Friday, July 22, 2005

Roll of a Strifetime

You guys, my ship is sailing!! Check out this casting call for the new Pirates of the Carribean:

Pirates:Extreme characters and hideously unattractive types, ages 18-50. Odd body shapes or very lean to extremely skinny. Missing teeth, wandering eyes and serial killer looks with real long hair & beards. Wigs and makeup are not what we're looking for. We also need little people, very large sumo wrestler types, Michelle's, extremely tall or extremely short people, Michelle Collins, albinos, amputees, and you Michelle. Any size or shape that is NOT average is best. All ethnicities. Mostly men, very few women.

Excuse me for a minute while I call my "agent" and submit my "headshot"*:

Some say I look like Naomi Watts, but I think I'm prettier.

*Anything written above in "quotes" are completely imaginary. Note to you real agents out there - I'm open!

Also of note:

So I go to Dunkin Donuts to buy an oil tanker filled with coffee for $.99 today, and I decide to be crazy and throw in a "low fat" muffin. They're muffins are delicious, and when I got back to work I decided to peruse the DD website for some more info. Of course, this shit has 400 calories. Fine, I threw half of it away. (Cut to Guy Ritchie style lens work which has the camera going through my 7 layers of American Apparel "tissue tees" to inside my bra, where the other half of the muffin is kept for safe keeping. Would I throw away food? Come on, you know me too well for that.)

But what really got my attention was the "Allergy Data" that is listed for each food. Note:

Anything there seem.... strange and out of place. Sure, tree nuts. That's weird. Although I guess it makes more sense than peanuts no doubt. No, that's not it... hmm Phenylalanine?? No, no, that's just an organic compound, one of the 22 α-amino acids commonly found in animal proteins. Everybody knows that.

No, no... but something still seems odd...

Oh wait. There it is. CRUSTACEANS.


Oh Lawd!! LAWDY! Why would there be CRUSTACEANS. in my muthafuckin' DONUT/MUFFIN/COOLATTA? Or, for that matter, a SHRIMPOND.

WHAT THE HELL IS A SHRIMPOND? Do you know? Because GOOGLE doesn't know! In fact, the only sites that DO know what a shrimpond is (are? is "mpond" plural?) are Dunkin Donuts related!

Please, somebody, find me a donut with a crustacean in it. Because something tells me a Lobster Donut would actually be die-licious.

Is this a shrimpond? I must know.

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