Monday, September 13, 2004

Guarding Stress

OK, OK. I realize that my posting this past week was abysmal, completely uncalled for. Well, my work has finally caught up with me people, and in order to keep supplying myself with enough boxes of instant indian food to survive, I cannot get fired.

But, because it's Monday, and because I love you all, here are some little ditties that will hopefully get you through your day. Please forgive some of the more colloquial entries.

4First off, my morning commute was made all the more exciting this morning by the woman I was sitting next to. Wearing skin tight spandex pants, a cocked mushroom cap and gold-rimmed sunglasses, she seemed engrossed in some sort of do-it-yourself book. Intrigued, I took a peek at the cover. It was titled "Men Cheat, Women Experiment" by Natosha Gale Lewis. My neigh-whore was on page 129, and written atop every page in about 48 pt. Arial Bold font was the chapter title: BEWARE OF DOG! It took up over half the page.

I wanted to know more about her story, who she was, her past, that would get her to read a book such as this. One thing was for certain: No doubt men across the Tri-State area were still nursing the indelible wounds left by such a fabulously manicured vixen. She adjusted her cap, snapped her book shut, and left just about every person on my car wondering who the hell she thought she was.

4Secondly, and shortly, do not, I repeat DO NOT purchase Paper Mate Tandem pen, which is both a pen and highlighter in one. Its barrel is so cumbersome, its like learning how to write cursive with a kielbas. I.e., very uncomfortable. And 5 dollars no less! Here is a picture of a man getting my goat:

4To kick off Oprah's 19th season, she awarded every member of the audience with a brand new Pontiac car, after friends and family wrote in about all of their car troubles. Hey, friends, someone want to start a letter writing campaign to Oprah for me? I don't want to drop any hints, but it rhymes with Bass Bimplants. Imagine what an awesome Season Finale that would make.

4In other personal news, I was very nearly attacked by a Pantsless Old Man downtown on Friday. Ladies, listen up: If you see a P.O.M. in your vicinity, do yourself a favor and DO NOT offer him some pants, new or used. He doesn't want pants, not your pants or anyone's. But please know, from me to you, that you have a good heart.

4The title of this one should explain it all: Doing Hard Time In Monkey Jail. Really, though, the idea of little effeminate monkey gangs = ADORABLE.

4Side note: My grandmother once went to a zoo in Austria, and one monkey, who until then had been completely calm and collected, took one look at her and flipped it's little chimp lid. It began hurling tomatoes at her, literally going apeshit on her ass, and only chilled out after she had left. When she returned to test the monkey waters a little later(she was one feisty ol' broad, that Grandma of mine), again the monkey threw tomatoes at her. It was Monkey 2, Grandma 0 in this Evolutionary War battle.

4Cat Toilet Danger: Ay No!

4I quit smoking 3 weeks ago and am up to half-a-pack of Orbit Gum an hour, in other words a loss of $0.19 a minute. This should inspire a whole new letter writing campaign to Oprah's cronies.

4V.E.C.S., or "Very Exciting Celebrity Sighting": Not so much because of the star power, more so due to the proximity to my apartment. On my very corner, actor Richard Kind. Long, unsatisfied sigh.

4Finally, very exciting news:, the "Youth Movement" for which I am the spokeswoman (and I'm ALL spokeswoman, honey), has received its first mention in print in today's San Francisco Chronicle. See the article here (last paragraph.) Stay tuned for more press tid-bits in the coming days...

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