Monday, October 04, 2004

Brace Yourself

As many of you know, a few weeks ago I hurt my arm accidentally by sleeping on it for 7 straight hours and literally crushing myself. A quick visit to the orthopedist cleared everything up: I was, in fact, diseased. I had a case of De Quervain's Disease, aka a severe form of tendonitis.

The good news is I was given a pretty spiffy brace. A brace that says "Hey, look at me! I hurt myself in a game of Extreme Handball" or "I work in a mail room/lift heavy things for a living!" or "This ain't no wrist brace, this is a prosthetic thumb, bitch!"... anything but "Oh this? Yeah, no, I slept on my arm funny, and so... yeah."

So my high-tech brace and I have become fast friends (cut to my brace and me having a candle-lit dinner, going to the opera together, and my brace shielding its face when I use the facilities.) But the relationship is a rocky one. See, after getting the brace just this past Wednesday, we already have a problem... namely that it smells like a dead man.

Yes, after only 5 days I can hardly look my brace in the eyes. I would elaborate on the subtle nuances of its aroma, but really, what good would that do? My simple solution to this die-lem was to purchase Johnson's Baby Powder and sprinkle it liberally on the inside of the splint. While baby powder is probably my least favorite smell on earth (right after baby), it cannot even come close to the combined smell of both brace and powder, the likes of which can be compared to a week old soiled diaper.

Which brings me to my point: WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE USE BABY POWDER TO COVER UP STINK? For serious! My mother SWEARS by it, to the point that when she removes her feet from her non-breathable shoes, her foot is encased in another shoe made solely of powder. From then on out, you can follow her wanderings around the house Family Circus style thanks to the Sasquatch-like white footprints left everywhere.

This creates problems when I, adamantly anti-powder, will come home for a visit, and unbeknownst to me the "Powder Fairy" (aka Mother) will attack my shoes in the night, powdering them willy nilly until they look like I just pulled them out from the Ghost of Christmas Past's Asshole. As a result, a former favorite pair of green suede flats are now completely unwearable, as the footbed is covered in a disgusting grayish paste.

I want to hear what you have to say America. Pro/Anti-Powder people speak up for yourselves!! Other alternatives would also be appreciated.

Publicity Side Note: I will be appearing on Michael Medved's Radio Show this afternoon at 5 pm EST (syndicated nationally) I will be on for an hour, so make sure to have bedpans avail so as not to miss ANY of it :)

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