Thursday, September 08, 2005

Best Four Dollars I Ever Spent

I was just perusing the virtual "Liquidation Bins" at, because I'm in the market for a memory foam mattress topper and somehow ended up in the world jewelery section. It's what my doctors call autism.

Anyway so I'm in the "bargain" section, and I come across this DVD with the most amazing description:
Somewhere off the Florida coast is a tropical paradise rumored to hold a priceless treasure -- the fountain of eternal youth! When a boatload of fun loving teenagers set out to find it, the islands millionaire owner is none to pleased and sends his daughter and her bumbling sweetheart Irving to stop them. Little do they know that Irvings evil twin brother Herman is on the way as well, accompanied by his paramour, the seedy Camille Salamender, who seeks the secret of eternal youth herself.

The name of this movie?



Starring Phyllis Diller.

"That's me!"

The Fat Spy Tagline? "It's a killer... a Diller... a blast of laffs!"

Perhaps some of the reviews on IMDB can help explain this masterpiece:

Says one enthused Canadian "It would be impossible to write a spoiler of 'The Fat Spy' because even after watching it twice, I have no idea what it was about.

I found this on DVD at Wal-Mart for $2.00 CDN. "

Says some other guy: "For fans of the genuinely wrong-headed and insane, this movie has some appealing facets." And a plot point: "Later the band, The Wild Ones, treat us to their song "The Turtle". It's the 'slowest dance you'll ever do.'"

Another Canadian: "I kept waiting to see if Phyllis Diller was gonna do anything exciting with her riding crop."

One bitter moviewatcher named Claudia writes: "This mid-Sixties teenage beach "comedy" is about as funny as an ingrown toenail. Jayne Mansfield, not exactly one of your more talented actresses to begin with, turns in an exceptionally bad performance. Moreover, her legendary body is carrying an awful lot of excess baggage at this point in her life.

CLAUDIA'S BOTTOM LINE: Please don't ever ever ever subject yourself this turkey." (Emphasis added although completely unnecessary, as there's no arguing with Ms. Claudia's Bottom Line.)

After reading these reviews, I just went back and ordered 14 more copies so I can watch it Sliver-style in my super's apartment.

p.s. This post was literally more thorough than my college thesis on the Holocaust, I shit you not.

I'll leave you with bean mosaic of the Golden Girls, made by Jason Mecier. Don't let his garish website fool you -- the guy is a motherfuckin genius. You must check it out.

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