Tuesday, September 28, 2004

A Long Needed Explanation...

Hello friends.

As you can see, I've been on a bit of a hiatus (and, at times, low-atus). I know that my loyal readers out there were concerned, and your e-mails and surprising personal visits at home and at work were all very much appreciated.

I'll get to the weird news in a minute, but in another bout of self promotion, it should be noted that Rush Limbaugh mentioned that other website of mine on his show today, including MY NAME three times. Frankly, I'm still swooning. Because, you see, I LOVE RUSH LIMBAUGH. I do!! Through the thick and the slightly less thick. He's a GREAT GUY! Sure, he was addicted to prescription pain medication... so was I! And I still make harsh and irrational judgment calls without doing any background research! Not to mention that the two of us are not exactly the perfect picture of American values and morality. We have more than just our spare tires in common.

So yes, this man's man who I am in love with mentioned my very name. You can read a transcript of it on his website. And I think there's been a misunderstanding!! Rush apparently thinks that I ALONE am going to have sex with everyone who votes on November 2. Now, while it is highly possible that Rush has been a major player in one of my several highly-acclaimed gangbangs (available at your local Uterine Wal-Mart), let's be serious: As much as I want to, it would be impossible for me to have sex with the over 15,000 people who have pledged!!! Wishful thinking, Rush, but the math just doesn't add up.

Lastly, it is a shame that Rush assumes we are a partisan site. I'll have you all know that, in fact, I've gotten hundreds of e-mails from conservatives loving the site (seriously!) for its humor value as well as its providing an opportunity to attend a fun party on election night. It's a year when there's a lot lot lot of serious shit to discuss, no doubt. Don't we all need a breather?? Sometimes tongue-in-cheek humor misses those whose tongues and cheeks are too busy spewing hateful nonsense.

Really, it's been a pleasure folks. And honestly, I couldn't have begged for a better publicity shout-out. But it should be known in this time of need that I could really use an e-mail or two telling me that I'm not a dirty, disease-ridden, morally depraved whore. And trust me, the amount of celeb pics I could've linked to that last phrase were so numerous, I'll leave it to you to fill in the skank. (Side note: God Bless the Fleshbot people for being fucking awesome.)

FINAL THING: I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a street interview on the Tony Danza show tomorrow or Thursday at 10 am on ABC. They stopped me on Broadway to ask me who my childhood crushes were. I said Scott Baio and Neal Sedaka. If you think that's retarded, wait for the rest. I'm pretty sure I admitted that my room was plastered in 227 posters.


- First of all, and I've been waiting forever to post this, there's the Godfather Horse Head Pillow.

- Also, Doggles. They're Goggles for Dogs. Something tells me they'll only look cool on Japanese dogs. Also, check out their helpful chart comparing the benefits of doggles versus sunglasses for dogs.

- A "Pirate" was found naked on a roof. Apparently, this "pirate" had drifted ashore on sea, and the MAGAZINE he was using as a TELESCOPE ended up not coming in handy.

- In a final pleading with God to rid him of his misery, a 108 year old man has taken up smoking. Seriously, when I'm 108, I'm going to stitch myself a unitard made of ham, put it on, and eat it Mama Cass style until I drop.

- A study has show that living in the Suburbs can make you sick. Ha! I knew living in New York would pay off! Wai- Oh god, excuse me. I just shit a lung out of my ass.

- Speaking of smoking and asses, the Governator has banned smoking from prisons in California. You know, he should tell those guys that a GREAT way to get your mind off of smoking is latchhooking!!

She'll really come in handy during those long, smokeless nights.

- See, other intelligent, morally depraved people are really making a name for themselves!

- A bear breaks into a nursing home. Turns out he was just there to visit his Grandma.

- Finally, I'm in the market for a new duvet cover. So I go to Ebay, as I do, when I see this: A man selling a used DKNY duvet with, and I quote, "unnoticeable brown stain marks, two white stain marks, some very small needle holes, 1 small tear and a 3" tear easily closed." People, it sold for 66 dollars! Seriously, one night at a Motel 6 costs less than half of that, with nearly thrice as many stains to peruse... and by the hour? Don't get me started, you make your money back ten fold!

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