Monday, March 21, 2005

The Devil Is Among Us

And he's moving very, very slowly.

Bryan Dora, owner of the the Satanic-y sounding Dora's A-Dora-ble Pet Shop, says that he's spotted an image of Satan himself on the back of a turtle. But before your get your machetes and torches out, ready to storm your local turtle shoppe (or "Devil's Sanctuary"), you best bring with you a flame-retardant unitard, cause these little guys are packing a lot of heat.

You see, it all started when Dora's A-Dora-ble Pet Shop burst into flames. Sadly, all of the animals perished... except for one. One menacing, conniving turtle... named Lucky.

Lucky was the only turtle to survive the inferno. Mr. Dora, blinded with rage and questioning the existence of God, was delightfully reassured that God was still up to no good when spotting the face of the Devil in Lucky's shell.

It's funny, the more I stare at it, the more I CAN make out the face of Paige Davis.

Not making news this morning is this turtle, named Ducky, in whose belly was spotted a cob of corn.

In related news, Pat O'Brien is in rehab, but still controlling hordes of idiots with his mind. Oh, and Porny Von Pornerstein also has a penchant for debauchery, or so his lascivious voicemails would have you believe/puke all over yourself.

Oh, and if you want to actually hear these Not Safe For Work porny voicemails, go right ahead. I've just added a melon baller to my Amazon wishlist, so one of you lucky folks out there can help me in the quest to gut my inner ears out so that I may never have to hear Smarmy McTittyTwister's voice ever again. (Thanks to Screenhead for all this NSFW action)

Update: Here's a pic of Lucky minus the glare, as well as a pretty hilarious BBC article on the topic, that ends on the sentence: "It is unclear to what extent Lucky's Satanist credentials will enhance his sale value."

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