did you? No, no you didn't. You just sat at home applying for some dating reality show that no one will remember 10 years from now. But do you know who'll remember me in 10 years? Goldman Sachs, that's who. And J.P. Morgan. Merrill Lynch will remember. I'm... I'm ruined. My life... is ruined.<br /><br /><strong>Winner</strong>: #2. We've got a great rack.Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1171468614932900222007-02-14T03:53:00.000-12:002007-02-14T04:02:29.180-12:00Reliving My Day as an Extra on Music & LyricsMonths and months and months ago, I posted my journey out to Long Island to be an extra in the movie Music & Lyrics (out today, and Happy Valentine's Day!) Well -- my scene is still in the movie! If you check it out, in the scene where Hugh is playing at Adventureland in Long Island, the camera cuts away to two rather perplexed looking lovers (my and my friend Mike in the roll as boyfriend and girlfriend.) You can't miss me: I'm a head taller than my boyf with the auburn hair of a lion. I'm in it for all of 2 seconds, but it's still a nice closure on my experience, which for convenience's sake, I've reposted below. <br /><br /><img src="http://img144.imageshack.us/img144/185/hughshadowcloseup14au.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Quiz of the Day: Loch Ness Monster? Or Hugh Grant?</span><br /><br />A few weeks ago, a friend in "the Biz" ("Biz" = showbiz, not a parasite living inside of <a href="http://files.bbarak.cz/news/biz_markie/biz_front.jpg"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Biz Markie</span></a>) was describing her latest project: Working behind the scenes on the latest Hugh Grant movie "<a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0758766/"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Music & Lyrics By</span></a>." My friend Mike and I woke up at the crack of dawn to take the bus out of midtown and into Long Island, where we were dropped off at what appeared to be an abandoned amusement park, but what was actually "Adventureland". For those who don't know, "Adventureland" is a menagerie of various "stupid ways to die and/or have fun" set up in Farmingdale, New York. I'm not huge on carnivals, specifically carnies, so I was more than pleased to learn that the people operating the various rides (last inspected in what seemed like 1974) were not drug-addled carnies but, in fact, 14 year olds with no prospects. Safe at last.<br /><br /><img src="http://img144.imageshack.us/img144/2774/mikewaterguns15bo.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mike impersonating a teamster playing a carnival game.</span><br /><br />This was my first experience being an extra, and I couldn't have asked for more. A Hugh Grant movie!! Are you kidding me? I don't think I can name another actor who elicits such heartfelt laughter and realistic seeming wedding dreams as Mr. Grant. I don't want to get "Jet Blue sale fare to psycho-town", but even the worst of his movies have ended up in my DVD collection thanks to his effortless smarm and sex appeal (barring <span style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0116259/">Extreme Measures</a></span> because, well, I'm pretty sure he doesn't end up in bed with Gene Hackman and his undoubtedly huge knickers. Otherwise 4 sure.)<br /><br />The night before, I engaged in my geisha hair-and-make-up ritual. Every strand on my head had been straightened and glossed 3 times over in preparation. I wore an apropos "extras" outfit of off-white cords and a caramel colored blazer. I chose flats because, well, I didn't want to have my head lopped off by a boom mic.<br /><br />How would my encounter with Hugh go down? Would he spot me, holding a parasol and drinking river water with my hands, and immediately invite me back into his trailer? Or would I accidentally take a sip from his coffee, leading to an awkward but upfront exchange about oral herpes, with my wit (and, might I add, herpes free mouth) overwhelming him with lust, leading us to peace the fuck out to his trailer? Would he go into his trailer, find me hiding under his bed Cape Fear-style, scold me for such a childish prank.... and then immediately invite me back to his trailer? I dreamed and dreamed.<br /><br /><img src="http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/8503/meandhughslookalike12qj.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me, slyly taking a camera phone pic of Hugh Grant's stand-in, who bore a striking resemblance to Ty Pennington. I am so grateful my bloated face made it in! Proof that I was there! (EDITOR'S UPDATE: Was I really that insanely puffy? Holy Ess.)</span><br /><br />Following extras check-in, Mike and I broke free from the pack and sat patiently on a bench watching them set up. In the meantime, I chatted up the director's older Jewish mother, who immediately out-ranked Mike as my "On-Set Bestie." I had a brief but thrilling flirtation with an adorable camera guy. I ate 3 bites of an Adventureland Quesedilla. I sat. I waited. I twiddled. And then...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Hugh Grant arrived.