Monday, July 25, 2005

Toxic Schlock Syndrome

Just heard on a Fox 5 News promo here in New York, read in your most rambunctious newsanchor voice:

Did tampons cause this woman to lose her hands and legs?

(Ed: Cut to a woman with half-hands wrapped in bandages and prosthetic legs.)

Find out tomorrow at 5:30.

Hmm. Um... ok. (blink, blink) You see, I don’t know if I can wait until tomorrow at 5:30 to find out whether or not tampons made that woman lose her hands and/or legs. Better yet, my linens don’t know if they can wait until tomorrow at 5:30. And what of my horseback riding lesson penciled in for 2:30 tomorrow? Surely, my steed cannot wait until tomorrow at 5:30 to find out. And I don't want to keep Hugh Hoofner waiting, ladies and gentlemen.

Also, are they referring to inserting tampons in your vag, or smoking them? Because really, when it comes to my hands-slash-feet, details matter.

These people need to know the facts, Fox 5 News.

So I did a little research tonight. And here's what I found: TAMPONS CAN CAUSE LOSS OF LIMBS. Thanks to the very rare and very well publicized disease known as Toxic Shock Syndrome. Uh, 6th grade health class called, and it wants its textbook back. Let me tell you something, F5N: If the price I have to pay for not bleeding through my pants is the loss of an appendage, well that's a risk I'm willing to take. After all, I can always fashion a prosthetic limb out of said cotton plugs...

...kind of like Edward Tampaxhands.

Either that, or recreate an ancient wonder of the world using tampons and my hooks-for-hands, not unlike this genius creation:


So thank you, Fox 5 News, for alerting me to this problem that I cannot avoid. Maybe shoving some tube socks up there would do the trick, who knows? I expect to find out other thrifty alternatives tomorrow evening at, you guessed it, 5:30.

Now, off to get some shut eye.

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