Monday, May 02, 2005

Starfucking at 6 am

This weekend, I had the pleasure of being a "talent wrangler" at the Revlon Run/Walk for the third year in a row. It's a pretty great job: You essentially "babysit" a celeb, walk them to the stage at the appropriate time, and in exchange, get a free breakfast and t-shirt out of the deal. Wrangling (or "handling" as some prefer to call it in the Mid-West) must be one of the most pointless jobs ever. They make you stand next to the celeb so that in case they need to find where the celeb is, they can just look for you. Well, why don't you look for the celebrity in the first-place assholes? One of the most frustrating things about being famous must be the constant coddling. Lord knows when I make it it's gonna be all baby bonnet's and buckets of talcum powder to prevent my ass from getting chapped.

Till that happens, however, I will be forced to examine and study celebrities from a distance of a few feet when possible. In the past, the Run/Walk nets some pretty well-known people: Julianne Moore (a staple every year), Renee Zellwiggah Please, Eva Mendes ("The Best, Jerry! The Best!"), and a couple of Law and Order nobodies for good measure. This year it was Mariska Hargitay (Green dress, embarassing Emmy fiasco with A. Janney), who I gotta admit, is one-half of the most fucking cute/good-looking couple ever. Their lovey-doveyness not only didn't nauseate me, it almost gave me hope for the future. Is that weird to say out loud?

This year was no exception. First off, I was wrangling Karen "Duff" Duffy, and while I'll give it to you that she hasn't done much for me lately, anyone who had a prominent role in "Dumb and Dumber" will always hold a mighty torch in my eyes. And she was very lovely and unassuming in person, looked great for her age, blah blah blah. Really can't say anything negative since she was overall very cool, so lay off the Duff.

So focusing on the exciting/hilarious parts. First off, someone I admire not only for being a-DOOR-able (see In Good Company, then glow for 3 days afterwards like I did), Topher Grace, who was a bit shorter and thinner than I would have gathered from various stalking reports. I was surprised he made it on time, given that he was there at 7 am. His handler, p.s., was a 19-year-old bleached-blonde Jerzey girl in skin-tight low-rider jeans and wearing 6 inch platform sandals (it was 40 degrees and pouring rain out). You know sistah woke up at 3 am to get that shit ready. Although who am I to judge: Had I been in her shoes, I would've been an 8-foot tall tranny. But seriously, my hair straightener probably would have short-circuited itself in excitement.

Needless to say, I wasn't about to go over to Toph and chat him up (Hey, I'm a loser, but camman). I DID, however, make a group of people crack up laughing for 10 minutes straight (including a band called the Dan Dyer Band, which I will promote on this blog as they were so fucking adorable and nice that I couldn't get enough of em!), and every time I had these people goin, I would sneak a look at Topher and catch him eyeing us enviously as his blonde-lackey flipped her hair and nervously chuckled. Topher, there is pah-lenty more to hear-slash-see over in this corner of the freakshow-tent: If you're reading this, call me.

And before I get to the hilarious sightings, I want to add that, while I am not a baseball fan in the least, Joe Torre seems to be one of the nicest guys ever. He was all smiles and good-mornings and I kind of wanted to adopt him, although I gather that would involve a lot of clutching him to my bosom, and I'm not sure if our relationship is ready for that, Joe.

Wow, didn't think I'd rant so long on the Topher/Torre thing. The real reason I write this is to report on the two most hi-LAR-ious celeb sightings ever, so good, in fact, that I registered with WireImage just to post photos of them...

So there I am, standing to the side of the "red carpet", when my eyes catch a certain unmistakable visage that seems oh-so-familiar... And within 3 seconds I realize it's BILLY BALDWIN. Now, to be completely honest, he is a very good-looking guy: Tall, slim, a good head o' hair on him. But, let's delve further...

First, the gel. His hair was so rock-solidly-shalaqued, I nearly thought this motherfucker was Johnny Depp. Next, the outfit: tapered jeans, a white tee, and a black tuxedo-ish vest, the whole thing very 1993-circa-sliver. Really, doesn't Chyna Phillips give him any style advice at all? He could be devilishly handsome with the right wardrobe and hair update. This was my first Baldwin sighting, and outfit or no, I would be lying if the girly side of me didn't get veh veh excited.

For this final sighting, I will first explain the scenario and the reveal the mystery "celeb" (those sarcasm quotes should have you thinking already.) So there I am, stealing glances at Toph and trying to stay dry, when in walks a couple of seriously hilarious characters: The woman is dressed in a baby-pink velour tracksuit, is wearing at least 7 layers of pancake foundation, and in the zipped up top, is cradling a small, brown dog. With her is a man, nearly 7 feet tall, who looks like a character plucked from a Wes Anderson movie: Red hair that feathers out around the side of his face, porcelain white skin, a fairly big nose, and over his rail thin body a white velour tracksuit with brand new white Adidas. He is holding a Louis Vuitton dog carrier.

So I see this couple, I register that there's something a-strange going on, but rather than playing "Celebrity Guess Who?" (Does she have a beard? No? Flip down Barbara Walters, Rosie O'Donnell and Liz Taylor), I focus, of course, on the Puppy. "Yoy!!" I exclaim, "Yook at cheem! Che ees a so smaaaaww! Hehehe." (I should add that I wasn't standing alone, otherwise I seriously would have looked like a flaming nut-job.) The woman, rather than smile, turned her back on my so viciously, I was a little taken aback. And that's when the cards started falling into place.


Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Oksana Baiul.

Hope these pics were worth the $10 monthly registration fee I'll now have to pay! Of course, that means I'll be forced to cover celebrity red carpet events, so fair warning.

So there's my recap!! Overall, I adore the event, and the rainy/cold weather really did dampen the fun. Cali people should be warned that the Run/Walk is happening there this weekend -- participate!!

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