Thursday, April 28, 2005

We're All Stars Now, In the Pope Show

I caught wind of a few nicknames for the new Pope recently, Joseph Ratzinger, or as he prefers to be called "Pope Benedict XVI." Lord know I love his eggs, and lord knows I hate a traitor, but I'm still kind of up in the air bout this new Pope. Maybe it's cause I miss John Paul, and his grandfatherly and backward stances against birth control (or, as he used to call it, "the device that blocks God's will to make your life a misery.") He almost reminded me of my Grandparents - in the sense that he's old, not in the sense that he's a retarded, missing-link band of idiot, racist bastards.

Woah! Did not mean to get personal. So this Pope, while I haven't really warmed up to him yet, I certainly have fallen in love with his nicknames. The British press have really outdone themselves this time. Let's take a look at the top 3, starting with third place.

3. "Joey Ratz"

I like this one, as it makes him a man of his own people, the Italian people, famous for being mobsters and then giving one another intimidating nicknames, like "Tony Scars" or "Frankie the Anal Raper." "Joey Ratz" brings to mind a possible sermon: "Hey, I'm worshipping God ovah heeaaah", or "Get on ya fuckin' knees, ya fuck, it's praytime, and today's yuh lucky day, mothafucka."

The other thing it brings to mind is the character Rizzo Rat from the Muppets, a muppet whose visage alone makes my skullcap tingle with a childlike laughter.

Best part about this picture was discovering that there's a website called The Kermitage.

2. The "German Shephard"

Do I even need to explain why I love this? God, it's adorable. Seriously, bring this little fella in and let's get the conversion under way.

1. "Papa Razzi"

LOVE THIS ONE! Clever, descriptive, Italian-sounding (or just plain Italian)... How the NYPost could've let this one slip through their fingers is a travesty.

Pssst! Come here. Closer! Listen. It's John Paul. Heaven is awesome -- having the time of life. But this new Pope... whaddya think? I'm still on the fence. I mean -- "Benedict"? Who does he think he's kidding? And hellooo - cucumber slices over those eyes would cure those bags overnight! Every Pope knows that.

Speaking of Papa Razzi, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise together?!? He could be her really hot, slightly-femme, short with a fabulous smile, leather-jacket clad Dad! I just had to let everyone know.

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