</span><br /><br /><img src="http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/3292/hughsingingfaraway9ae.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Can you spot him in this photo? Answer coming up later. Hint: You can't see him.</span><br /><br />Wearing adorable little velvet trousers, white cowboy boots, a white tuxedo shirt and a black leather studded blazer, he looked the part. The part is that of an 80s rock star who failed to hit it big as a solo artist and must resort to performing at, yes, Adventureland. My own Jewish maternal instinct kicked in, as Hugh looked very thin in person, smaller than he seems on screen. With him in the movie is Drew Barrymore, who speaking of petite, is tine-tine. Poor thing gets a reputation for being "not so thin" because she has a strong jaw, but I swear in 4 inch heels she was a little over 5 feet tall, waif-thin, and very cute. On the other end of the freaky-sized-celeb spectrum was <span style="font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://imdb.com/name/nm0004951/">Brad Garrett</a></span>, better known as the brother on Everybody Loves Raymond. Much handsomer in person, I'm putting my comedy career on the line by saying that yes, I sometimes watch Raymond, and you know what? I laugh, so fuck you and your high brow judgment.<br /><br />Seeing Hugh made me giddy. But I'm no asshole, I know how to behave. I wasn't about to go up to these actors and tell them that I'm a "fan" because, really, it's the douchiest, and my name ain't Massengil Collins. No, my plan was to pass Hugh on set, cock my head, wink an eye, give a tug at my jacket lapel, and say "Trade blazers?" For some reason, I thought this was brill. "Trade blazers! It's perfect!" I told Mike, who lowered his head in disgust and shame. Just random enough to get his attention, but coy enough to point out that we were both wearing ladies blazers.<br /><br />I ran it by my friend working on the set, who immediately put me in my place and told me to behave. There would be no small talking with Hugh. If I didn't want to be sent back to the "Exta's Pen" (i.e. the Adventureland cafeteria, filled to the brim with 40-something actresses looking for their big break) I'd have to remain quiet.<br /><br /><img src="http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/5229/makeuproom38ml.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Extra's Pen: Where Dreams Become a Fast-Food Character Driven Nightmare.</span><br /><br />We filmed our extra's scene, which was kind of cute. Mike and I played boyf/girlf, and the camera follows us walking behind a crowd of fans while totally disregarding Hugh's singing. We held hands and ate tri-colored snocones. We practiced looking "non-chalant", which may actually lend itself to our looking just a <span style="font-style: italic;">tad</span> "chalant". I'm a solid head taller than Mike, so if and when you see the movie (which I get the feeling is gonna be great), and you spot a man and woman holding hands eating snocones, and you wonder "Are they dating? Or is that his mom?", that's me and Mike. And I swear to God, if my face ends up on the big screen, even for a brief mome, I will absolutely slit my throat in joy. Just like I did when they filmed my apartment in "New Jack City".<br /><br /><img src="http://img144.imageshack.us/img144/9523/mikebench16ox.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mike and I sitting on a bench. This is a bird's eye view of 95 percent of my day. </span><br /><br />During lunch, the PA's had all the amusement park rides opened for the people working behind the scenes. (Think key grips and the like.) We went on a hilarious roller coaster that looks like it's made for babies, up until you're dangled upside-down with your ovaries hanging out of your mouth crying out for Jesus to save you. Then there was a Haunted House ride that was basically a box on wheels moving slowly through a pitch black room, which is actually pretty fucking scary. This morning I was shocked to find bruises on my legs -- I think I was literally "Too Tall To Ride."<br /><br /><img src="http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/6606/michandwitch18id.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me and a haunted house witch. Don't let the smile fool you: I was sure the moment I touched her she would reanimate into Karl Lagerfeld.</span><br /><br />I had a brief, random encounter with Drew B. Someone brought a baby husky on the set and I, being half-mongoloid/half-carpathian, ran over to the puppy with arms outstretched and milk dribling down my chest, just wanting to embrace it's tiny dog-body. She was there along with her friend and some younger kids, and truly seems genuinely sweet -- I don't think it's an on-screen shtick with her. I managed to hold myself together and not remove the torah scroll I keep tucked in my bra with the 15 reasons why "Ever After" is one of my favorite movies ev.