Monday, December 27, 2004

Aisle Be The Critic

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This is a new and possible one-time only feature here called "Aisle Be The Critic", where I share some thoughts, ramblings and incoherent opinions about the latest cinematic fare. Let us begin the journey.



Before ya'll start straightening the judgment tie on your gavel asses, please understand that I forced my friend to walk into a random Phantom theater just to catch a glimpse of what could be cinematic genius. And our luck! We entered the theater right as "Music of the Night" began. Sigh. Do not see this movie. The man playing Phantom has a singing voice that mimics what Kermit likely sounds like after a generous helping of orange juice in the morning, i.e. throaty, weird, and with zero power.

Final Word: Phantom of the Slopera.

Charles Nelson Reilly Says:

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The Aviator, on the other hand, really delivered a great product. Let's start with Leonardo. Do you know that this guy nearly ran me over on his bicycle on 66th Street and Broadway, with Giselle not far behind? Well he did. I was clearly so star struck that you could've ripped my lips off and stuck em in the spokes to create a catchy "motor" sound I think Leo would have liked. Well, no hard feelings, DiCappy! You delivered a fine product in The Aviator. I found the movie thoroughly entertaining, beautifully shot and overall enjoyable. But back to Leo: Can you believe that this guy is 30? He could still pass as the little kid on Growing Pains, I swear. My only gripe with the film was DiCaps' believability as a 50ish southuh-nuh - his close-ups were all peach fuzz and sprouting pubes. Am I actually supposed to believe that this "man" had an affair with Kate Hepburn, played by a toothy Kate Blanchett?

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Overall, The Aviator is worth your time, and it wouldn't kill you to sneak into Phantom afterwards either (although I didn't.)

Final Word: Aviator-de-Force

Charles Nelseon Reilly Says:

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You guys! Sandler is in a new movie, and, awwww, he's grown his Jewfro out!

Shame I didn't last to see his Spanglish debut. The first 10 minutes of the movie are spent with a young spanish girl reading her Princeton admissions essay aloud, describing her mother's struggle as a "Mexican" maid trying to "make it" in the "States." The truth of the matter is it's a "Penelope Cruz lookalike" who is not "Mexican at all" and somehow gets a "job" working for Tea Leoni as a... "maid." If I were Lupe Ontiveros, I'd be making a very angry call to my agent right now. Other casting misfires include an annoying, chubby little girl who, sadly, can't act. Example:

Tea: (annoying, hyper-active, hardly believable mother, after saying something racist) Gulp!

Chubby, Homely Daughter Who Has No Business Being in Movies not Cause of Weight but Cause of Bad Acting: Double Gulp!! (winks at camera.)

At this point, I grabbed my friends arm, and 10 minutes into the movie, we were "Spang-gone"!

Final Word: As my friend Becca put it: Get me out of this shitbox.

Charles Nelson Reilly Says:

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Meet the Fockers, 8:40 p.m.

The best part about going to a new movie on the same night - double the previews!! And ladies, if you go forth with this plan, bring a change of underwear, cause the "In Good Company" preview can ruin even the best of women.

As a big fan of Meet the Parents, I found it difficult to convince anyone to see Fockers with me. But after Spanglish, you could've hooked electrodes to my lids while playing Kathy Lee's Carnival Cruise Line Commercial on Imax AND repeat, and I would've been giggling like a Teletubby on Meth.

To put all these cutesy critics in their place, here we go (throat clear): Meet the Fockers is fucking hilarious. It's not a "focking good time." It's a FUCKING good time. Dustin and Barbara were drop dead funny. Ben Stiller was his old self. My only gripe is they cast some sort of demonic baby robot that reeeeeally made me uncomfortable. It's like, Look Who's Talking already called dibs on breast feeding jokes. There has to be another way.

Final Word: Meet the Pretty Funny Sequel

Charles Nelson Reilly Says:

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No movies today. I had a lovely Christmas lunch at my friend Annie's Aunt and Uncle's house. Her uncle's name is Dick Gay. I kid you not. Had to post it. Great family - If the Gay's are reading, hello and thanks! Here's a pic of my and my CFF (Close Friend Forever) Annie:

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A Giant Robot and a Girl in a Brown T-Shirt.


The Life Aquatic w/ S. Zissou, 5:00 p.m.

Let it be known that Rushmore is one of my top films of all time. Royal Tennies is in the top hundies.

The Life Aquatic, on the other hand, was one of the most muddled, clumsy, pointless, blandly acted films I've seen in a long time. Look, Bill Murray's "Sad Sack" character is winning, but it comes so naturally to him, and it's been done before. It really gets me that people just automatically tag him as a genius in Zissou. It looked like he was sleepwalking through it. And Owen? You're sweet, even if the gossip rags say you're a sleazebag with fried hair. But, cherished darling, you cannot do a Southern accent for your life, so da-rop it. Hey Wes? Where's Luke Wilson this time? My sight has got a sweet tooth, and I need some eye candy. Work on that.

Highlight of the film: JEFF GOLDBLUM!!! Can the guy do any wrong? Not only is he hilarious, he's also approx. 6 foot 8, 73 years old, and buff as shit. He makes Jack LaLane look like Jack LaBikePath! Now do you see why this will be my last movie roundup?

Final Word: Take My Life Aquatic, Please.

Charles Nelson Reilly Says:

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And to all you Jeff Goldblum fans, here's a picture (snapped by a hounding friend of mine, I'm so above that ;) of him in the stands of the Giants-Steelers game from last Sunday. He looks concerned. Jeffy, if you need to talk it out, call me. (Click for large version.)

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