Urine My Heart, Urine My Soul

Note the "Scientific Black Light", which differs in nearly every way from what I used to call it "The Stoners Glowy Wand Thingy."

Hot on the heels of what I considered the funniest infomercial of all time, The Deion Sanders Hot Dog Express, (where Deion slips a "Warn n' Ready Smoky" in when you're not looking, and the next thing you know you're pregnant with half-human, half-processed-horse-meat babies), another infomercial that's been making the rounds has entered the realm of my subconscience in a most unwelcome manner.

That infomercial would be for a product called "Urine Gone", a spray that promises to remove excess, pesky urine from the confines of your home or in your car. It promises to "get rid of urine stains and odors caused by cats and dogs." No word yet on whether the product works on household urine stains caused by my drunk, philandering Uncle Tommy.

So why all the fuss? Seems like a good product, right? Well, my main issue with the commercial is a single line that never stops from grossing me out: The voiceover guy (a genius, no doubt) describes the "science" behind Urine Gone. The formula, you see, is made up of (pause for chills) "ENZYMES HUNGRY FOR UUUUUURINE." Uch. Literally every time I drink some water, eat a meal, or go to the bathroom (i.e. every waking minute of the day), that phrase cannot help but cross my mind. "ENZYMES HUNGRY FOR UUUUUURINE."

On a lighter note, the product also comes with a handy portable black light to detect urine around the house. It also comes in handy when you want to stage a Dateline-esque Semen Study of your local Motel 6. Here's a hint to the concloozh: THE ROOM WILL BE A-GLOW.

After doing a little more anti-urine research, I found out that Urine Gone is not alone in the pee-stain-removal industry: "Urine-Off" is riding hot on the piss-soaked heels of our above competitor. I think "Urine-Off" might have the advantage too: Check out how adorable their customers are!!!!


Classy background color, guys. Real classy.

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Two other commercials I feel necessary to hate on:


Here, me, demonstrating the proper way to injest sweet, sweet apple juice.***

The Mott's Apple Juice Commercial (no relation to the above product), where a little girl is sitting next to a huge bottle of it, and exclaims "I just wanna chug the whole thing!" 1. Chug is not a word children under the age of 16 should ever use. 2. This commercial doesn't help my theory that apple juice is addictive to children and adults alike. You offer me one sweet sip, and 3 hours later I'm tightening a rubber cord around my arm with my teeth and injecting the sweet horse directly into my bloodstream.

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Joiiiiiin Ussssssssss.

The Botox Ad. When I first saw it, I noticed something. Before I knew what product they were schilling, the women in the ad looked insane. Like robots from a Spielberg movie. It's weird to see a woman with grey hair try to smile while not splitting the seams hidden under her hairline. How I wish the voiceover would tout this "New and Improved Botchulism!!" Alas, a dream.


Finally, a testimonial of this new product, the can on the lower left: "I don't think it works on humans -- make that "for cats" tag line a little bigger fellas!" -- My Burning Urethra. JKJKJK... eeeeeeee (collar pull).

***That is not, in fact, a pic of me snorting coke. Rather, I am pretending to snort up the delicious leftover powdered sugar from a binet in New Orleans. Just in case any prospective employers are reading the site. :)