<br /><br />Towards the end of the day, Hugh, Drew and Brad were filming the same scene they had been working on the entire day from a different camera angle. It must have been the 50th time they were running the lines, and Hugh seemed fatigued. Fragile, British, and fatigued. He kept mussin' his lines up, and getting progressively more agitated. It didn't help that he was surrounded by 5 year olds holding hands with their incredibly aggressive stage moms (see also: Me in 15 years.)<br /><br />After flubbing a line for the 4th time in a row, Hugh <span style="font-style: italic;">freaked</span>. I was standing behind the director watching the dailies, and all of a sudden I heard it: (spoken in the most high-brow British accent) "Fuck! Fuck me!! Fucking blighmy! Goddamn fuck!" The children all stopped walking. The ferris wheel came to a halt. A squirrel stopped eating a nut to look up. A baby cried. I, however, stood under the tent DYING laughing. Yes!! Some color! Some action! Hooray!!<br /><br /><img src="http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/6000/hughsingingcloseup7gn.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">There he is.</span><br /><br />A few minutes later, he nailed the scene, and returned to his chair which I happened to be standing next to. (Don't read into it, there was nowhere else to go!) Hugh, the ultimate gent, turns to an older woman sitting nearby and says "I do apologize for the outburst." I couldn't help myself. "Are you kidding me?" I piped in, "That was the best thing I've seen all day! I was losing my mind, and finally -- fireworks on the set!"<br /><br />I bit my lip... Did I break a rule? Would I get thrown out of the park like DJ Jazzy Jeff in the opening of Fresh Prince? I waited.<br /><br />And, to my relief, Hugh gave a small chuckle... and then... he... LOOKED AT ME! And people, listen. His eyes were the deepest of turquoise, azul like the clearest waters of the Pacific. His built-in indigo laser beams bore holes directly through my skull. I died inside.<br /><br /><img src="http://img352.imageshack.us/img352/668/hughgrantchair16aa.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Another "on the sly" pic of the back of Hugh's chair. I came <span style="font-style: italic;">thisclose</span> to scouring it for hair follicles to auction off on Ebay.</span><br /><br />But that was it. He didn't say anything back, and I'm pretty sure my internal "freak out" mechanism kicked in, because I made some crack about killing myself on the Long Island Rail Road, and the convo kind of ended right there.<br /><br />When I told my friend working on the film, she got a little dismayed but laughed. I'm basically an asshole, but this is common knowledge. Mike and I took the train back into the city, exhausted, a little burnt, but aware that we just had one of the best days of our lives.<br /><br />Later on that evening, I got a text from my buddy. Apparently she went up to Hugh following my departure, and said "I'm sorry my friend accosted you." (Accosted is a major thorn with me, as I was <span style="font-style: italic;">standing right there</span>, but nevertheless.)<br /><br />To which he responded: "Oh no, I liked her."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >"Oh no, I liked her."</span><br /><br />I haven't eaten in three days.<br /><br />The end.<br /><br /><img src="http://img74.imageshack.us/img74/6048/frenchfryguy16ej.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">That also might be thanks to this french-fry smoking cone of french fries, who reduced me to a chain smoking meth head on set.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">(Big thanks to my friend who made this most amazing day possible!)</span></span>Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1169507582003468202007-01-22T10:46:00.000-12:002007-01-24T08:45:24.533-12:00One of These Things is Not Like the OtherThere's really no right way to introduce this, so I'll just dive right in. Here is a scan of the backpage of this week's issue of <a href="http://intouchweekly.hollywood.com/">In Touch Weekly</a>, with a possibly pregnant Britney Spears on the cover. The page is called "Last Laughs"...<br /><br /><img src="http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/1193/michelleintouch129074oa.jpg" /><br /><br />Notice anything? No? What about now?<br /><br /><img src="http://img184.imageshack.us/img184/4981/michelleintouch129071uc.png" /><br /><br />Or now?<br /><br /><img src="http://img256.imageshack.us/img256/9914/michelleintouch1290726mu.png" /><br /><br />Is it the funniest quote? Of course not. Is it Re Re Ricardo? A little. But am I quoted alongside Conan, Leno, Letterman and Kimmel when I really have no business being there? Most def. Which gives me a strange tingling sensaysh in my scalp. As does the fact that Leno's quotes are seriously the best ones in the group. <a href="http://img264.imageshack.us/img264/2709/michelleintouch129072xf.jpg">Click here for a version that would make a lovely computer wallpaper.</a> Or buy your own! <br /><br />I called my mother up last week to tell her about the quote. She was at work, and upon hearing the news, covered up the receiver and yelled to every single person buying sale-marked cashmere "My daughter is in InStyle Magazine!!" Bless.