Friday, May 13, 2005

Cameron Diaz: Get Serious(ly), You Guys!

Special correspondent and official "bestie" Annie Tucker reports live from LA, following the 2005 Reebok Human Rights Awards. Read on to learn that not only is Cameron Diaz a great person and skilled improvisor, but high school kids'll do the shit out of her to boot:

So two days ago I attended the Reebok Human Rights Awards, which ostensibly is to celebrate and award notable pioneers working across the globe for a better world. It was for a school assignment, and I had also heard that Robert Redford or some similar celebrity was going to be there, so I figured why not.

"Peter Gabriel, who looked like he was on a major dose of horse tranquilizers." -- Annie

From the second I walked into the theater, though, I could tell something was wrong--the seats were packed with high school students making out, punching each other, shrieking, and taking pictures with their cell phones. They barely quieted down when Don Cheadle walked out onto the stage. Dressed casually in sneakers, baggy black pants and a polo shirt, he gave a solemn speech about how acting in Hotel Rwanda opened his eyes to the serious problem of Human Rights Violations, occasionally pausing to give the audience an annoyed glare or two.

"He could wear a burlap sack with a button-flap at the ass, I just can't help but love The Cheed." -- Michelle

After a video showing some atrocities, two awards were presented to a man from Liberia and a woman from Chechnya. The audience seemed confused, or just overexcited cheering everytime there was a break in the speech, i.e. human rights activist: living in my country we are facing military violence, starvation, and the systematic rape of women (brief pause to catch breath or wipe tear--crowd breaks out into Arsenio hoots.)

Reebok would have also been proud of these teenagers brand loyalty. The skinny man from Liberia who has been working tirelessly for his people for decades said, “I would like to thank Reebok for their help” -- and some bratty girl behind me called out “Damn straight you thanking them!” Hmmm.

"[Diaz] is always keepin' it real. Real dumb." -- Chris Rock

The true highlight of the evening came when Cameron Diaz pranced out on stage. Waving and blowing kisses she tottered in her stilettos and skintight jeans over to the podium. Struggling to read the speech prepared for her, she gratefully welcomed interruptions of high school kids screaming, "You're so hot Cameron!! I want you Cameron!" "Come on you guys," she said tossing her shiny blond hair over her shoulder, “Please. I mean, it's totally awesome that you're here." Wink.

"Always the smart-ass, never the smart." -- Michelle

She then read her bit about Carlos Rojas, a videographer documenting violent atrocities against his indigenous ethnic group in Oaxaca. "Brutalized, attacked, imprisoned and tortured by the Mexican military, the Mixe found themselves without a voice," Cameron read. Then, looking up at the audience, puppy dog eyes wide, she ad libbed, "I think we all know what that feels like, right guys?" From the back of the auditorium came the response, "I want to do you, Cameron!" She smiled and waved. "You guys are so awesome!"

"Smile with the eyes, Cam! No, no, the eyes and the mouth. Ok, a little more mouth... less on the eeeeeyes... and perfect!" -- MC

You know celebrities! They're not smart at all. Sigh. Thanks for that excellent report Annie!

ps: I'm waving goodbye now, but will be hugging hello later at This N' More, comedy hosted by me, Juvie Hall (24 Bond Street @ 8 pm)... Don't make me repeat myself.

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