Tuesday, May 03, 2005

A Face Not Even Your Mother Could Love

The New York Times can sometimes knock you out with their hard-hitting journalism, and today is no exception. Writer Nicholas Bakalar reports in Ugly Children May Get Parental Short Shrift that, in a nutshell, you could give a shit what happens to your homely children. Canadian researchers spent countless hours analyzing a gaggle of wall-eyed tots, and notes that parents are less likely to buckle their buck-toothed babes into the shopping cart, which could lead to an "accidental tipping over", causing the tot to "crack his head open", which would result in the 3-year-old beast meeting its maker 3 years and 3 months after its mother intended it to had she had an extra $500 layin' around. (But what really needs to get aborted is that last joke, am I right folks? Do you guys like prop comedy? (I pull out a gun and blow my brains out.))

This little girl was found abandoned in a shopping cart in Concord, MA using dozens of unsold InTouch Weekly's to keep her warm.

Where was I? Ahh yes, your mangle-faced ankle-biter. Nick-Backs adds that parents with ugly children (sorry again Mom and Dad) allow their homely-homewreckers to wander further away from them while shopping, sometimes over a distance of 10 feet or more. Well sure they do! What molester is going to abduct some little ugly asshole??? Ugly kids are a dime a duzz these days. Kidnappers are obviously only interested in PYT's (pretty young thangs.) I mean, hellooo -- Elizabeth Smart anybody? The already once-divorced teen was in People's 50 Most Beautiful Issue -- even shit-smearing looney bin laden's know a pretty face when they see one.

Sometimes embarassed parents will just feed their homely children until they explode. Looks like these lil' guys have a rabid case of the Munchausens.

I think probably the most interesting thing learned in this lil' article is that you can now see whether or not your kid is actually good-lookin'. Go ahead - let the fruit of your groins roam the aisles of the supermarket unattended for 10, 15 minutes. Feeling guilty? Hurry and snatch up that cute little motherfucker before someone else does. Forgot that you even took your tyke to the supermarket to begin with? Back out of the place slowly and hope that ugly bastard of yours gets cozy in the meat freezer. It's a good thing its baby daddy isn't around any more - how could you have fucked that ugly cocksucker to begin with?

It's a miracle SJP was able to make it past 3-years-old alive!

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