Friday, December 10, 2004

Do's and Don'ts of 2004

1. DO have a food taster handy if you find yourself eating in a Ukrainian Restaurant.

From George Clooney to Mickey Rooney.

2. DON'T go to Sephora with time to kill before an event. I recently made this mistake, and between my greediness and the makeup free-for-all, I basically gilded my face in glitter, gloss and low self-esteem.

No, that's not me, asshole, but you get the idea...

3. DO have an unhealthy obsession with Google Image Search, which will pull up gems like this picture of a clown painted on a cat's asshole:

4. DON'T drink on an empty stomach. It has occurred to me that I should never get drunk around strangers... what my friends might find "endearing" (endearing like a retarded ape in highwater pants), others find "intimidating" or "borderline psychotic" or "chatty".

No one likes a chatty gal.

5. DO nab a spot aboard the Space Station in order to reach goal weight before 2005.

Awkward laughter: "I'm astro-not really hungry right now."

6. DON'T tell your ignorant, hateful, immigrant Grandparents that you're working on a "side project" that is, in any way at all, related to the word "sex".

"Hahahaha... we're cutting you out of the will"*

*(Note, not my actual grandparents.)

7. DO hire an Estate Attorney.

8. DON'T highlight your hair the night before your birthday using any product with the word "natural" or "essence" in the title because you think you need some extra flair. It will cost you $200, a day off of work and a coupla handfuls of bleached hair. And honey, you got flair to spare!

I hear you on that one, friend.

9. DO buy a Mr. T Pez dispenser.

"I pity the fool who don't take a delicious candy out of my dispenser!"

10. DO send the Pope my regards.

11. DO install a "revolving man-door".

12. DON'T make long, tedious lists as a way to kill time at work.

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