Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Back on the Market, Ladies!

Put your sleeping caps on, Ladies! The hotter than hot King of Public Television Late Night is back on the singles scene -- that is until I can get my old-digging claws in him.

Yes, Charlie Rose, that tall, debonair chatterbox who prefers round tables, stark backgrounds, and the sound of his own voice, has just broken up with his long-term girlfriend, Amanda Burden -- and burden is right! I've seen the couple in person (they sat in front of me at a showing of Spiderman at Lincoln Center a few years back -- but don't ask me what the plot was about.. I couldn't take my eyes off Char-Char! He's a god.) Good on you, Charlie Rose, for pushing that skinny blonde who looked like she had a broom handle stuck in her "Upper East Side" to the curb.

Seems like Charlie's taking the news pretty wel-- oh no! Charlie, don't do it! Come down from there -- we love you! (biting fist and whispering) Stay. Strong.

Charlie Rose is the perfect man: Tall, educated, his voice enveloping your soul like a velvet-lined Fed Ex Box, with overnight delivery to Slumberland. It'll be the best Sominex I've ever had. The last time our eyes met was at Schiller's, one of Char-Char's favorite haunts, the night of Martha Stewart's conviction -- another one of Charlie's old flames. He seemed incensed (as we all were - Barnard Grads forevah!), slamming his palm down against the table, the hollow exasperation resonating through the masses of douchebags. When he got up to leave, our glances crossed and locked: I huskily wished him a good night, and he nodded. Did you hear that? HE NODDED AT ME. I've already got my foot in the bore.

So, Charlie, my nightcap is cocked. Consider this a warning: I will find you, and when I do, I will attempt to make conversation and end up embarassing myself. Fair warning.

Dude, what the fuck is going on with Count Sean Penn's hair? Seriously, is he starring in "Pomade in Manhattan" or what? Really, Sean, from a friend: Lay off the sauce.

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