Friday, May 06, 2005

Mother's Day Hint...

Mother's Day is fast approaching, and I'm at my wits end as to what to buy dear Mother. Flowers cost way too much money - $50 for a dozen roses, and frankly, what's the first thing you think of when you get flowers? For me, it's "I'd rather have the money." (I'm a real romantic, Gentlemen.) Now my Mother is hard to shop for, as she's far more glamorous than I, and usually the clothing or accessories I would pick out for her are sweetly and lovingly placed in a shopping bag in her closet that reads like a time capsule of past holidays.

But this year I think I've done it. I've found mother the perfect gift, combining elegance, class, design, ease of use and purpose. Not to give too much away, but here's a little hint as to what dear Mother will be receiving for Mother's Day:

No word yet if it also massages (ahummenahummena)-year old talons. (Cut to my feet in 20 years, p.s., and then gouge your eyes out.) And if your Mom's a mermaid, tell her their custom-designed Uggs! She'll never know the difference, and she'll be the talk of the ocean-floor tabloids for days. Just make sure to take out the batteries before she gets in the water, or you'll be dealing with a whole other kind of "El Fin" that the Italians call "Morte."

Also, you know who I'm getting a liiiiittle sick and tired of? This Jennifer Wilbanks character. We get it - you're an anorexic gym rat who didn't want to marry your chaste, born-again Virgin husband (the Post article is cleverly entitied "Cold Sheets"). So you devised a scheme a la a partially aborted Lucy McGillicuddy, and the next thing you know, you're national news. Congratulations.

My problem isn't with that... It's with your picture, your face, your eyes.

I swear to God, if I see this picture one more time, I'm going to pull a Mortal Combat on myself and rip out my blackened, beating heart. Lay off the caffeine, J-dubs, and throw back a couple of Luna bars 911.

And just so you know, not because I'm saying anything: The ballot is up for the Emerging Comics of New York Awards. I LOVE filling out ballots on-line, and if you do too, check it out! Wow, getting nominated for BEST COMEDY WRITER or BEST COMEDIC WEBSITE would probably make that lucky person feel like a million ducks!

I've ruined everything, haven't I?

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