<br /><br />How's 2007 going for everyone?Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1167290297349824742006-12-27T18:43:00.000-12:002006-12-27T19:19:11.903-12:00One of My Typical Emotional Journeys via IMIt's been many a-moon since we've checked in with my old friend Mike. The good news? We're just as re-re as ever.<br /><br /><b>Michelle</b>: MIKE! HI!!<br /><b>Mike</b>: Hello my sweet<br /><b>Michelle</b>: Are you in NY?<br /><b>Mike</b>: Tomorrow night. Then i'm all yours<br /><b>Michelle</b>: i cant wait to cradle you! I'll be playing this on my mouthharp upon your arrival:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FK_RvZRG-Jk"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FK_RvZRG-Jk" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br /><b>Mike</b>: why are all classical music stars busted? Kiri Ti Kanewa, Yevgeny Kissin<br /><b>Michelle</b>: Uh, Perlman has polio.<br /><b>Mike</b>: Stop. You're lying.<br /><b>Michelle</b>: You're kidding.<br /><b>Mike</b>: No!<br /><b>Michelle</b>: Michael. You didn't know Itzhak Perlman <a href="http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=itzhak+perlman+polio&btnG=Search">walked around on polio crutches</a>?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/1600/391285/PERLMAN.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/400/568948/PERLMAN.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><b>Mike</b>: Those braces do nothing for his legs.<br /><br />You have blocked Michael. You can no longer see each other online or chat together. <br /><br />(One minute later.)<br /><br />You have unblocked Michael.<br /><br /><b>Mike</b>: ;(<br /><b>Michelle</b>: So... hey, I got contacts. I took a pic wanna see?<br /><b>Mike</b>: Yes<br /><b>Michelle</b>: <br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br />.<br /><br /><img src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/400/953069/MYNEWCONTACTS.jpg" /><br /><br /><b>Mike</b>: omg! You got braces!<br /><b>Michelle</b>: hahahahahah<br />I'm literally crying laughing<br /><br /><b>Mike</b>: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cri_du_chat">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cri_du_chat</a><br /><b>Michelle</b>: Wait. Is it funny that its called the cry of the cat? Or that they develop to be severely mentally retarded?<br /><b>Mike</b>: BABIES MEOW LIKE KITTENS. If that's not so cute, I don't know what is.<br /><b>Michelle</b>: <br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/1600/244702/BABYCAT.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/400/219706/BABYCAT.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />My bad I meant to send this:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/1600/292077/BABYCAT2.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/400/938221/BABYCAT2.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><b>Mike</b>: My heart just exploded.<br /><b>Michelle</b>: No no seriously my bad:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/1600/923745/BABYCAT3.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/400/836736/BABYCAT3.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><b>Mike</b>: LOLLOLOLLOLOL<br /><b>Michelle</b>: HAHAHAHAHAHA<br /><b>Mike</b>: I need more<br /><b>Michelle</b>: OK, Mike, this might be the best one:<br /><br /><img src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/400/872296/1CATS.jpg" /><br /><br />HIS NAME IS FRIPPLE<br /><br /><img src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/4109/446/400/26059/2CAT.jpg" /><br /><br />The foot! Haha! <br /><br />(A minute later.)<br /><br /><b>Michelle</b>: oh my god.<br />Oh no. It’s from a website about handicapped animals….<br />Oh No. Read <a href="http://www.handicappedpets.com/gallery/fripple11/index.htm">this</a>:<br /><blockquote>I have a handicapped cat named Fripple. As a kitten in a barn he was shaken by a dog and sustained back injuries. My daughter took him from the barn and brought him home. He walks flat footed in the back and has no bladder and bowel control. He wears a diaper and is a happy little guy.<br /><br />Fripple also had a huge sore on his heel that took a year to heal because of the way he walked on it. I tried many many many contraptions and bandages and finally I took a baby shoe and put a gel cushion inside and of course his foot was bandaged and he wears the shoe and will continue to wear the shoe his whole life because if he doesn't he tears his foot open again.<br /><br />He's happy and very very VERY loved by the whole family. I have never seen a cat like this one he lies in my lap at diaper changing time and purrs and never moves while his foot is tended just gives me those goo goo eyes while purring. He also never tries to take anything off. He's my special gift. I thank God for this little guy every day. </blockquote><br /><br /><b>Michelle</b>: Sorry… I have to go cry for a million years.