Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The Nerd's Guide to Anti-Bullying

God bless Bono. When he's not shilling for Apple, counting non-consecutive numbers in Spanish, and singing on the back of flatbed trucks in New York, he's remembering the little people. The little, beat-up, nerdy people.

Bono, along with some other notable celebs such as David Beckham and Kelly Brooke (?) have banded together, literally, to fight bullying in British schools with their cleverly titled "Anti-Bully Campaign". By hiring body guards, you say? Or giving skinny little runty kids (or obese ones for that matter) brass knuckles and tazer guns? No, even better than that... by far the most menacing, bully-scarer-offer to ever exist... a BLUE RUBBER BRACELET.

Yes, this menacing rubber bracelet has the word "Beat Bullying" embossed across it. Clever slogan, using a violent term to quash violence. Stay tuned for the "Pummel Wife Abuse" and "Give It To Rapists Without Their Consent" bracelets.

So apparently parents and educators thought that by wearing this bracelet, children would be giving off the message saying "Hey Bully! I'm against you, your values, and everything you stand for... and I've got the blue rubber band to prove it!" (pausing to mull over concept, then reconsidering Bono's fame.)

The result? Kids wearing blue Anti-Bullying rubber bracelets are getting their asses kicked. By bullies. Kudos, bullies! Way to make an awesome point.

Take a look at some of these other "tactics" used to give off that heavily nuanced anti-bully vibe:

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Here's Irving wearing his "Anti-Bully Blue Rubber Hat."

E=MCAssKicking: Here's Joanne and her "Anti-Bully Miniature Einstein Plushie."

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Here, Don tells the bullies to "Snooze it or Lose It" with his "Anti-Bully Security Blanket."

Also, check out this page I found listing the results and pictures from a "Robofesta Competition". Figure 26, cleverly entitled an "Anti-Bully Machine", was wet-dreamed up by some gender neutral twirp named KIRSSY MUSSARD. Counting down from 10 until some celeb names their kid KIRSSY, and down from 5 until poor Mr./Ms. Mussard gets yet ANOTHER ass kicking. Also note Fig. 1, a clever "TeacherBot" named, appropriately, "TEACHIE," who's stiiiiiiiill siiiiiiiiiiingle, Gentlerobots!

Now, speaking as someone who was bullied for the better (or worse) part of her childhood, I am AGAINST this steaming pile of anti-bullyshit. Look, I've been punched in the face, in the gut (both incidents caused by the only girl taller than me in elementary school, Saudia Porter, aka Minute Bol), I've been spit on, cursed at, hit in the hand and face with a tennis racket, given 25 cents to dance the Roger Rabbit at the bus stop circa 1992, again in 2001, you name it, I had it done to me. It's a good thing trench coats do nothing for my figure, cause there woulda probably been a certain "mafia" I would have "joined."

But the kids who were bullied end up being successes. Look at me, for God's sake! Sitting here in my burlap dress, writing on my own personal blog, eating beans out of a margarine container, I'm a self-publishing, non-paid, over-hyphenated mini-mogul! It's tough when you're young, yeah, but those are the kids who try harder in life, just like short men.

Don't believe me? Just ask this Harvard Educated persimmons what HE thinks!

"Fuck off, you fucking nerd!"

That's all for today. Ass dismissed.

UPDATE: Dakota Fanning is the Devil's Spawn.

I eat babies for breakfast!

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