Monday, January 23, 2006

2006 Bloggie Awards: Vote 4 the Underdog... ME!

It was with great surprise and honor last night that I learned of my nomination for a 2006 Bloggie Award for Most Humorous Blog. The Bloggies are considered the "Blogging Oscars" amongst throngs of single, poorly dressed dorkos with awkward bodies, social anxiety disorder, halitosis, and a knack for "skipping out on the tab." Otherwise known as "My Peoples."

Being nominated is a real honor, but let's be frank: It's the winning that counts. Winning is fantastic, awesome, inspiring. Nobody ever writes inspirational poetry about winning stuff, because winners are people who are above poetry. It's the losers who pen dumb shit about falling off your bike and getting up again, healing the wounds, blah blah blah. Poetry sucks and Emily Dickinson killed herself. You get the idea.

So winning should be simple right? Just get the most people to vote for me. Here is the point where I throw out a major roadblock. See, the other 4 sites nominated, well, how do I put this... THEY ARE MUCH, MUCH MORE POPULAR THAN ME. I mean we are talking many, many more hits, many more fans, much more ad revenue. These people own matching shoes, take the subway to work (I ride my handcar), heat their baked beans up in a microwave (I eat mine cold). These are people who don't need to put up posts begging for votes: America loves them and will vote accordingly.

Hence - I need a strategy stat. If I'm gonna take this prize (which I believe is about $20, or roughly 3 Armenian handjobs), I need to devise a way to get people's attention and make them want to vote for me. And then it hit me.

Play the Underdog Card©.

If there's one thing Hollywood has taught me over the years , it's that America (and the world) loves Underdogs. They love rooting for the little guy (or the woman with the thyroid problem, as the case may be.) They love comeback stories, unexpected victories, surprise endings... simply put, America loves seeing LOSERS WIN. Cases in point:

1. Rudy Ruettiger

Hobbit joins Notre Dame football team, and against all odds, makes history books after tackling some meathead and becoming the only player to ever be carried off the field. Also stars "Fat Jon Favreau Version 1", ROC, and Skinny Mute Vince Vaughn.

2. You've Got Mail

Fishlips Von Quaid must close her adorable, little bookshop, after Tom "Mrs. Spielberg" Hanks opens his mega-bookshop down the street. What these two don't realize is that the whole time they're fighting, they're also e-mailing each other anonymously and falling in love! Underdog story as Meg Ryan was single, but eventually was able to marry rich. I always, always cry at the end, but I think it's cause my Dad taped over the actual end with footage of 9/11.

3. Miracle

1980's USA hockey team overcomes the fact that they're all drop dead gorgeous and beats Russia to win Olympic Gold. I, too, hope to overcome this fact.

4. Corky from Life Goes On

Uh, hello! The guy had down syndrome and could STILL memorize his lines. On top of everything, he managed to go on to host the (now defunct) talk show, "The Late Late Show with Corky from Life Goes On."

5. Hilary Swank in... anything

Do the math: The girl has starred in TWO movies (The Next Karate Kid was really more of a documentary) and has, how many? That's right: TWO OSCARS. Admittedly, she had to look like a bull dyke in both films, but underdogs come in all shapes and sizes folks. Even extremely, scarily muscular waif-sized ones. Boys may not cry, but girls do, and I definitely will, if I lose.

6. Ross Perot

Multi-Zillionaire with fetal alcohol syndrome runs for office and wins! (puts finger on hidden earpiece) Hold on, I'm... (listening) I'm getting word he actually did NOT win the election. (mumbling) He's dead now? (clearing throat) Umm... (pause) (smiles blankly at the camera.)


Best cartoon ever? Maybe not. That's why he was an UNDERDOG folks. Damn.

And that's only 7 of literal millions of examples!

So I propose we try a little experiment: Check out the Bloggie noms, vote for your faves, but specifically, this blog (under the Most Humorous category, ninth from the bottom, or just CTRL-Find it yourself), and submit it. Vote multiple times with different e-mail addresses if you have to! We can do this, America.

Then, forward the Bloggie Noms (or this post) to all your friends, relatives, loved ones, and even those you don't really love (I'm talking to you, orphaned baby in a chest of drawers), asking them to vote for me, and for them to pass it on, etc. etc. If you want to maybe also say that for every e-mail forwarded, $1 is donated to breast cancer, or something of that ilk, go ahead.

Or if you really want to grab my attention, you can even root for this classic underdog on your blog, or even Livejournal. Hell, even your Myspace profile! I'll take whatever I can get.

What's in it for you? Very, very little, other than helping an UNDERDOG out and reaping the HEART-WARMING benefits of watching me BASK IN THE GLORY of receiving an award. Do you see how great that would be for you? Good.

Now get to it! There are only 8 days left to vote!!

With all my love and warmth,
Your nominee,

Michelle Collins

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