<br /><br />To read a lifetimes worth of sob stories, friends, check out <a href="http://www.handicappedpets.com/">Handicapped Pets</a>. Didn't think it would end on such a downer did it? Such an adorable, diaper clad downer.Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1167212349324695332006-12-26T21:37:00.000-12:002006-12-26T21:53:19.000-12:00These Are the Things......that I find at 4:37 in the morning when I can't sleep. Suffice it to say, my dreams tonight will star non other than Lou Hilario (no relation to Hilario Dawson... or is there?) Yes, it's 9 minutes long, but trust me, the end has gems, the end... sparkles. (You can stop watching around 7:40)<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/pqrHao6-N78"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/pqrHao6-N78" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br />How did I find it, you ask? Youtube search of "ventriloquism" obviously.<br /><br />Oh I also just saw the loose skin of a man who lost 800 pounds on Inside Edition and wait, do I have <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prader-Willi_syndrome">Prader-Willi disease</a>? Sighhhhh. Why am I spooning a 6 foot long sub right now?<br /><br />Hey, also also? If you're in New York December 30, I'll be performing at a special New Year's Eve Eve Show at Mo Pitkins. It's the Shark Show, it's at 8, it's free, and it's really fun. <br /><br />Now it's 4:42. OK beddy-bye for rizzzzz. <br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/yZZrm8sCQ3o"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/yZZrm8sCQ3o" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /><br />Do you guys have any idea how hilarious that is at 4:48 am? Answer: Very.Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1165347360499977932006-12-05T07:21:00.000-12:002006-12-05T07:37:27.220-12:00The Other Talent Show, And Some Inties!<img src="http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/6777/cattoofcc3.jpg" /><br /><br />The above picture is my <span style="font-weight: bold;">current laptop wallpaper</span>, psyche-FYI. <br /><br />A FEW UPDATES!<br /><br />1. Jon Friedman and I are bringing <span style="font-weight: bold;">the Other Talent Show</span> back this Monday, December 11 at Mo Pitkins! The info:<br />Other Talent Show<br />Monday, Dec 11, 2006 8:30 PM EST (8:00 PM Doors)<br />at Mo Pitkin's 34 Avenue A btwn 2nd and 3rd St.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Jon Friedman & Michelle Collins - THE OTHER TALENT SHOW</span> - The Other Talent Show is a gathering of comedians, writers, and other artistic types performing their hidden or "other" talents. Comedians singing, musicians doing comedy, writers juggling, and many more crazy hidden gem talents!<br /><br />The lineup is amaaazing.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:180%;" ><a href="http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=82287">TICKETS!</a></span><br /><br />2. I was interviewed by the hilarious and chivalrous <span style="font-weight: bold;">Baron Vaughn</span> for hot comedy website <a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.theapiary.org">The Apiary</a>. If you ever wondered what my childhood was like, or want to see some really old flattering pics of me, <a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.theapiary.org/archives/2006/12/una_conversacio_2.html#more">you will want to CLICK HERE.</a><br /><br />3. Also, I had the unbelievable opportunity to interview <span style="font-weight: bold;">Parker Posey</span> for one of my favorite magazines, <a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.bust.com/">Bust</a>. The interview isn't online, but you can pick it up in your local bookstore. You will not be sorry!<br /><br /><img src="http://www.bust.com/images/parker.jpg" />Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1164907945949387222006-11-30T05:30:00.000-12:002006-11-30T07:19:39.710-12:00Dog On Motorcycle That BlinksThis is by far the best e-mail attachment to ever arrive in my inbox.<br /><br /><img src="http://img469.imageshack.us/img469/1686/caesarblink23eyesyi5.gif" /><br /><br />Sometimes, I really miss the good ol' days here. (With MUCH thanks to Helen in Virginia!)Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1163488966707105742006-11-13T19:18:00.000-12:002006-11-14T05:38:28.900-12:00Define YourselfLast night I was directed to a new website called <a href="http://www.hetemeel.com/">Hetemeel</a>, which offered a feature allowing one to define something anyway they wished, and include a picture. (The site appears to be down right now...) It's fun for about 2 minutes, when it officially gets old. Which is right about the time I discovered the best feature of the program: The website made it possible to view other people's definitions. Not realizing the platter of hilarity just served to me, I clicked on a random one. This was what I found:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/1600/Chelsea.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/400/Chelsea.