Thursday, September 16, 2004

Shofar, Sho Good

To all my Jewish readers out there: Happy New Year! To the rest of you: It's Thursday. And to the French: Happy "Bash a Jew on the Head" Day (a.k.a. "Every Day").

It's the new year, Year 5765 according to the Jewish Calendar. I was going to wear this awesome fuschia off-the-shoulder dress to synagogue last night, but then decided it was sooo 5764.

And now, some Jewish New Year's Resolutions:

1. I will quit smoking herring.

2. I will tone my touchas.

3. I will stop kvetching about bopkes, and avoid tsures at all costs.

4. I will spend more time with my mispoche.

5. I will throw out my beloved shmates and avoid looking like "such a shlepper" (thanks mom).

On to our top stories:

- The Slappiest Place on Earth: reports that Michael Chartrand (above), the man recently arrested for fondling a 13 year old while dressed as Tigger, has been arrested again, this time for allegedly shoving two people while dressed as Goofy.

According to Chartrand's top attorney (Harvard Law grad no less!):
Goofy is always playful," Kaufman told the Orlando Sentinel. "Of course he was goofing around because he was Goofy!

Did I say "Harvard Law"? What I meant to say was Barvard Law. In Indiana. Lesser known, and waaaaay worse.

So this is how he plans on defending himself?! By saying that the character is "Goofy"? What's next? Will Dopey smoke a blunt with some 8th graders behind the Haunted House? He's "Dopey", ladies and gentlemen! Cut to Winnie the Pooh hurling bear feces at innocent cry-standers. He's Winnie the Pooh, for God's sake! And don't even get me started on Snow White and her Adventures in Nose-Candy Land.

Take my advice: Keep your kids a good 15 feet away from Disney's Latest Characters "Molesty" and "Get-in-my-Vanny."

Also noteworthy, check out the man behind the mask. Yeesh! You're telling me Disney officials didn't know this guy was a child molester/shover in advance? Is this what Disney characters look like unrobed, sans giant rubber head?? Check out some of the faces behind Mickey, Pluto, and Cinderella (in the wee hours).

- The Thomas Jeffersons: Movin' On Up. Check out the latest hotness that is the New Nickel.

- Driving without a Ricense: The Yukon. Barren landscape. A man stops his truck to celebrate Canada's win in a hockey tournament. His wonderdog knocks his truck into drive, and takes off. This story was really just a vehicle for me to post this picture of a frightened dog attempting escape:

- New York's Top Baby Name is Emily, narrowly beating out New York's second and third choices, "Little Bastard" and "Hurry up! The train is here! Come on, stop dragging your feet! Let's go!! Stop whining, NOW. Uch, GOD, why did I have kids?!?!"

- NYers Take Note: No matter what you hear, it IS in fact OK to be drunk and high while serving jury duty. No word yet on if my boss allows similar behaviors in my foam-walled asylum. Still no word yet on whether I give a shit.

- The award for most intriguing title of the day goes to: Lay Down Sally Slapped by Team Mate. When Sally says she likes to row, she means it in every sense of the word.

- This News Article says: Beer In Moderation Could Be Good For You. My Bloated FUPA Says: Please... No... More... Beer.

- And for all those single gals out there: YOY! Really, this is how I picture myself looking in heaven. On second thought, this pic is making me mildly-slash-very uncomfortable.

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