Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Tuning In To WEDZ

Their wedding song: Wu-Tang's "Gravelpit."

This Sunday, I attended the wedding of a close friend of mine from college. It was a beautiful, heartfelt ceremony at a country club in Massachusettes, and a nice reunion of college friends who came cross-country and overseas to attend the festivities.

Following a post-nuptual cocktail hour, we were ushered into the banquet hall for the dancing/lunching portion of the day. This part of the day also includes the "first dance" for the husband and wife. They did a lovely dance to their chosen song, "Is This Love?" by Bob Marley, the irony of course being that these were two of the whitest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Wedding Song: "Doth Milady's Cup Runneth Over? Methinks Quite." by Earth, Wind & Fire

Nevertheless, it got me to thinking about my favorite wedding related subject: the choosing of the song. It is a topic I have delved into before, in no doubt one of the more sobering blog posts seen in these parts. But this wedding spawned new ideas in the wedding song debate. Groggily seated on a 6 am flight out of Boston yesterday morning, listening to my Ipod on shuffle, I thought of each random song playing on my list in the context of a husband and wife's "first dance." Some examples:

1. "I Sing The Body Electric" - Fame Soundtrack
I sing the body electric
I glory in the glow of rebirth
Creating my own tomorrow
When I shall embody the earth

And I'll serenade Venus
I'll serenade Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

Choosing this as your wedding song tells your guests a few things about you. First, it tells them that you probably have a really disgusting, hippy sex life, one that likely involves spandex and swinging. Secondly, it also speaks volumes about what you and your hubby/wifey do in your free time: Tai Chi with "the locals" (i.e. homeless) in San Francisco, weekend jaunts to your local Rennaissance Festival for some additional role playing, nightly organic market visits for some roll-on patchouli deodorant. The ideal song for making a good 50 percent of your wedding attendees mildly to extremely uncomfortable.

"Celebrate the me yet to come"... shudddddderrrrrr.


2. "Cold As Ice" - M.O.P.
I'd like to welcome motherf***ers
To the back of the mind of Bill
See I'm for real
When deliverin'
These M.O.P. tactics
I'll bury you b*stards
I custom make caskets
The B.G. (told ya nigga)
The Y.G. (soldier nigga)
Even the O.G. (cobra nigga)
Told ya nigga
I may come
With my gun in my hand
To make sure you
Motherf***ers understand

Most of you recognize "Cold As Ice" as the hit Foreigner song. The M.O.P's rap remix of "Cold As Ice" will tell your guest one thing: 6 months tops. But also: We're in love!!


3. "Leningrad" - Billy Joel
Viktor was sent to some Red Army town
Served out his time, became a circus clown
The greatest happiness he'd ever found
Was making Russian children glad
And children lived in Leningrad

The ideal melody for a couple who met during the Cold War. It would also help if the groom was a circus clown named Victor. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, download the song right now. The lyrics are totally re-re, and yet I get goosebumps everytime. See also, Celine Dion, and 88 percent of what's on my playlist.


4. "America" - Neil Diamond

Only want to be free
We huddle close
Hang on to a dream

On the boats and on the planes
Theyre coming to america
Never looking back again
Theyre coming to America

See also, Number 3. Perfect for the gay Mexican marriage, where someone's scoring a Green Card.

"I A-DO-EH!"


5. "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" - Stars

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

Commitment people. This is what the day is all about. Make sure to wipe the blood off your hands on anything BUT your wedding gown. AWKY!


6. "I'm Looking Through You" - The Beatles
I'm looking through you
Where did you go
I thought I knew you
What did I know
You don't look different
But you have changed
I'm looking through you
You're not the same

The ideal melody for the Nicole Kidman/Keith Urban nuptuals. Why? Because she weighs 37 pounds and is transparent and made out of leftover T2 parts.


I could go on (seriously, I have 2,765 songs left), but really don't feel like revealing every single tune on my Ipod, as it would involve the kind of humiliation not seen since the famous "Public Ass Rapings of '79."

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