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Well, it seems that Chelsea holds herself in quite the high regard, doesn't it? Also, for those curious about <a href="http://www.envyed.com/">Envyed.com</a>, it appears to be a site that doles out awards to cars that have come back from the future.<br /><br />I was intrigued. Here it was, a way for humans to define themselves in a single blurb! I clicked on yet another entry:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/1600/Joy.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/400/Joy.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Awesome! A wiccan sex writer who hearts vampired and Marvin Gaye! This is the most fun I've ever had... even more fun than when I learned how to tie nautical knots.<br /><br />Many clicks later, and I noticed some trends. The most popular one being defining some sort of dirty or demeaning word (i.e. Dickface), and then plugging in someone's name and pic as part of that definition. It started out funny enough:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/1600/retarded.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/400/retarded.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />But then grew tiring:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/1600/ding%3Be.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/400/ding%3Be.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />Then there were those people who clearly didn't realize their definition would be available to the public. Take these characters, Henny Youngman:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/1600/rossvincent.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/400/rossvincent.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />The above blurb also defines the meaning of "I feel disturbed and uncomfortable." What about this cooz:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/1600/sarah.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/400/sarah.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Nice glamour shot, Sar. I particularly enjoy the dichotomy of this girl: She'll leave you in a second, but when you're with her, be sensitive and caring. She's not Fisher Price, so don't kick her down the stairs, gentlemen. This girl looks like someone I could be friends with:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/1600/jasmine.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/400/jasmine.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />My friends used to call me Jazzy too! Well, before the accident (Momma says my legs will work again soon enough.) I also caught wind of Burger King's new spokesman:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/1600/hershey.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/400/hershey.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Finally, I'm taking this dude on just because it amazes me that someone who is so clearly clinically insane also knows how to use semi-complicated programs on the internet:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/1600/Kevin.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/400/Kevin.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Though, to his credit, the Alligator Fuckhouse isMichelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1163014653325184592006-11-08T07:12:00.000-12:002006-11-08T07:45:39.650-12:00Conversations with Mom: Election Edition<img src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4109/446/1600/COLLINS.jpg" /><br /><br />For all 4 of you still with me: <span style="font-weight: bold;">Hello</span>. These past few months have been completely insane, and I apologize to those of you who felt abandoned. But I'm happy to say that I now believe I can balance both blogging at <a href="http://www.bestweekever.tv">Best Week Ever</a> and here -- so please, take me back!<br /><br />To inaugurate the <span style="font-weight: bold;">rebirth of the blog</span>, I'd like to share with you one of the hundreds of humorous conversations I've had with my mother. This one took place last night, <span style="font-weight:bold;">Election Night</span> (yay Democrats!).<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me</span>: I'm so glad Santorum lost.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mother</span>: Why?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me</span>: Well... because it means something kind of gross.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mother</span>: What?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me</span>: (Regretting opening my mouth) This sex columnist Dan Savage hated Santorum so much that he started calling something really disgusting "Santorum", and now every time I hear his name I think of it.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mother</span>: What? What does it mean?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me</span>: I can't tell you.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mother</span>: Come on! What does it mean??? Umm... Scrotum? Does it mean Scrotum?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me</span>: Mom! No!