Thursday, June 30, 2005

I Need Your Opinion

First of all, the Today Show delivered a big laugh this morning during their segment dealing with playground safety. Their expert, when discussing the "Do's and Don'ts" of the Playground (more like "Doo's and Don'ts", if you were me on the playground), cautioning parents against using bicycle helmets on their children. You see, apparently a number of children are sent to the hospital each year after their HELMETS got stuck inside of SLIDES.

Oh. Ha. Hahaha.

I don't know who this little girl is, but I take back all those nasty things I ever said about children: How could that face be a blood-sucking, leeching, whiny bag of puke?

On a related note: Check out "Children's Fantasy Hats". Thankfully, they carry my childhoot fantasy hat: Steven Van Zandt.

Also, best baby costume evs???? OBVS!!!!

Courtesy of B. Yamamoto, one hilarious bitch.


My fallopian tubes are drunk dialing possible baby makers as we speak. Oh wait. Okay, no that's me doing that.

Okay people. Focus. I have a very important question:

Have any of you been to Asbury Park, NJ recently? Some friends and I were thinking of heading out there Saturday to partake in beach/holiday activities, but then someone at work told me it's kind of gross.... is that true? New Yorkers, where's a nice, convenient place to take the train too this weekend for a little beach and a cute boardwalk? I'm not talking carnival, funnel cakes here -- that shit really freaks me out.

Lemme know in the comments section!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

"Batman Begins" and Ends 9 Hours Later

Here, Katie Holmes' ex-boyfriends line up to see their sweetie's sunken features on the big screen.

Last night, completely maniacal following the 7 buckets of DC (as I insist on calling "Diet Coke") and 14 pounds lighter thanks to the weather, which was hotter than 98 Degrees (The Boy Band), I caught the latest flick Swiffering the nation, Batman Begins. (Patting my own back at the abundance of product placements in that last sentence. Now, tooting my own horn, as it's been ages since I've played.) Following the success of my last movie round-up, I bring you my thoughts:

The reviews had been nearly unanimously raving, and since my choices were between Batman or The Perfect Man, starring Heather Locklear and $.99 plastic vomit, Batman it was.

Or was it? Indeed, this fifth prequel was a real chronological noodle scratcher, taking us alllllll the way back to the "Beginning", when a few bats touched Bruce Wayne in his bathing suit places, leaving him paralyzed in fear whenever the disease-ridden flight-prone death monsters were anywhere in sight (which, as was the case in my childhood, is often to very often). Now, I don't want to give any "spoilers" away, but let's just say he overcomes his fear, and then decides to dress up as his fear. That covers about the first 3 and a half hours.

I must say, I was pretty jazzed about the film from the get go. Christian Bale has the honor of starring in one of my Top 5 movies of all time, Empire of the Sun. I highly encourage those of you anti-psychotic drug users out there boycotting "War of the Worlds" to rent this movie instead. Those of you out there able to break through my autistic demeanor and know me personally know that I happily spout off the end to this movie ad nauseous to anyone willing to listen, as it, along with Terms of Endearment, are the only two movies that I can cry at on command either while watching or recreating them live. And that's why I cry 14 times a day ladies and gentlemen. Simply that, nothing else!

Maybe those NAMBLA guys are onto something...

As Batman, Bale was pretty great. He looked good in his suit, had a watertight intensity, and knitted his brows with aplomb. The one thing that caught me off-guard was his "Batman" voice, which is different from his normal speaking voice in order to conceal his "Secret Identity" (shout out to the 1988 Jerry O'Connell series of the same name.) His "Batman" voice is hiLArious -- so deep and husky and startling, you can't help but laugh. After all, when you boil Christian Bale down to his true essence, he's a froofy little Brih-ish Skoow Boy, a hint of rosacea in his cheeks, some inwardly snarled teeth: i.e. that's what we love about him! His Batman voice is so powerful that even the camera operator shook in fear (the screen literally vibrates when he speaks). Overall, a stell perform.

Then there was Katie Holmes. Check out these screen shots, the first one of her first finding out Batman's true identity:

Here's one of her catching some rays while somebody is off fighting evil:

Then, there's Michelle Trachtenberg, who plays a villain known as "The Scarecrow":

JK! That's clearly Cillian Murphy, an actor better known as the lead in "28 Days Later." Cillian is an old Gaellic name that translates loosely into "Tranny Face." His performance can be best described by a single phrase that I whispered to my friend within 5 minutes of his appearance on screen....

"I just got DOUCHECHILLS."

I also want to point out that his glasses are hand crafted by the same dirty Frenchman who makes the spectacles that rest on my very face, Alain Mikli. i.e. I felt rich for a solid 7 minutes of screentime.

Compared to other superhero flicks, I rate "Batman Begins" somewhere in between "More fun than The Hulk" and "Not as adorably fay as Spiderman 2." Worth a look, especially considering the other trash that's set to his the screens this summer... save for "40 Year-Old Virgin" which looks.... well check out the poster":

You can see the trailer here.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Monday, June 27, 2005

Urine My Heart, Urine My Soul

Note the "Scientific Black Light", which differs in nearly every way from what I used to call it "The Stoners Glowy Wand Thingy."

