Tuesday, March 14, 2006

When Annoying Things Go Too Far

Well, it's definitely LONGER... but I'm not so sure about the "cooler". Plus, you know... Longtemps.

I make it a point to abbreviate nearly every other word I say. Totally is totes (or totals). Definitely = Def. Syphillis = "The Syph". Best Friends Forever = Besties. Sometimes I like to attribute nicknames or personifactions to otherwise bland words. In college, our bagel joint "Nussbaum and Wu" became "Nussy the Wu-Wu." A building on our campus, "Schermerhorn", became "Skirmy The Horn." If you think it easy maintaining friendies with this afflick, you're mistakies. I'm a walkin, talkin, autistic and barely funtioning YM Magazine, and everybody hates me.

Just to clarify, I wasn't referring to "Young Miss" Magazine, rather Russia's most famous female bodybuilding weekly, "Yreia Myee!"

But one word that has slowly crept into my everyday vernack has even started to make ME edgy... and the funny thing is, it's not an abbreviation! In fact, it makes the word twice as long.

So instead of saying the word "Ten", I've started saying (again, jokingly) TENTEEN. For example, "Hey, these assless leather shorts are only tenteen dollars!!" In fact, my brain will be almost warning me that I'm about to say it, and the gears will begin to slow, my pupils dilate, and my tongue hits the back of my teeth and slowly forms "teehhhnnn" and I'll be screaming "NO! THAT'S WHERE THE WORD ENDS!" and that goddamn tongue will then quickly throw in the "teen"! And there you have the word. Tenteen.

So, just as I did with quitting smoking, I am going to try my best and NOT say the word Tenteen anymore. Unless it's a Saturday night and I'm trashed, and then I'll say it over and over again while bingeing on Camel Ultralights in a dark alley somewhere.

Two other short notes: 1. I ordered a MARTINI at Cosi, the chain sandwich shop, last night. What's next: Cocaine at Arby's? (silent pause.) I said... WHAT'S NEXT!? COCAINE AT ARBY'S!? (Surrounded by walls of silence, trapped.) (Quietly sobbing, drool curtains hanging off of lips, babbling.)

"Seriously, Michelle, you do not make any sense." -- The Arby's Mascot, a talking oven mitt with blue eyes.

2. Also, my boots smell like yesterday's trash.

Oh, I know the what I did... instead of putting my regular boots on, I accidentally put on fishsticks shaped like a boot... whaaaaat an aaaaaaasshole I am.

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