Wednesday, December 27, 2006

One of My Typical Emotional Journeys via IM

It's been many a-moon since we've checked in with my old friend Mike. The good news? We're just as re-re as ever.

Michelle: MIKE! HI!!
Mike: Hello my sweet
Michelle: Are you in NY?
Mike: Tomorrow night. Then i'm all yours
Michelle: i cant wait to cradle you! I'll be playing this on my mouthharp upon your arrival:

Mike: why are all classical music stars busted? Kiri Ti Kanewa, Yevgeny Kissin
Michelle: Uh, Perlman has polio.
Mike: Stop. You're lying.
Michelle: You're kidding.
Mike: No!
Michelle: Michael. You didn't know Itzhak Perlman walked around on polio crutches?

Mike: Those braces do nothing for his legs.

You have blocked Michael. You can no longer see each other online or chat together.

(One minute later.)

You have unblocked Michael.

Mike: ;(
Michelle: So... hey, I got contacts. I took a pic wanna see?
Mike: Yes

Mike: omg! You got braces!
Michelle: hahahahahah
I'm literally crying laughing

Michelle: Wait. Is it funny that its called the cry of the cat? Or that they develop to be severely mentally retarded?
Mike: BABIES MEOW LIKE KITTENS. If that's not so cute, I don't know what is.

My bad I meant to send this:

Mike: My heart just exploded.
Michelle: No no seriously my bad:

Mike: I need more
Michelle: OK, Mike, this might be the best one:


The foot! Haha!

(A minute later.)

Michelle: oh my god.
Oh no. It’s from a website about handicapped animals….
Oh No. Read this:
I have a handicapped cat named Fripple. As a kitten in a barn he was shaken by a dog and sustained back injuries. My daughter took him from the barn and brought him home. He walks flat footed in the back and has no bladder and bowel control. He wears a diaper and is a happy little guy.

Fripple also had a huge sore on his heel that took a year to heal because of the way he walked on it. I tried many many many contraptions and bandages and finally I took a baby shoe and put a gel cushion inside and of course his foot was bandaged and he wears the shoe and will continue to wear the shoe his whole life because if he doesn't he tears his foot open again.

He's happy and very very VERY loved by the whole family. I have never seen a cat like this one he lies in my lap at diaper changing time and purrs and never moves while his foot is tended just gives me those goo goo eyes while purring. He also never tries to take anything off. He's my special gift. I thank God for this little guy every day.

Michelle: Sorry… I have to go cry for a million years.

To read a lifetimes worth of sob stories, friends, check out Handicapped Pets. Didn't think it would end on such a downer did it? Such an adorable, diaper clad downer.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

These Are the Things...

...that I find at 4:37 in the morning when I can't sleep. Suffice it to say, my dreams tonight will star non other than Lou Hilario (no relation to Hilario Dawson... or is there?) Yes, it's 9 minutes long, but trust me, the end has gems, the end... sparkles. (You can stop watching around 7:40)

How did I find it, you ask? Youtube search of "ventriloquism" obviously.

Oh I also just saw the loose skin of a man who lost 800 pounds on Inside Edition and wait, do I have Prader-Willi disease? Sighhhhh. Why am I spooning a 6 foot long sub right now?

Hey, also also? If you're in New York December 30, I'll be performing at a special New Year's Eve Eve Show at Mo Pitkins. It's the Shark Show, it's at 8, it's free, and it's really fun.

Now it's 4:42. OK beddy-bye for rizzzzz.

Do you guys have any idea how hilarious that is at 4:48 am? Answer: Very.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The Other Talent Show, And Some Inties!

The above picture is my current laptop wallpaper, psyche-FYI.


1. Jon Friedman and I are bringing the Other Talent Show back this Monday, December 11 at Mo Pitkins! The info:
Other Talent Show
Monday, Dec 11, 2006 8:30 PM EST (8:00 PM Doors)
at Mo Pitkin's 34 Avenue A btwn 2nd and 3rd St.

Jon Friedman & Michelle Collins - THE OTHER TALENT SHOW - The Other Talent Show is a gathering of comedians, writers, and other artistic types performing their hidden or "other" talents. Comedians singing, musicians doing comedy, writers juggling, and many more crazy hidden gem talents!

The lineup is amaaazing.


2. I was interviewed by the hilarious and chivalrous Baron Vaughn for hot comedy website The Apiary. If you ever wondered what my childhood was like, or want to see some really old flattering pics of me, you will want to CLICK HERE.

3. Also, I had the unbelievable opportunity to interview Parker Posey for one of my favorite magazines, Bust. The interview isn't online, but you can pick it up in your local bookstore. You will not be sorry!

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