Friday, October 01, 2004

Out on a Limbaugh

Rush update: We issued a press release yesterday entitled "RUSH LIMBAUGH FLIP-FLOPS ON VOTERGASM.ORG". It's fairly amusing, and thankfully, I think ol' Rushie is finally getting us. Check out his response here: VOTERGASM SAGA CONTINUES... I'm in the process of recutting his diatribe to play on my outgoing message (Limbaugh: "Michelle Collins is a depraved lunatic." Me in baby voice: "Leave your message at the beeeeep!")

Now I'd like to take this time to respond to some fan mail. I have to say, Rush has certainly brightened up my usual slow e-mail work hours. In the past, a new e-mail usually signified Travelzoo sending me their Top 20 vacation deals (the knife further twisted within gut due to no vacay days and/or money).

But now, my inbox is updated EVERY SECOND with mail from various fans wanting to know more about the classy broad who's running the Votergasm show. So I offer you Michelle's Daily Mail Bag! A new segment, where I post a sampling of e-mails from the day, and answer anything and everything! These letters are all authentic, and chosen at random out of a virtual burlap sack. On to our first letter:

Ken. F. in Wyoming says:

I live in Wyoming and you are offering sex to vote well i would love to vote but I think you are all fucked........ uppppppppppppppppppped Lets get realllllll your site is just a bunch of crap just to get a riselllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll out of the presss and it aint for realllllllllllllll so fuckk offfffffffff and die assholesssssssssssssssssssssss

Dear Ken:

Are you ok? It occurred to me that you may have had a stroke whilst composing your well executed message to me. It's clear you live alone, and that if you were to have a stroke, people wouldn't find out about it for days. Or perhaps, while writing it, you pictured yourself shouting from one of the numerous canyons in and around the Wyoming area. Either way, I hope this Friday finds you well.

James in Oregon writes:

Hi Michelle,

My wife is French and can't vote yet. I plan on voting though -- since
I live in Oregon and we vote by mail I'll probably vote in late October.
So although I'd like to take the Votergasm pledge, I'm a bit confused as
to what it would require of me.

Can I give my wife an orgasm Nov. 2/Nov. 3 since she wants to vote? If not, must I cheat on my wife? And if I vote on say, Oct 28th, must I be limited to extra-marital sex through Nov 3rd?

Dear James:

James, James, James. Stop right there. I sensed a problem from the very FIRST sentence of your message. You see, James, your wife is French. And I hate to break it to you, friend of friends, but odds are, your wife is probably fucking someone else behind your back. Because, let's face it, the French are whores. Instead of writing tongue-in-cheek e-mails to complete strangers, you should probably be out mending your marriage -slash- exacting revenge. Good luck.

Hershle D. writes:

I'm a 57 year old man. Will there be a lady interested in a man of my age?

Dear Hershle:

Ladies, anyone out there for Hershle? E-mail/IM him at

Juliette Grace writes:

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

I have 22 nieces and nephews all of whom I love dearly and encourage to be responsible about sex.


Dear Juliette:

22 nieces and nephews! That's about 44 garbage bag shoes, one per each foot, no? Tell Billy Jo I, II, III.... XXII hi from me.

Lou Villaflor writes:

You are disgusting. You flaunt sex like it is a trivial matter. Didn't your parents teach you right from wrong or are you just plain stupid?

Dear Lou:

It's a very delicate combination of both, Lou, with a pinch of the famous "Retarded Uncle Bobby Drops Baby in Blender" incident. RIP Uncle Bobby -- no hard feelings.

Lorna Blakely ( writes:


You should be ashamed of yourself. Where are your morals at anyway.

Rush had and has every right to come against your site. I hope that your site gets shut down, and then I pray that one day you will meet Jesus. My prayers are with you. You need them for sure.

Dear Lorna:

I, too, hope I one day meet Jesus. I bet he's an awesome guy, and rumor has it he loves The Amazing Race and Better Cheddars (as do I). You are so sweet to have me in your prayers -- please never forget to mention my name when you're speaking to the big G(dash)D. Your e-mail address leads me to believe you are into some kind of weird lioness beastiality 69-ing. More power to you, sistah! That is exactly what is about. The freedom to love.

This concludes today's edition of Michelle's Daily Mail Bag.

A few tidbits for your pallette:

- Cops have arrested a man in Dallas pretending to be a Gynecologist, and seeing patients at a storage facility. I'll take this as a warning to renounce my position as Dr. Michelle Collins, Balls Inspector MD.

- An article so good, I shall directly quote:
It's a tale of man against nature. A paralyzed man in Aspen, Colorado lay helplessly in bed for two hours while a black bear known as "Fat Albert" went through his kitchen breaking dishes and looking for a tasty snack.

"I had four pounds of chocolate from a ski trip. He ate it all -- it's war," Tom Isaac said. "The next afternoon the wildlife agents found him sleeping in my dining room," Isaac said.

It reminds me of the time Kirstie Alley was PMSing out of control... so she punched a dead woman in the face, and stole a Hershey bar out of her grave. What can she say -- she loves chocolate!

- A confused old woman drove a rental van through an airport, and managed to get on her flight with no citation. Great, and I take a dump once, ONCE, on the luggage conveyor belt and I'm fined $5,000. Maybe if I were "old" and/or "confused" I coulda gotten away with it.

That's all I have left in me people. Go in peace.

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