Sometimes the World Only Looks Perfect

You can't fake that kind of enthusiasm, folks.

Well, I'm glad to report that another dream of mine has been crushed by VH1's "Celebreality" line-up: Bronson Pinchot is not, in fact, the man for me. Whereas once his limber jocularity and lollygagging would have me in stitches, dreaming of a wedding chock full of prat falls and mistaken identities, last night's premiere of "The Surreal Life 3" had me locking my unborn children in their womb and throwing away the will to live.

No one was more excited about this show than me. After my mental fling with Peter Brady last season, I really thought Bronson was going to bring it up the rear, so to speak, by being as charming and odd as he was when he played a fictional character from a fictional country who lived with his cousin who wrote for a fictional paper. Boy was I wrong.

THIS Bronson was not the Bronson I knew. Older, bigger, scuzzier, and surprisingly single, within the first minute of setting foot in the house, he began speculating as to which of the former plasticene models he was going to hook up with. Little did Balki know that he would be facing some pretty stiff manmeat competition in the form of this man:

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer.

I'm kidding, of course. In fact, the Surreal Life household would be inhabited by none other than Jose Canseco, convicted wife and substance abuser.

Jose, telling evolution how he really feels.

Jose rooooollls in wearing skin tight, circa-1987 stone-washed jeans, that really emphasize his lack of a 23rd chromosome. As you can imagine, plasticene models go coke-head cray cray for him, because hey -- LL Cool J. (Ladies Love Cool Jose.) Am I right? Ladies? Am I right?

I know how this must look.

You know what they say about a man with a protruding brow-bone, dontcha? Nothing makes him happier than hitting a woman.

Back to Bronson, this motherfucker at one point begins seriously groping Janice "Chick-with-a" Dickerson, putting his arms around her and making a number of unwelcome physical passes. Clearly, Mr. Mepos forgot who he was fucking with, because bitch flew OFF. THE. HANDLE. As crazy as you think this woman is, it is waaaaaay beyond any of that. Balki, in the meantime, just hung back, trying hard not to whip out Litte Mr. Sheepherder. Sigh -- such a shame. Also, did you know that he grew up on welfare and only had one pair of pants? Recipe for sexual predator, people.

And hello?? Looks like SOMEONE is more ACCOMPLISHED to be a castmember on CELEBRITY FIT CLUB 2! You know what I'm sayin! (ps Love the fit club.) (Also, left, Andy Dick being my favorite person alive.)

In fact, the entire cast was annoying and uncomfortable to watch, save Pepa, who is AMAZING. Oh, and they have a three legged dog. Sigh. I really hate this show. Stay tuned for another recap next week after I force myself to watch it.

pee. ass. Birthday party round-up with pics coming soon!