You Will Be Humming It In About 5 Menudos

A visualization.

You'll excuse me for the delay in posting. See, it's been impossible to think like a normal human being this morning, because somehow, someway, from somewhere, I've had the same song stuck in my head all morning. To the point that at times I catch myself singing it under my breath, robotically, and without feeling. Even now, as I jibber-jab with you folks, the melody is unfurling itself in my brain like an old-timey self-playing piano, with a toothless hobo pretending to finger the keys. It's repetetive notes time travelling me back to my "Areola Years", ones I do not remember fondly.

And that song is:

"What If God Was One of Us?" by Joan Osborne.

Now, admittedly, it's a catchy song. And the sentiment is not bad. But I believe it's the last line of the chorus that turns the entire song into the most retarded song ever written.

What if god was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home
Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone
Except for the Pope maybe in Rome.

That's what we in the "biz" call "phoning in the lyric" Joanie. I'll give you five alternate lyrics that would have been 100 times better than that one:

- Grooming his rabbit with a comb.

- Finishing building a huge dome.

- Buying his big front yard a gnome.

- Pimping his ride with lots of chrome.

- Foam foam foam foam foam foam foam foam.

UPDATE: Adrianne writes in to note that the person in charge of writing "What If God Was One of Us?" is none other than mortal deity himself: Prince. Yes. THE Prince.

While I would much rather have to deal with the wrath of Joan Osborne's than the that of the man responsible for the tiny, recorded, baby eskimoan kisses that appear in the soundtrack to every nightmare I've ever had (ever), I am considering rescinding my lyric changing request, because... well... it's Prince.


I mean, even on a fucking Rascal, the guy's got class. And the power to kill me with a twinkle of his comically effeminate moustache.

Update 2: Some dude from the band Hooters wrote it. Not I'm officially more than exhausted by this song.

Side note: Do you think God's rabbits would look like this?


From Angoran Rabbits (via Popbitch.)

Finally, I don't like to talk that much about myself, but I'm pretty proud of this: A newspaper in China wrote an article about me! Read here.


My High School Yearbook Photo.