Wednesday, August 04, 2004

An Ode to AFV

I am the first person to readily complain about the poor quality of television programming. Save for a few shows (Amazing Race, Reno 911, Little Britain, and about 10 others), tv has really gone south. The good old days are behind us: wacky 80's sitcom writers have all dropped (dead or out) thanks to raging heroine addictions, and what does that leave us with? Hope and Faith, that's what.

And while I could rant for hours about crappy sit-coms and reality programming , I instead wish to laud one of the best, most enriching (reality) shows on tv: America's Funniest Home Videos.

I tend to catch this show in late night reruns on ABC Family, as Sunday nights are saved for swaddling my hangovers in a cashmere throw and clutching it to my breast. I happened upon it last night, and I swear to you, I spend one straight hour pissing my pants, then changing my pants, an ugly and exhausting cycle.**

**Please Note: If Daisy Fuentes is hosting with that other douche, change the channel. Funny videos cannot make up for the pain of watching dead eyes scan a telemprompter.

SO! I bring this up for a reason, America, to share with you the funniest thing I have ever seen on TV. Now this show was delivering as usual: They had a Karaoke Cat (a small red tabby with blue bandana around his neck who, somehow, was lip synching to "Old Time Rock N' Roll"); 22 Dives in 33 Seconds (22 people slipping on or breaking off diving boards); and a montage of birthday cake fowl-ups, which really, when seen one after another, do the trick.

Then, the Faberge egg. The Hope Diamond of AFV. The creme of the crap.

The camera artfully captures a children's choir singing in a school gym. All of their shining faces are facing forward, singing in unison, except for one girl. Last row, you can't miss her, a heavyset, awkward pre-teen (painful memories, painful memories) is turned to the side, not singing a word. She's wearing a red plaid vest and a mop of curly blonde hair. There she is, looking distant, her body slowly rocking side to side. I watch in anticipation. Is she going to faint? Knock everyone down? I know it's gonna be good.

I was right. As these kids, who undoubtedly tease this poor misfit on a daily basis (trust me), as these kids sing their final note, Red Vest covers her mouth, and proceeds to spew the most glorious fountain of vomit all over her classmates. I mean, this thing was inspiring. Yellow, with a gorgeous arc, streaming through her fingers, she manages to cover almost all of her classmates in barf.

Sadly, the camera cut away, meaning I wasn't able to catch the reaction of said schoolmates, the undoubted chaos and tears following this spew-fountain. But even as I type this, my skull tingles with excitement, and I wish to watch it again and again.

People, if this isn't enough to make you tune in nightly, I have no more to give.

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