Hot on the heels of what I considered the funniest infomercial of all time, The Deion Sanders Hot Dog Express, (where Deion slips a "Warn n' Ready Smoky" in when you're not looking, and the next thing you know you're pregnant with half-human, half-processed-horse-meat babies), another infomercial that's been making the rounds has entered the realm of my subconscience in a most unwelcome manner.

That infomercial would be for a product called "Urine Gone", a spray that promises to remove excess, pesky urine from the confines of your home or in your car. It promises to "get rid of urine stains and odors caused by cats and dogs." No word yet on whether the product works on household urine stains caused by my drunk, philandering Uncle Tommy.

So why all the fuss? Seems like a good product, right? Well, my main issue with the commercial is a single line that never stops from grossing me out: The voiceover guy (a genius, no doubt) describes the "science" behind Urine Gone. The formula, you see, is made up of (pause for chills) "ENZYMES HUNGRY FOR UUUUUURINE." Uch. Literally every time I drink some water, eat a meal, or go to the bathroom (i.e. every waking minute of the day), that phrase cannot help but cross my mind. "ENZYMES HUNGRY FOR UUUUUURINE."

On a lighter note, the product also comes with a handy portable black light to detect urine around the house. It also comes in handy when you want to stage a Dateline-esque Semen Study of your local Motel 6. Here's a hint to the concloozh: THE ROOM WILL BE A-GLOW.

After doing a little more anti-urine research, I found out that Urine Gone is not alone in the pee-stain-removal industry: "Urine-Off" is riding hot on the piss-soaked heels of our above competitor. I think "Urine-Off" might have the advantage too: Check out how adorable their customers are!!!!

Classy background color, guys. Real classy.


Two other commercials I feel necessary to hate on:

Here, me, demonstrating the proper way to injest sweet, sweet apple juice.***

The Mott's Apple Juice Commercial (no relation to the above product), where a little girl is sitting next to a huge bottle of it, and exclaims "I just wanna chug the whole thing!" 1. Chug is not a word children under the age of 16 should ever use. 2. This commercial doesn't help my theory that apple juice is addictive to children and adults alike. You offer me one sweet sip, and 3 hours later I'm tightening a rubber cord around my arm with my teeth and injecting the sweet horse directly into my bloodstream.


Joiiiiiin Ussssssssss.

The Botox Ad. When I first saw it, I noticed something. Before I knew what product they were schilling, the women in the ad looked insane. Like robots from a Spielberg movie. It's weird to see a woman with grey hair try to smile while not splitting the seams hidden under her hairline. How I wish the voiceover would tout this "New and Improved Botchulism!!" Alas, a dream.

Finally, a testimonial of this new product, the can on the lower left: "I don't think it works on humans -- make that "for cats" tag line a little bigger fellas!" -- My Burning Urethra. JKJKJK... eeeeeeee (collar pull).

***That is not, in fact, a pic of me snorting coke. Rather, I am pretending to snort up the delicious leftover powdered sugar from a binet in New Orleans. Just in case any prospective employers are reading the site. :)

Friday, June 24, 2005

Cruise UnControllable

Did you guys catch Tom Cruise on the Today Show this morning? I did. It was va-gynius. Watching Tom Cruise blabber on and on about the ills of medicine was mesmerizing. I'm a Matt Lauer fan, and I thought he handled himself smartly and gentlemanly. As far as Tom's movie goes, it's clearly gonna tank.

Here's the transcript of the segment (taken via Drudge), along with some visual annotations by yours truly.
CRUISE 'WAR OF WORLDS' INTERVIEW TURNS INTO SHOWDOWN ON PSYCHIATRY, SCIENTOLOGYNBC 'TODAY SHOW' host Matt Lauer was lectured by star Tom Cruise on the dangers of psychiatry and antidepressant during a promotional interview for WAR OF THE WORLDS.The exchange aired Friday morning.


CRUISE: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And when i started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more why I didn't believe in psychology.

And as far as the Brooke Shields thing is, look. You gotta understand, I really care about Brooke Shields. I-- I think here's a-- a-- a wonderful and talented woman. And-- I wanna see her do well. And I know that-- psychiatry is-- is a pseudo science.

MATT LAUER: But-- but Tom, if she said that this particular thing helped her feel better, whether it was the antidepressant or going to a counselor or psychiatrist, isn't that enough?

TOM CRUISE: Matt, you have to understand this. Here we are today where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people, okay, against their will, of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs. Do you know what Aderol is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?

MATT LAUER: The difference is-- (OVERTALK)

TOM CRUISE: No, no, Matt.

MATT LAUER: This wasn't against her will, though.

TOM CRUISE: Matt-- Matt, Matt, Matt--

MATT LAUER: But this wasn't against her will.

