Instant Messaging From Beyond

What follows is an IM messaging session between me and my dead Aunt Ethel.

Michelle: Hi Aunt Ethel! How are you?
Aunt Ethel: Dead. And you?
Michelle: Good, good thanks. What’s new?
Aunt Ethel: Not much, dear. How is work going?
Michelle: Ah, little of this, little of that.
Aunt Ethel: Have you been eating? Every time I hover over you, you’re nothing but skin and bones.
Michelle: (sung) Look who’s talking, John Travolta style Auntie.
Aunt Ethel: Sweetheart, I’m dead. You have another 32 years to go, you want to look your best!
Michelle: Only 32 years? Who told you --
Aunt Ethel: I mean --
Michelle: that?
Aunt Ethel: No one. Nothing. Stop asking me so many questions! Your Aunt Ethel is cold and rotting.
Michelle: Aunt Ethel?
Aunt Ethel: It’s so… so chilly down here. I’m sorry, it’s hard for me to concentrate.
Michelle: It’s ok. So did I tell you that I pierced the webbing between my toes?
Aunt Ethel: ROIMG!
Michelle: ??
Aunt Ethel: Rolling over in my grave!!
Michelle: Oh haha
Aunt Ethel: One second.
(5 minutes pass)
Michelle: Hello?
AWAY MESSAGE Aunt Ethel:
You’ll have to excuse me, I’m a little bit dead right now.
(2 minutes later)
Aunt Ethel: Dear?
Michelle: Hi!! I really got worried for a sec!! Are you ok?
Aunt Ethel:<------- NOT ALIVE
Michelle: haha
Aunt Ethel: LOS!
Michelle: ?
Aunt Ethel: Laughing Out Shroud!
Michelle: That one wasn’t funny.
Aunt Ethel: No, it is! It was a Jewish funeral. I was buried in a shroud!
Michelle:…..
Aunt Ethel: Maybe we should end this whole made-up conversation then, eh Collins?
Michelle: Yeah, I think this joke has been… buried! Into the ground! LOQ! (Laughing out quietly -- I’m at work!)... Sometimes I wish sweet sweet death upon myself Aunt Ethel.
Aunt Ethel: LOS! We should take this on the road!!
Michelle: OK!

And my new touring act was born:


Me, Aunt Ethel, and our masseuse, Tony.

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ALSO...MARK YOUR CALENDARS:

Some upcoming shows:

Weds., August 17th, Brutal Honesty
Hosted by me dear friend Becky Yamamoto
Ottos Shrunken Head, 538 E 14th St btwn 1st and 2nd
According to Becky, "9ish"
FREE!!

THEN

September 13th, 8 p.m.

REJECTION SHOW
with newly minted "Uncle" Jon Friedman
Performance Space 122
150 1st Avenue at 9th St.

I'll be telling a tale of Rejection (where to begin?) along with:

JACKIE "THE JOKEMAN" MARTLING
(Jokeland.com, formerly from Howard Stern)

BILL PLYMPTON
(plymptoons.com, Oscar nominated animator)

and

DAVID SIPRESS
(cartoonist, The New Yorker)

and more fun rejection surprises!

TICKETS AVAILABLE VIA THEATERMANIA.COM (soon!)
or call or visit the P.S. 122 box office at (212) 477-5288
$7

Also, check out my friend Michael Cyril Creighton in:

GRANDMOTHERF**KER & THE SEDUCERS
The New York International Fringe Festival
fringeNYC ACE OF CLUBS
9 GREAT JONES STREET (east 3rd street)
between broadway and lafayette (4th ave)
All tickets: $15. For tickets visit


Jeremy Piven says "Yay for plugs!"

Oh I so went there.