I Scalped My Pinkie Toe

Like a little Indian. On the corner of a friend's bed. Which had just collapsed. I'm not going to say the reason, and will have all of you believing what you want to believe, but let's just say what DIDN'T happen was that I sat on it. K?

Also, my little tooeeeeee AHHH! It turned white like a microscopic albino piglet, then regained its color and started spewing blood. Eventually, I had to wrap it in toilet paper to stop the bleeding. It looked like a tiny Harry Houdini reincarnated on my huge red foot, a little straight jacket. An adorable little Houdini! I nearly cleavered it off, wrapped it in a necklace, and threw it in the Hudson to see if it could escape from its chains. Instead, I just put a nasty looking dark brown cloth band-aid on it and avoid eye contact on the train.

How many of you out there would pay to see someone sing exactly like Alanis Morisette? No reason, just something I always think about.

I'm pretty sure I induced an ulcer today after consuming an entire box of stale Altoids. GOOD NEWS ALERT! I just went to the bathroom and gave birth to a healty puppy in the toilet. Scroll frown for pic: