A Joke from Mom
Because of our work schedules, my mother and I usually converse late in the evening, once her shows have finished up and I throw back my fourth finger of Alize. Our calls lately have been starting up at around 11 pm, sometimes later. As a result, the two of us are pretty beat following a long day of work, but manage to spit out most of the pertinent details: namely back pain, fledgling careers and bloat. Just bloat. I am not surprised nor embarassed that I behave much of the time like a 59 year old woman. (Please, look away from me. I'm... I'm hideous.)
Yesterday, mother had a joke. It was about 11:45 pm. This is pretty much how it was told to me:
(Loud television in the background)
Mom: Oh, Gordon told me a great joke. Wanna hear?
Me: (Unconscious with a bubble of vomit coming out of my nose.)
Mom: OK. So this elephant walks into a bar. Hold on -- Mendy! Mendy!!
Dad (Mendy): (silent.)
Mom: Turn the TV down? I can't talk with it so loud! (pause. TV lowering.) OK. So this elephant walks into a bar -- wait, do you know this?
Me: (White paint on face, black lipstick, wrapping invisible rope around my neck and miming my own death.)
Mom: I think you'll like it. So this elephant walks into a bar. And in the back of the bar, aaaaall the way behind the other people... (pause) No, I'm screwing it up, hold on. (pause) So, in the back, there's a man playing the piano. Michelle? Are you there?
Me:
Mom: So he's playing, and it's a beauuuu-tee-ful melody. Just stunning. He's a great pianist, like a Chopin. Everyone loves it. Hold on. Mendy! Stop clinking your fork on the plate!! You're eating too loud, I can hear you all the way to here!! (phone rustling, man's voice in the background.) You shouldn't even be eating, it's almost midnight! That's why you're not losing weight! (phone rustling) OK, Mich?
Me:
Mom: So the pianist is really playing beautifully. And slowly, the elephant starts walking to the back of the bar. Michelle? Really, you're gonna like this.
Me:
Mom: So he's walking, and he starts to cry. He's standing right by the piano player, crying, while this music is being made. So the piano player, he looks up and sees the elephant crying. Michelle?
Me:
Mom: So he sees him crying, and he says "Oh no! What's wrong? Do you recognize the song?" And the elephant lifts his head, and he says "No." (beat, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) "I recognize the keys."
Me:
Mom: Isn't that cute? (laughing wildly) I recognize the keys!! Mich?
Me:
Too soon? Probbies.
Yesterday, mother had a joke. It was about 11:45 pm. This is pretty much how it was told to me:
(Loud television in the background)
Mom: Oh, Gordon told me a great joke. Wanna hear?
Me: (Unconscious with a bubble of vomit coming out of my nose.)
Mom: OK. So this elephant walks into a bar. Hold on -- Mendy! Mendy!!
Dad (Mendy): (silent.)
Mom: Turn the TV down? I can't talk with it so loud! (pause. TV lowering.) OK. So this elephant walks into a bar -- wait, do you know this?
Me: (White paint on face, black lipstick, wrapping invisible rope around my neck and miming my own death.)
Mom: I think you'll like it. So this elephant walks into a bar. And in the back of the bar, aaaaall the way behind the other people... (pause) No, I'm screwing it up, hold on. (pause) So, in the back, there's a man playing the piano. Michelle? Are you there?
Me:
Mom: So he's playing, and it's a beauuuu-tee-ful melody. Just stunning. He's a great pianist, like a Chopin. Everyone loves it. Hold on. Mendy! Stop clinking your fork on the plate!! You're eating too loud, I can hear you all the way to here!! (phone rustling, man's voice in the background.) You shouldn't even be eating, it's almost midnight! That's why you're not losing weight! (phone rustling) OK, Mich?
Me:
Mom: So the pianist is really playing beautifully. And slowly, the elephant starts walking to the back of the bar. Michelle? Really, you're gonna like this.
Me:
Mom: So he's walking, and he starts to cry. He's standing right by the piano player, crying, while this music is being made. So the piano player, he looks up and sees the elephant crying. Michelle?
Me:
Mom: So he sees him crying, and he says "Oh no! What's wrong? Do you recognize the song?" And the elephant lifts his head, and he says "No." (beat, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) "I recognize the keys."
Me:
Mom: Isn't that cute? (laughing wildly) I recognize the keys!! Mich?
Me:
Too soon? Probbies.
posted by Michelle Collins on
Monday, April 24, 2006
