"Batman Begins" and Ends 9 Hours Later

Here, Katie Holmes' ex-boyfriends line up to see their sweetie's sunken features on the big screen.

Last night, completely maniacal following the 7 buckets of DC (as I insist on calling "Diet Coke") and 14 pounds lighter thanks to the weather, which was hotter than 98 Degrees (The Boy Band), I caught the latest flick Swiffering the nation, Batman Begins. (Patting my own back at the abundance of product placements in that last sentence. Now, tooting my own horn, as it's been ages since I've played.) Following the success of my last movie round-up, I bring you my thoughts:

The reviews had been nearly unanimously raving, and since my choices were between Batman or The Perfect Man, starring Heather Locklear and $.99 plastic vomit, Batman it was.

Or was it? Indeed, this fifth prequel was a real chronological noodle scratcher, taking us alllllll the way back to the "Beginning", when a few bats touched Bruce Wayne in his bathing suit places, leaving him paralyzed in fear whenever the disease-ridden flight-prone death monsters were anywhere in sight (which, as was the case in my childhood, is often to very often). Now, I don't want to give any "spoilers" away, but let's just say he overcomes his fear, and then decides to dress up as his fear. That covers about the first 3 and a half hours.

I must say, I was pretty jazzed about the film from the get go. Christian Bale has the honor of starring in one of my Top 5 movies of all time, Empire of the Sun. I highly encourage those of you anti-psychotic drug users out there boycotting "War of the Worlds" to rent this movie instead. Those of you out there able to break through my autistic demeanor and know me personally know that I happily spout off the end to this movie ad nauseous to anyone willing to listen, as it, along with Terms of Endearment, are the only two movies that I can cry at on command either while watching or recreating them live. And that's why I cry 14 times a day ladies and gentlemen. Simply that, nothing else!


Maybe those NAMBLA guys are onto something...

As Batman, Bale was pretty great. He looked good in his suit, had a watertight intensity, and knitted his brows with aplomb. The one thing that caught me off-guard was his "Batman" voice, which is different from his normal speaking voice in order to conceal his "Secret Identity" (shout out to the 1988 Jerry O'Connell series of the same name.) His "Batman" voice is hiLArious -- so deep and husky and startling, you can't help but laugh. After all, when you boil Christian Bale down to his true essence, he's a froofy little Brih-ish Skoow Boy, a hint of rosacea in his cheeks, some inwardly snarled teeth: i.e. that's what we love about him! His Batman voice is so powerful that even the camera operator shook in fear (the screen literally vibrates when he speaks). Overall, a stell perform.

Then there was Katie Holmes. Check out these screen shots, the first one of her first finding out Batman's true identity:



Here's one of her catching some rays while somebody is off fighting evil:



Then, there's Michelle Trachtenberg, who plays a villain known as "The Scarecrow":



JK! That's clearly Cillian Murphy, an actor better known as the lead in "28 Days Later." Cillian is an old Gaellic name that translates loosely into "Tranny Face." His performance can be best described by a single phrase that I whispered to my friend within 5 minutes of his appearance on screen....

"I just got DOUCHECHILLS."

I also want to point out that his glasses are hand crafted by the same dirty Frenchman who makes the spectacles that rest on my very face, Alain Mikli. i.e. I felt rich for a solid 7 minutes of screentime.

Compared to other superhero flicks, I rate "Batman Begins" somewhere in between "More fun than The Hulk" and "Not as adorably fay as Spiderman 2." Worth a look, especially considering the other trash that's set to his the screens this summer... save for "40 Year-Old Virgin" which looks.... well check out the poster":


You can see the trailer here.