Thursday, December 30, 2004

New York Times and Misdemeanors

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The New York Times Real Estate column "The Hunt" profiles an 18 year old aspiring vinegar and water pouch who really puts the "unt" in "hunt". The article covers some basics about finding a roommate and getting an apartment (are you saying Craigslist has apartment listings?!?!), the only difference being that 1. Her parents are paying her rent; and 2. who gives a shit what else, her PARENTS are paying her rent!

She is foregoing college to pursue a failing singing career. She sings demo tapes for songwriters. When I hear demo tapes, my first thought is from my favorite Simpsons episode of all time "A Milhouse Divided." Kirk Van Houten, Milhouse's dad, is recently divorced. He is in the midst of romancing a woman named "Starla", when she craftily steals his car and tosses his demo tape out of the window. It is called "Can I Borrow a Feeling?" One of the lyrics is definitely "Can you spare me a glove of love?" Remember when The Simpsons were funny? (nostalgic sigh.) Where was I?

Luckily, Melanie was able to land a chubby aspiring Broadway singer/dancer as a roomate, which must give her confidence a boost now and again. Take it from me: A pic of my co-dweller. Seriously, a fat asian toddler makes you feel like Angelina Jolie even on your worst of days. (Speaking of which, has anyone ever used the headline "Jolie Screen Giant"? You heard it here first.)

Her mother insisted that she live in an area with "a Starbucks within half a block" of her apartment. I'll break that one down for you real easy. "Starbucks within half a block" is code for "No minorities within at least a mile." And if you're wondering why she's so "spoiled" and, yes, "cunty", a reader points out that her mother forbids her from riding the subway, so she takes cabs everywhere. People, I've seen newborn babies roll themselves onto subways. Babies! Strange but fictional!

In case you were wondering what hot beverage to throw in her face if you ever see her, she likes toffee nut lattes. My bitterness will henceforth retire for the remainder of the day.

Just 18 and Singing for Her Starbucks

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