RaNCid

Let's begin with an open letter to CBS: Can you please pick a time, one muthafuckin' time, a week when Amazing Race 5 fans (holla!) can catch the new episodes?? I swear, every week, New York has a new time slot for this bullshit. I wasted an hour of my life watching Trading Spouses yesterday (cut to me at the end, crying my face off), until I got the obligatory post-Race wrap-up call from dear Mother, and nearly blew a gasket. A gasket of rage.

Moving on, I caught Schwarzenegger's speech at the RNC yesterday. He looks great. Although he should really consider travelling to Beijing in 2008 to compete in some Equestrian dressage with that wife a his. Hey Maria. This Guy called. He wants his face back. Satisfied sigh. My work here is done.

Or is it? Clearly, Schwartzy has no need to go to the Olympics, as his speech was chock full of bronzed mettle. But in between random movie catch phrases ("To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: 'It's not a tumah!'") and misty-eyed recollections of coming out of the Republican closet, well... he just didn't seem to be making sense.

Example:

The President didn't go into Iraq because the polls told him it was popular. As a matter of fact, the polls said just the opposite. But leadership isn't about polls. It's about making decisions you think are right and then standing behind those decisions. That's why America is safer with George W. Bush as President.

My ears blinked really hard when they heard this one. Is this supposed to soften my cold, dead heart to Bush's radical decision making? Did Al Franken get a hold of his speech before air time? (Clearly, he didn't, as the speech would have ended with Schwarzegger furiously masturbating while screaming "I'm the Govahnatah! You are Govahnated!" ... or something like that... awkward throat clear.)

Best part of the night had to be the Bush Twins coming out to introduce their Mother. Watching them stammer their way through a terribly written speech (really, they should have been reading it off of a three-way-board, sci projy style), I couldn't help but feel really good... about myself. Chelsea Clinton threatened me a little bit, a little too full of herself. "Look at me! I'm a ballet dancer! I went to Oxford!" she taunted continuously. These girls... now these are girls I can feel superior too! And, you know? That might be just enough to swing my vote. (Insert infinite JK's here.)