Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Holiday Tips "The Gap" Doesn't Want You To Know About

This season, The Gap offers up some Holiday Tips to make this Christmas Extra Special. But underneath the brightly colored knits and denims lay sinister Holiday gift-giving tips the Gap doesn't want you to know about.

I feel it is for the betterment of the American populace to offer to you these uncensored, and sometimes on-point, holiday tips courtesy of "The Gap." Have a good one.

"Not sure about his size? Sneak into his bedroom when he's away at work, and steal his favorite pair of jeans. Then, wear them around your house pretending they're "your boyfriends", while alternately sniffing the crotch/butt-seam. For the holiday, send him a Gap gift card and a picture of your bare hand, with a note that says 'I'm Waiting...'"

"Decorate a bubble bath with your lifeless body slumped over the side, and a note that says 'We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone.' -- Orson Welles."

"Take a relaxing break by stapling a pair of Gap Jeans to your face."

"Tell him you hate Jews. Tuck a copy of 'Mein Kampf' under his pillow."

"Sweep up all of your mates hairs that you've been collecting obsessively over the past 3 years, and spin it into a roughly nubby yarn. Then, spend your lunchbreaks knitting in the toilet. On Christmas, present him with a one-of-a-kind pube-sweater that no man can resist."

"Wake your kids up with a brick through the window with a note wrapped around it that says 'Mom's Dead'."

I won't even go near this one.

"Surprise your woman by waiting for her under the Christmas tree wearing all of her underwear, and paint your face like "Raggedy Ann". Every woman loves a Ginger."

"Take two drills and put them in each of your friend's ears. Then, pull the trigger and laugh maniacally for a snuggly holiday season!"

"Give her a scavenger hunt that ends with a bag of your laundry and a "Buy One, Get One Free" coupon to Quizno's."

"Be part of her journey. Hold on the the underbelly of her car as she drives to her parents' house, then confront her on the lawn as to why she won't return your anonymous e-mails."

"And you thought opening a box of chocolates couldn't get any better. Sweeten the deal by including an invoice, a self-addressed stamped envelope, and a note scrawled in your own blood that says 'I'll never forgive you.'"

"Help locally. Take off your live chinchilla slippers. Unswathe your cashmere bodywrap. Head over to Pret a Manger and eat a $14 salad. Then, put down the antique 14k gold fork that's been in your family for 9 generations, and look a homeless person in the eyes. They'll appreciate that you consider yourself on their same level. Then, tip your Starbucks barrista, and hit your wife."

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