Wednesday, August 17, 2005

You've Been So Patient...

And I love ya for it!

I was in Florida this weekend, "relaxing" in my usual style by outlet/Marshall's hopping (although this time around I tried to limit my spending to the necessities, like new Teva flip-flops -- the best, Jerry, the best -- and large sweaters with picture of babies on them).

Found at TJ Maxx for the cool price of slaying my first born. A steal!

I also did my fair share of eating this weekend, including my favorite resty in Miami, Versailles, an authentic Cuban eatery where I once had the honor of shaking Bob Dole's left hand. (Long albeit amazing story) There, my mother ordered a "Ham Hock", which to my surprise arrived as an entire pig leg, hoof, skin and all. Seriously, the stink from this thing no doubt wafted over to the grave of my kosher grandparents, a stink so powerful it brought them back to life for one quick, delicious, traif moment. (That one goes out to the Jews in the house.)

My mother also insists on speaking the language of the origin country no matter what restaurant we go to. At Versailles, I was subjected to hearing her shout at the busbot* "Excuse me, may we have some more PAN?" She then turns to me, "Pan means bread."

*Began as a spelling error, but really, they are usually busbots, and not really boys, am I right?

Where the fatty magic happens. Castro is a genius in the kitchen.

My mom has convinced herself that she speaks roughly 415 world languages. At one point this weekend, we were checking out some on demand features. One movie that caught her eye was called Rosenstrasse, which came in two television formats. "Oh what's that? (rolled R) Roooo-zhen-SHTRAAAH-seh Vid-eh-SHCREE --" "MOM, IT SAYS WIDESCREEN. Not Vid-eh-SHCREE, widescreen!" I shouted.

A few years ago, my mother raved about a bakery on Biscayne Boulevard called La Boulangerie (bakery in French.) "Uch, Michelle, you HAVE to go there! LA Boo-LONGE-eh-REE! (rolled R, obvs.) The best stuff! Paninis, cookies, you name it! LA Boo-LONGE-eh-REE!!" I couldn't take it anymore. I HAD to find out what was SO delicious about this far off bakery known as LA Boo-LONGE-eh-REE. My car pulls up in the driveway, and I read the name of the restaurant -- LA BAGUETTE. THE FUCKING PLACE WAS NAMED. LA. BAGUETTE. So much for worldliness in Miami.

Breathe, Michelle. Breathe. Their paninis were delicious.

Julia Child waives an Air France jet down the tarmac, circa 1965.

Anyway, I was reading today about a nun who is protesting the filming of the "Da Vinci Code" starring Tom Hanks (for the memories). In it, the Sister says "When I face Almighty God, at my final judgment, as we all will, I can say, I did try my best to protest."

Read it again, I'll wait.

Ok, here's my take. If following what I hope is a long and fulfilling life of blogging, I meet with the almighty God, and he drops the Da Vinci Code bomb on me at my final judgment, I’m just going to stare at him, maybe blink a few times. Then I'll slowly rise from my knees, while staring, brush the sweet smelling dirt from heaven's floor off my pants, turn around, and walk away. As I walk, I’m going to stop, turn around again to look at him, look down, look at him again, then slowly begin taking the long and lonely staircase down to Hell. I mean, come on God, I would hope you’d take more offense to “Bosom Buddies”, or at the very least “Splash 2”, than this movie. Or at least bring up my affinity for 12-year old Thai boys than my NOT having protested the Da Vinci Code.

Now for some small notes:

I'll be doing stand-up tonight at Otto's Shrunken Head at around 9 pm, along with Becky Yamamoto, Rachel Kramer Bussel, and Michael Cyril Creighton. It's on 14th Street between A and B. and will be SO fun. The theme is FOOD ISSUES, which is like saying to me - you have 10 minutes and your topic is The Holocaust. Go.

Also, Friday night at 8:15, I'll be doing my FAVE THING ON EARTH which is chatting up the lovely Derek and Romaine on Sirius Satellite Radio Channel 149. I love those bitches beyond, esp. when there's Bacardi Limon in the vicin.

And don't forget to buy tickets to next month's Rejection Show!

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