Wednesday, May 10, 2006


(Preface: I have never written a movie review before. I penned this one after seeing Mission Impossible III, and thought it was a really intelligent, different way of looking at the franchise. I submitted this review to the Wall Street Journal, but they declined. I called up some family friends who own Google China, and they told me they didn't have a place for it. I was hurt. I cried. Then I realized, put it on the blog!! Enjoy.)

You guys, remember when Tom Cruise was soooo adorable? Like, I don't care how cray cray he is now -- if TBS is showing Jerry Maguire, I will devote an entire 4 and a half hours of my day (with commercials) to watch it. Because he's winning as shit!

You guys, remember Top Gun? Remember Tom Cruise in that? He was so fucking cute!

You guys, remember when Tom Cruise was apparently photographed by his creepy child molester neighbor??? It's like... Awww!!!

Ok, fine, I know, I know. He's been wearing the same jeans/tee/motorcycle jacket combo on and off screen for the past 5 years. And he has bangs. And he made his wife sign a contract to marry and then put on 40 pounds to make the public believe she was pregnant when in fact she was taking Cheetoh baths in a platinum hot tub and now they have a "baby" together who is clearly going to grow up looking Vietnamese because it was actually adopted and not -- as Tom Cruise would have us, the adoring public believe -- curated in the belly of a former WB star.

Tom Cruise and baby Suri, who will grow up to be a fine Pre-Cog.

I have two words to say to that: What. Evs.

Because here's the thing. The guy is not the most famously shnauzed actor in the world for nothing. He fires a gun with intensity. He smiles with panache. And he runs perfectly upright, a 90 degree angle to the pavement, like the next animal up on the evolutionary chart. Is it possible Tom Cruise is more evolved then us "regular folk", and because we are all so threatened, we instead choose to publicly mock him? Is it possible that a million years from now, man will propose to cyborg by jumping on a couch, pumping his fists in the air, and then body slamming Oprah? I think what I'm saying is: Yes. It is possible.

You can never relive this episode too many times.

Now that I've cleared up any confusion about Tom Cruise, let's move on to the movie, Mission Impossible III, cleverly abbreved to M:i:III, which if you wanted to take it a step further, you could just say "M:i:TH", such as the "M:i:TH" that Tom Cruise has lost his star power. Don't buy into this liberal media b.s.: "M:i:TH" is supes kick-ass.

Don't let his period cramps fool you: He is all man.

And I know there's been a lot of bad press about the film, but let me make this clear: This movie serious-town delivers. I don't give a "Hoot" what else is playing! They can "Stick It" up their "R.V."-Weinstein-hand-job-giving asses! This is the "United (93)" States of America, and I'm not gonna let someone like Matt Drudge or the meeeeedja "Poseidon" Tom Cruise's good name!

This movie is great. Just trust me on this -- it is sosososososososoooo good. I walked out and felt like the huge fattie-mc-fat-guy-wife-abandoner who walked across the entire UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and only lost 100 pounds (out of a possible 420)... I.E. AMAZING-TIME.

Have you ever been to Shanghai? Me neither. But now I don't have to go, because Tom Cruise went for me. Didja ever meet and then almost save the life of "Felicity"? Me neeths -- I owe ya one Tom Cruise! Didja ever dangle Philip Seymour Hoffman out of the belly of a jetliner? Oh, you did? Oh, OK, forget that one then. Didja ever kill a guy? I thought so, you fucking pussy.

Smugging for the camera, as per yoozh.

Look. I know the ticket is $10, and I know you have to deliver 17 Wonton Soups to earn the kinda tips that can buy a movie ticket. But please, I swear to you: This movie is worth all of that furious, near-death peddling. Please, for once, learn to trust someone other than your adopted parents.

I'm looking at you, Suri Cruise.

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