TOM CRUISE: Matt, I'm-- Matt, I'm asking you a question.

MATT LAUER: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.

TOM CRUISE: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.

MATT LAUER: Aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?

TOM CRUISE: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance. (OVERTALK)

MATT LAUER: So, postpartum depression to you is--


MATT LAUER: --kind of a--

TOM CRUISE: --don't--

MATT LAUER: --little psychological gook--


MATT LAUER: --googley-gook?

TOM CRUISE: --no. No. I did not say that.

MATT LAUER: I'm just asking what you-- what would you call it?

TOM CRUISE: No. No. Abs-- Matt, that is-- the-- post-- now-- now, you're talking about two different things.

MATT LAUER: But that's what she went on the--


MATT LAUER: --antidepressant for.

TOM CRUISE: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways of vitamins and through exercise and various things. I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what-- what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, anti-psychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world.

The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She-- she doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.

MATT LAUER: But a little bit what you're saying Tom is, you say you want people to do well. But you want them do to well by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for them.

TOM CRUISE: No, no, I'm not.

MATT LAUER: Well, if antidepressants work for Brooke Shields, why isn't that okay?

TOM CRUISE: I-- I disagree with it. And I think that there's a higher and better quality of life. And I think that promoting for me personally, see, you're saying what, I can't discuss what I wanna discuss?

MATT LAUER: No. You absolutely can.

TOM CRUISE: I know. But-- but Matt, you're going in and saying that-- that I can't discuss this.

MATT LAUER: I'm only asking, isn't there a possibility that-- do-- do you examine the possibility that these things do work for some people? That yes, there are abuses. And yes, maybe they've gone too far in certain areas. Maybe there are too many kids on Ritalin. Maybe electric shock--

TOM CRUISE: Too many kids on Ritalin? Matt.

MATT LAUER: I'm just saying. But-- but aren't there--


MATT LAUER: --examples where it works?

TOM CRUISE: Matt. Matt, Matt, you don't even-- you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That's what I've done. Then you go and you say where's-- where's the medical test? Where's the blood test that says how much Ritalin you're supposed to get?

MATT LAUER: You're-- you're-- it's very impressive to listen to you. Because clearly, you've done the homework. And-- and you know the subject.

TOM CRUISE: And you should.

MATT LAUER: And-- and--

TOM CRUISE: And you should do that also.


TOM CRUISE: Because just knowing people who are on Ritalin isn't enough. You should be a little bit more responsible in knowing really--

MATT LAUER: I'm not prescribing Ritalin, Tom. And I'm not asking--


MATT LAUER: --anyone else to do it. I'm simply saying-- (OVERTALK)

TOM CRUISE: Well, you are. You're saying--

MATT LAUER: I know some people who seem to have been helped by it.

TOM CRUISE: I-- but you're saying-- but you-- like-- this is a very important issue.

MATT LAUER: I couldn't agree more.

TOM CRUISE: It's very-- and you know what? You're here on the Today Show.


TOM CRUISE: And to talk about it in a way of saying, "Well, isn't it okay," and being reasonable about it when you don't know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit more responsible in knowing what it is.


TOM CRUISE: Because you-- you communicate to people.

MATT LAUER: But you're now telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences.

TOM CRUISE: What do you mean by that?

MATT LAUER: You're telling me what's worked for people I know or hasn't worked for people I know. I'm telling you i've lived with these people and they're better.

TOM CRUISE: So, you're-- you're advocating it.

MATT LAUER: I am not. I'm telling you in their case--


MATT LAUER: In their individual case, it worked. I am not gonna go out and say--


MATT LAUER: --"Get your kids on Ritalin. It's the cure-all--

TOM CRUISE: Matt, Matt.

MATT LAUER: --and the end-all."

TOM CRUISE: Matt, but here's the point. What is the ideal scene for life. Okay. Ideal scene is someone not having to take anti-psychotic drugs.

MATT LAUER: I would agree.

TOM CRUISE: Okay. So, now you look at-- and you go okay. A-- a departure from that ideal scene is someone taking drugs, okay. And then you go, okay. What is the theory and the science behind that, that justifies that?

MATT LAUER: Let me take this more general, 'cause I think you and I can go around in circles on this for awhile. And i respect your opinion ...

Do you want more people to understand Scientology? Is that-- would that be a goal of yours?

TOM CRUISE: You know what? I-- absolutely. Of course, you know. And people--

MATT LAUER: How do you go about that?

TOM CRUISE: You just communicate about it. And the important thing is, like you and I talk about it, whether it's -- okay, if I wanna know something, I go and find out. Because I don't talk about things that I don't understand. I'll say, you know what? I'm not so sure about that. I'll go find more information about it so I can-- I can come to an opinion based on-- on the information that I have.

MATT LAUER: You -- you're so passionate about it. And I'm--

TOM CRUISE: I'm passionate about learning. I'm passionate about life, Matt.


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