You Can't Make It Up: Vaughn Upmanship

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Vaughn Upmanship

What do me and this barefoot hillbilly have in common? We're both changing our tune! And we both look great without our shirt on..... Stop looking at me like that.

This is an open apology to actor Vince Vaughn. If you're reading this blog for the purpose of laughing, STOP READING. This letter will drip with nothing but sincerity and heart, and namely, respect.

Dear Vince:

I am sorry for the things I said about you and your appearance the other day. I had wrongfully stereotyped you as being incredibly obnoxious, a "one-trick pony". From Swingers to Old School, it was the same cocky shtick, and it really went against my grain. So I thought I'd knock ya down a couple of rungs from the comfort of my anonymous blogging throne, its guilded clawed feet, plush ermine trim.

But oh, Vince, oh, Mssr. Vaughn. How wrong I was indeed.

I caught your new film Wedding Crashers (in a glove made from tender veal leather and admiration, no less), and may I just say, I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard. You and Owen were pitch perfect, and have both re-upped yourselves to the top guys in my heart after a string of disappointments. I'm so glad you both still have it in you!! Kittin from the branch, guys, and it all pays off I guess. See, I'm even learning the lessons that the inspirational posters could never inspire.

And Vince, re: your recent weight fluctuation: Who am I to talk?? I'm like the Tom Smothers of yo-yo dieting! Is there such a trick as "Eating a Whole Box of Snackwells"? If so, I have mastered this trick. In addition, I have only just today learned that you have quit smoking. Weight gain is such a given, I'm a little disappointed in myself that I wasn't more supportive.

I don't so much "Walk the Dog" as I do "Eat 7 Lean Cuisine's in One Sitting."

To those people out there reading this, Wedding Crashers might be the funniest movie I've seen in years. And Vince really made the movie. Toss whatever beef you have to the curb, and SEE THE FILM. Owen was in top form, as usual, a definite improvement over The Life Aquatic, which I found flat. If anything, it was Chris Walken (or, if we're really being informal here, CeCe Walken) who really felt bland in what I was expecting to be pure hilarity. And I won't bring up the famous cameo at the end, but even that felt fake, forced and unfunny. Wilson and Vaughn. Sigh. PitterPat of little baby feet and my heart.