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mother</span>: You can't dangle this in front of me like that! (Direct quote.)<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me</span>: It's something that happens when men have gay sex.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mother</span>: Oh! Dirty Sanchez?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me</span>: Uch... <span style="font-style: italic;">no</span>. (She keeps harping.) It's something that comes out of a man's ass after gay sex.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mother</span>: Umumum... Doody?? Does it mean doody?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me</span>: Doody and... <span style="font-style: italic;">something else</span>. Gay sex.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mother</span>: (pause.) How could you tell me that?<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Me</span>: But I warned you!<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mother</span>: No, you're right. I pushed for it.<br /><br />For an entire website donated to this definition (mind you, the first hit on Google when searching for his name), visit <a href="http://www.spreadingsantorum.com/index2.html">Spreading Santorum</a>. And courtesy of My First Fan(c) Atara, <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A61804-2005Apr17.html">Santorum brought home a 20 week old stillborn for his children to hold</a>. I didn't believe it either, but here's the article. Sad story equally balanced with a little creepiness.<br /><br />Also, I'd like to add my favorite quote from the election coverage on CNN last night, courtesy of <span style="font-weight: bold;">Jeff Greenfield</span>: "Tammy Duckworth, running in Illinois, lost both of her legs in Iraq. She's currently trailing her opponent."<br /><br />So... did you miss me?<br />XOXO4VR<br />MichelleMichelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1155318262957041252006-08-11T05:42:00.000-12:002006-08-11T05:44:23.006-12:00I Am FREAKING Out!You guysssss,<br /><br />The all-time best Looney Tunes cartoon EVER MADE is on YouTube. It's called Feed the Kitty, and while I've tried explaining to people how amazing and funny and wonderful it is, you really have to see it to know what I mean. When it was originally shown some 50 years ago, audiences ran out of the movie theaters crying. God bless the person who posted this thing!<br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5tTnelNi4uM"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5tTnelNi4uM" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1155071812595367682006-08-08T09:12:00.000-12:002006-08-08T09:26:26.636-12:00Where Have I Gone??? & Other Talents Business<img src="http://img309.imageshack.us/img309/7672/bestweekvx7.jpg" /><br /><br />A big thank you to all the people wondering where I've gone for so long... fret not. I'm am actually <span style="font-weight: bold;">BLOGGING EVERY DAY NOW</span>. Yes, it's true.<br /><a href="http://www.bestweekever.tv"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">BestWeekEver.tv</span></a><br /><br />I'll say it again, so there's no confusion.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.bestweekever.tv"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:180%;" >BestWeekEver.tv</span></a><br /><br />I'll still post here every now and again, but a bitch can't burn out so young. Hence, stay patient my loves!<br /><br />Also -- I'm hosting a show on August 17 at Mo Pitkins...<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><a href="http://www.mopitkins.com/calendar/ShowPages/OtherTalent2.html"><span style="font-weight: bold;">THE OTHER TALENT SHOW!</span></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mo Pitkins</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">32 Avenue A btwn 2nd and 3rd St.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">$6!</span></span><br /><br />Here's the lineup, it's crazy, you MUST come.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Nick Kroll</span>: Comedian, talent will be OFF THE CHARTS.<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Laura Dawn</span>: Cultural Director, Moveon.org, talent will be singing<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Andres de Bouchet</span>: Comedian, will be singing<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Gabe Liedman</span>: Comedian, will be giving a haircut<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Mandy Stadtmiller</span>: NY Post Columnist, will be doing stand-up comedy<br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Julie Klausner</span>: Comedian, will be singing and might dance a little<br /><br /><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.ticketweb.com/user/?region=xxx&query=search&interface=ticketweb&newhps=1&search=mo%2Bpitkins&x=0&y=0">BUY TICKETS HERE.</a>Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1154055254212658992006-07-27T14:48:00.000-12:002006-07-27T14:57:32.360-12:00Not Sure What It Is......about this video that brings me so much joy. Maybe it's the whole grown man crying thing.