Friday, October 08, 2004

Let's Cut to the Chase, Shall We?

No time for small talk.

- Austria can now claim to be the maker of both the World's Largest U.S. Governer and World's Largest Coin. They come in a paltry third when it comes to World's Largest Mass Genocide. Tsk Tsk Austria.

- Scientists have discovered a new Giant Ape species. Wait a minute... That's no ape.. that's my Uncle Morty!

- A zoo in Alaska is building a $250,000 treadmill for a fat, lazy elephant that weighs in at 9,120 pounds. It turns out the elephant just got through a bad break-up. It just sits, eats and waits by the phone.

- People in Singapore vie for the Title: World's Biggest Useless Retard.

- Incubusted: Incubus arrested at airport. I don't really care at all, just wanted to use that title. That or In-Cubustody.

- In a Pulp Fiction like caper, an 11 year old maniac was arrested after threatening her babysitter with a baseball bat, then tossing that aside for a shovel (good move), then a BB Gun (getting warmer), then a machete (bingo!). ALL THINGS FOUND IN HER BACKYARD. Hey babysitter! Next time you want to not get murdered, try not accepting babysitting offers from this family:

- A Pimp Name Generator. Mine is Magic Tickle Collins Silk. I also got President M. Sweetness. Aww.. I'd be an adorable pimp.

- Doctor's in Europe have been given a guide to translating the slang of their British patients who "complain of sore "lugholes" or say they're feeling "jiggered" and can't stop "gipping."" Don't get me started. After my third baby, my lughole killed for days!

- Finally, while I remain yours most non-partisanly, my very partisan friend Chelsea asked me to post this recent Memo out of the White House. Enjoy!

Stay Tuned for Monday, when I'll have loads of angst to dish out, as well as a full report (with pictures) from the CAT SHOW! Sigh.

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