Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Fat's Entertainment

Just when I think the world has run out of news of the truly insane, a lil' gem pops up that makes the inner fibers of my brain tickle and burn with a whole new excitement.

The world may be at war, Mike Wallace may have been arrested, pregnant wives killed willy nilly, but the TOP STORY on right now is about an 1100 pound man who's lost nearly 380 pounds. I think the only thing "breaking" about this story are the three industrial strength gurneys this guy's layin on! SWOOSH!

But let us delve deeper into the many hidden layers of journalistic flesh: 42 year-old Patrick Deuel of Nebraska entered the hospital at 1,072. He's already lost 372 pounds and is hoping to lose another 450 before bathing suit season.
"I wasn't able to see any light at the end of the tunnel," he said Monday.

He then added "Or my penis or my feet."
A group known as the League of Human Dignity helped arrange for Deuel to be driven to a local livestock scale, where he could be weighed.

Let me get this straight. So the LEAGUE. of HUMAN. DIGNITY. arranged for him to get weighed on a SCALE reserved for LIVESTOCK. I see. Afterwards, the "League" took him to the elephant pit at the Zoo, where they covered him in a white powder and, using a hose and a long-handled broom, cleaned his hard to reach places. They then rolled him over to the "Old Country Buffet", just to see the look on everyone's face, laughed, ate a quick buffet lunch ("None for you, Patrick!"), and got him back to the hospital on time for his 4 p.m. "Are You Still Breathing?" check.

But seriously folks, I've done some research on this League of Human Dignity. According to their website, you can become a Member for only $10, but their only branch is in Nebraska. I'm willing to pay the money for a laminated membership card, I can tell you that.

Anyone want to start a branch with me here in New York City? We could officially change the diapers of crazy homeless subway beggars without getting arrested. And I think also legally murder Sally Jesse Raphael, but I have to double check the League's rules.

Man trying to lose 800 pounds

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