<br /><br /><embed allowScriptAccess="never" width="448" height="365" src="http://www.ifilm.com/efp" quality="high" bgcolor="000000" name="efp" align="middle" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" pluginspage="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer" flashvars="flvBaseClip=2756036" /><br /><br />Dedicated to my friend <span style="font-weight:bold;"><a href="http://yougottapayforthisshit.blogspot.com">Becky Yamamoto</a></span>, who, as far as I know, has never had any inappropriate relations with any 17-year olds. 13-year-olds, sure, but 17? That is just sick.<br /><br />Also, I'm watching the saddest show about a little baby named Archie who weighs 84 pounds, and has something named "Momo Syndrome." I'm weeping, but then they say Momo Syndrome, and I crack up. Climb aboard the Discovery Health Rollercoaster Folks.Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7334710.post-1153721171851768962006-07-23T16:49:00.000-12:002006-07-24T11:06:13.740-12:00A Mother By Any Other NameYes, it's true. Mother is in town. Dog sitting for a Jack Russel mix named Ziggy on the Upper East Side for the month of July.<br /><br /><img src="http://img416.imageshack.us/img416/2904/ziggygf7.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ziggy, clearly coked out of her brains.</span><br /><br />And while she may always repeat the mantra "Do what you want, I'm not bothering you," she will usually follow that up with "So what are you doing tonight? Tomorrow? Maybe I could swing by the office, meet you for lunch? Howsabout tomorrow at 6 am, we have a quick bagel and catch a matinee before work? There is a great Gerard Depardu movie at Lincoln Center..." By this point it's usually too late, as I've hung myself from the rafters in my bedroom, Shawshank Redempy stizz.<br /><br />Not actually true -- I've managed to squeeze in a number of Mommy-Daughter dates so far. Just this Saturday, we went to see Superman Returns on the Imax, where my Mom chose to wait for the quietist, most serious moments to stifle funeral-worthy laughs, and apply lipstick no less than 3 times during some key plot moments. The Daughter then must become the Mother, chiding her for such behavior, then feeling guilty, offering her a piece of gum, and secretly wishing she had never given birth to this 58-year-old menace.<br /><br />Today, Mother came to the apartment to help me organize a Pizza-the-Hut-style clothing pile on my floor. Beforehand, we took a short detour to <a href="http://www.stjohndivine.org/"><span style="font-weight: bold;">St. John the Divine</span></a>, the largest Gothic Cathedral in the world, and around the corner from my apartment, the smallest Gothic Cathedral in my building. St. John's is stunning -- but what really makes it in my opinion is a little garden behind the church, next to where the priest resides. Away from the street, full of wildflowers and manicured topiaries, it's a fantastic mini-break from the city.<br /><br /><img style="width: 440px; height: 347px;" src="http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/2219/stjohnck8.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Making me believe in Jesus a little more evr'y day. (Note to new readers: I'm a Jew. But an easily converted one.)</span><br /><br />But what made the trip extra special? <span style="font-weight: bold;">Two things</span>.<br /><br />1. We saw two peacocks while perusing the premises. One was a beautiful blue male; the other, a startling albino peacock! We were having a time looking at them, until some little bastard children ran up to the albino and scared it away. Following my mother disciplining the little rats as though they were her own, we followed the bird down a little pathway, cooing and complimenting it as though it were our own.<br /><br /><img src="http://img77.imageshack.us/img77/7264/peacockoh8.jpg" /><br /><br /><img src="http://img479.imageshack.us/img479/8940/peacock6ts8.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">It looks delicious.</span><br /><br />2. At one point, my mother points to a pretty patch of yellow flowers and says "Uch! Those are my favorite flowers! I think they're called "<span style="font-weight: bold;">Lazy-Eyed Susans</span>".<br /><br /><img src="http://img93.imageshack.us/img93/8093/lazyeyedsusanht6.jpg" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Don't be fooled. The flower wasn't the more commonly known "Black-Eye Susan." It was, in fact, a lazy-eyed flower.</span><br /><br />Clearly, my brain is fried from the weekend antics. However, if interested in seeing the inimitable dynamic between Mother and I, head down to the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Rejection Show</span> at <span style="font-weight: bold;">Mo Pitkins</span> (34 Avenue A) tomorrow at 7:30 pm, where I'll be confronting her, live on stage, about various rejections she put me through in my childhood. You can't miss us -- we'll be the Lazy-Eyed Susans fighting loudly by the bar.Michelle Collinshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17494354528975559799noreply@blogger.com