Liquid Ice at Twice the Price

Like tiny, clear shields of the devil's making.

Yesterday afternoon, on a whim, I stumbled into a downtown Duane Reade looking for a refreshing break for my mouth. My walking fingers danced over the various register selections, and ended up pointing towards an old favorite: Orbit Wintermint, the addictive gum that is packaged like sweet, long mentholated cigarettes. But another package caught my eye: Icebreakers Liquid Ice.



Maybe you've seen the commercial? Hilary and Hayley Duff duke it out in a 30 second spot where the question boils to "Is it liquid? Or is it ice?" (or judging by the Duff ladies, "Is it shetland? Or is it palomino?")


No, no... pinto maybe?

In fact, never has anything peppermint related ever drawn so much celebrity attention... check out the Simpson sisters mugging for the camera!


Let's taker a closer look at Ashley in this one.


I find this endlessly funny. I wish I could make a joke about her future, cleaning toilets for a living, etc., but this girl has more money than I will ever dream of, marry into, or know.

Point being, no matter how partially-aborted the celebrity, I will gladly buy whatever product they're shilling. So when I saw "Liquid Ice", I couldn't help myself. Plus, it brought me back to my younger days when ANYTHING filled with sweet gel was a find... remember Gushers? Juicefuls? FRESHEN UP!!! (The gum with the SYRUP CENTER!) Holy shit, anything with a sweet, liquid center was IT!


I liked sweet things as a child.

I couldn't get my mitts on Liquid Ice fast enough... I wanted it. It even comes in a slick little package, filled with small green balls, almost like mini bath beads. Wow... these fuckers are $1.99? Sigh. This better be well worth it.

I ran out of the store and clawed my way through the wrapper, cracked open the lid, and popped 2 miniature green balls in my mouth (insert Kermit the Frog joke here, you immature bastards.) I eagerly bit into the tiny, gelatinous bead and ...

... oh my god. Ayghghgweduhs (ENTIRE BODY SHIVERING) Godddd! These shits are actually boof-inducing. As Bill Cosby would say "Phlibble-Pharb."

It's kinda like biting into a fiery fish egg! Gigantic caviar!! Or like popping a pimple on the face of Wrigley's corpse in. your. mouth.


Sushi with cinammon liquid mints added for good measure.

I will NEVER eat Liquid Ice again.

(10 minutes later)

God my mouth is dry. (Pops 3 more in.)

Euuuuuch!!!! Oh god it's like a whole SPEARMINT FISH FAMILY getting an ABORTION in my MOUTH!! AYAYAYY!!! I hate this.

(3 minutes later)

I am staaaarving. (Pops 14 more in.) (Body shivering, eyes rolling back in my head.) Why. Do I keep. DOING THIS. To myself!?

(14 minutes later, package fully empty, now with a horrible stomach ache, and burping minty bile.)

Please, dear readers, promise me you will not buy Icebreakers Liquid Ice. I just sneezed, and may have Liquid Ice skidmarks in my undies. Trusssss, stay awaaaaay!


The only Liquid Ice I'll trust: One that will help heal the razor scars.