Thursday, September 15, 2005

"And, No, I Did Not Make This Siamese Coat Out Of Cats Either."

Simply brilliant article on the newswire today, with the eye-catching title "Inventor: I Never Used Dead Cats For Fuel". Let's dissect this article para-by-para, yes?
A German inventor said he has developed a method to produce crude oil products from waste that he believes can be an answer to the soaring costs of fuel, but denied a German newspaper story implying he also used dead cats.

Christian Koch, an inventor and patent holder of the "KDV 500" that he said produces high quality fuel, said he can transform waste products such as paper, rubbish and plastic materials into fuel.

But Koch, 55, said there was no truth to stories published in Bild newspaper Tuesday and Wednesday that suggested he used dead cats as part of the mix for his organic diesel fuel.

Christian Koch, in a coat that screams "Who... me??"
"I use paper, plastics, textiles and rubbish," Koch told Reuters.

A concerned neighbor, sifting through Koch's "rubbish".
"It's an alternative fuel that is friendly for the environment. But it's complete nonsense to suggest dead cats. I've never used cats and would never think of that. At most the odd toad may have jumped in."

Nothing to see here.
Bild Tuesday wrote a headline: "German inventor can turn cats into fuel -- for a tank he needs 20 cats." The paper on Wednesday followed up with a story entitled: "Can you really make fuel out of cats?"

"Yes, yes I believe you can."
A spokesman for Bild told Reuters the story was meant to show that cat remains could "in theory" be used to make fuel with Koch's patented method.

Just like how this cat, "in theory", is used as windshield wiper fluid.
The author of the story said Koch had never told him directly that he had used dead cats as the story implied.

The website of Koch's firm, "Alphakat GmbH," says his patented "KDV 500" machine can produce what he calls the "bio-diesel" fuel at about 23 euro cents (30 cents) a liter, which is about one-fifth the price at petrol stations now.

Clever one... Alphakat! Because was already taken.
"I drive my normal diesel-powered car with this mixture," Koch is quoted saying in Bild, next to a large picture of a kitten. (Ed. Note: !!!!!) "I have gone 170,000 km (106,000 miles) without a problem."

Mitzi smiled at the German reporter when her owner was around. It was only later that the reporter noticed a plea scralwed in blood on the bathroom mirror saying "Help Me", only the "e"'s were backwards, as cats are adorably illiterate.

It should be obvious where I stand at this point. This man is to cats what Ike Turner was to Tina: A caring provider.

"What? I didn't try to make gasoline outta that bitch! All she did was steal my name and my image! On second thought, shit, that bitch should fuel my car!"

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