Totally Tubular

So did you hear that Heidi Klum has a new candy out? It's called Heidi's favorite candy. I bought it - cause it's fat free and made with yogurt. Upon reading the fine print, I realized that by "yogurt" she means "apple pectin", and by "candy" she means "petrified model vomit." But for some reason, I couldn't stop eating Heidi's favorite candy -- and now, four hour's later, I'M LITERALLY 14 POUNDS LIGHTER AND FULLLLLL OOOOOFFFF ENERGGGGYYYYYYY!!!! READY TO GO GO GO GO GO ! YAYYYYY GROSS TASTING BUT DELICIOUSLY ADDICTIVE CANDYYYYYYYYYYY!


My doctor says I've never looked better. Thank you Heidi's Favorite Candy.

But seriously folks, I threw it in the garbage. I'm a little short on time (but big on flavah), so I can't get into the many thoughts that ran through my mind while reading the packaging of this fucking horrendous markteing scheme. I think it all can be nicely summed up in this IM convo with my friend Atara:

Atara: you hear?
Atara: the pope's gonna be a feedng tube
Atara: it's the in thing to do
Mich: haha i know
Mich: soon we'll have
Mich: Heidi Klum's Favorite Feeding Tubes
Mich: From Germany

And scene.