Monday, March 28, 2005

5 Ways to Subtly Tell Your Children You Hate Them

1. Tell them that their favorite pet has cancer (whether it is true or not). Then, when their out at school, surprise them with new bedding courtesy of When they come home, joke that you got it at Bed, Bath and Beyond the Grave, and laugh hysterically.

How does Fido feel against your face, Timmy?

2. Ask your child if they want custom-made sneakers. They will invariably say yes. Then, head on over to, and purchase your little one a pair of custom-made clown sneakers. When they refuse to wear these oversized canoes, throw a fit over the $275 price tag and what you went through to get your kid custom-made clown sneakers. As punishment, order the Big-Toe Hobo shoe and make your kid sleep in it.

Order now and get a complimentary Bea Arthur.

3. Surprise your little ones with a trip to Germany! Then, book a couple of rooms at the Propeller Island City Lodge. While you and your hubby are sleeping cozily, your children will be suspended 15-feet into the air in their very own cage! Or give your kids a taste of their own medicine by letting them sleep in their very own padded cell! There are many not-so-subtle ways to screw up your kid for life at Propeller Island -- make sure to check out all the accommodations.

Hotel, or the set of the sequel to Seven? Let the little ones decide.

4. Travel back in time and appear with your child on the Sally Jesse Raphael show. Assure your daughter that Boot Camp is just a Mommy/Daughter shopping spree, then watch the fireworks over and over and over again on your Beta Max player.

The site of her alone'll will at least blind 'em for a coupla days.

5. Constantly talk about how their real father/mother had hundreds of ponies and a farm made of candy, then offer your kid some sugar-free Jello.

The blue ponies were her favorite.

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