Thursday, January 19, 2006

It's Like... Some Kind of Annoying Movie Trend Or Something

Every now and again in New York, you come across poor, unemployed shmucks standing in front of a movie theather, or on your street corner, or huddling around a trash can fire in your airshaft (euphemism for raping you), offering you free screening passes to an upcoming movie. They're everywhere. The good news is, they're giving you free movie passes, so you can't really complain (although somehow I just did).

(midwestern accent) "It stars DJ Qualls and Zach Braff, and it's about dirtbike racing! Call this number and be there at 6:15 sharp! Hurry up now, you're gonna be late for work!"

A few months back, a friend and I went to see the latest Maggie Gyllenhaal epic, entitled "Some Kind Of Heaven." In it, Gyllenhaal plays a recovering drunk and drug addict who, just released from prison, returns to Jersey to live in a halfway house and reestablish a relationship with her young daughter. In other words, nearly identical to the plot of Shrek 3. And in yet more words, utterly and completely soul crushing.

Starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and the Olsen Twins.

Before the movie began, the woman running the screening picked my friend and I to participate in a post-movie Q&A session with only about 10 other people. If there are two things I'm good at, it's speaking up in crowds and shooting my huge arm into the air to catch someone's attention, hence I was nothing short of jazzed. Movie ends, my friend and I discuss privately, and then it's showtime! Q&A time that is.

I had many things on my mind, some things not even relating to the movie at all, and I made sure to tell the proctor all of them.

One major beef I had was the title: "Some Kind of Heaven." Nothing seemingly wrong with it at first, until you see the movie. One scene has Maggie on a payphone, speaking to her brother. She looks around, and then mumbles "I don't know... you'd think we were in some kind of heaven or something..."

Eyeroll times infinity, right? I HATE when a movie's title is somehow slipped into the dialogue. Case in point:

- I don't know... you'd think we were on MUPPET TREASURE ISLAND or something"

- "God, I'm so tired... and it's so rainy... it's like I'm SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE or something"

- "What do you think of this FULL METAL JACKET I got at T.J. Maxx? It's a little big, but it was only seven dollars. Return it?? But I've always wanted a FULL METAL JACKET! Where else, am I gonna find, a FULL METAL JACKET for $7?! Listen, I understand, you're a little jealous. Look, what if I loaned you my FULL METAL JACKET every now and again, would that make things better? Yes? Great."

(muffled) "But it was only seven dollars!"

The Q&A. So I raised my hand and expressed my concern about the title, "Some Kind of Heaven". To which immediately the other dozen or so people started nodding their heads and motioning to speak in agreement. Finally! I had a comment the masses agreed with! It didn't matter what I said from then on -- I could raise my hand and let out a slow, full-bodied fart, and the people would almost definitely second my motion!

The Q&A ends, we're handed $10 (to which my pal and I danced merrily down to Union Square like the Post-War Jews that we are), and frankly, I forgot all about this movie.

Until today.

Because today, friends, is when I learned... that the movie has a NEW TITLE! Don't you UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS?!?!?! I CHANGED MOVIE HISTORY! Me!

The new title? Sherrybaby. Meh. It's premiering at Sundance this year, so keep an eye out for it, over-privileged film buffs.

Enjoy your movie, sir.

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