Monday, November 14, 2005

The Harry Potter Legal Age Countdown Clock

I'm going to be the first one brave enough to step forward and admit it: Daniel Radcliffe, i.e. Harry Potter, is growing up to be a stone cold hottie. Sure, his eyebrows bring to mind an elderly Charles Nelson Reilly; and yes, some of his red carpet outfit choices make me wonder if he'll one day lend his name to a Las Vegas Lion Taming Show, where he'll perform various feline trickery, his most famous trick being a clenched fist forced into a lion's mouth, through the throat, into the belly, until, to the audience's horror and delight, the porcelain fist of Potter comes peeking through the poor lion's asshole holding a dead animal. See, namely, this picture:

Dan, we need to talk.

Circus imagery aside, Daniel has really taken the world for an awkward ride on the puberty express... and has turned into a toussle-haired, angsty hot Brit, i.e., my ideal man. Right now, he's at the tender age of 16... meaning there are less than two years left until I can legally seduce him!

Mr. Radcliffe, i.e. Harry Potter, turns 18 on July 23, 2007... i.e. the legal age for which to "whomp his willow", play "tonsil quidditch", tickle his "gobstones", meet and greet the "nimbus", learn more about the "Wolfsbane" position, have him explore your "crookshanks", "cleansweep" your "bubotuber", and use "nonsensical words" to describe "sexual acts."

Why all the fuss? Let's relive the magical happy trail of puberty together, shall we?

Ahh yes, here is little Harry thinking about things little British boys think about: Cadbury Choclits, trading "croquet cards", and multi-million pound paychecks.

Nothing like rosaciea and a mischeivous grin to lure in the pre-pubes.

Trademarking the icy stare at a young age.

I printed this out, thumbtacked it to my cubicle wall, and placed a lit tea candle in front. I find this to be the quickest and cheapest way to make a Daniel Radcliffe shrine in the office.

OMG, this could TOTALLY be an Abercrombie ad. Borderline NSFW! (Cause it's soo sexayyy.)

Already, we're seeing an edgier, less polite (therefore more badboy) side of D.R. Das right, Dan, don't thank that bitch for passing the clotted cream! I bet he doesn't even push his chair back in when he gets up from the table... sigh.


I bet he works out.

"Hello, Smoldering? I'd like to place a call please."

You know what you need, Daniel? To take a breather vertically. Theeeere you go.

OK, ladies (and some of you sick gents out there!) Here's the good news.

There are only:

until Daniel Radcliffe/Harry Potter turns 18!!

Click here for the Countdown To Harry Potter's Legal Age

Now, I have to be serious with myself. I'm sure I won't be the first. After all, there is that pesky Emma Watson hanging around all day on set, i.e. "Hymeny" Granger, and I'm sure those two have given it up to each other looong ago. Apparently, a lot of guys are all about Ms. Watson, which is totally beyond me.

Anyway, point being, I won't be able to take his Big V, but nevertheless, I can still be one of the few to turn his world upside down in the best possible way. Only 615 days left to get down to my goal weight, 107 pounds! I'll keep you updated as his 18th/my goal weight approaches!!

Update: A keen reader writes to point out that the legal age of consent in England is 16 -- however it should be known that I only feel comfortable doling out the "toaster strudel" on American soil.

Update II: I just want people to know, I haven't read any of the Potter books/seen any of the movies... I just know hot young manmeat when I see it. Save your hatemail for someone who cares... like Tyra Banks.

Update III: Fine. I've "seen" all of the "movies."

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