Thursday, November 30, 2006

Dog On Motorcycle That Blinks

This is by far the best e-mail attachment to ever arrive in my inbox.

Sometimes, I really miss the good ol' days here. (With MUCH thanks to Helen in Virginia!)

Monday, November 13, 2006

Define Yourself

Last night I was directed to a new website called Hetemeel, which offered a feature allowing one to define something anyway they wished, and include a picture. (The site appears to be down right now...) It's fun for about 2 minutes, when it officially gets old. Which is right about the time I discovered the best feature of the program: The website made it possible to view other people's definitions. Not realizing the platter of hilarity just served to me, I clicked on a random one. This was what I found:

Well, it seems that Chelsea holds herself in quite the high regard, doesn't it? Also, for those curious about, it appears to be a site that doles out awards to cars that have come back from the future.

I was intrigued. Here it was, a way for humans to define themselves in a single blurb! I clicked on yet another entry:

Awesome! A wiccan sex writer who hearts vampired and Marvin Gaye! This is the most fun I've ever had... even more fun than when I learned how to tie nautical knots.

Many clicks later, and I noticed some trends. The most popular one being defining some sort of dirty or demeaning word (i.e. Dickface), and then plugging in someone's name and pic as part of that definition. It started out funny enough:

But then grew tiring:

Then there were those people who clearly didn't realize their definition would be available to the public. Take these characters, Henny Youngman:

The above blurb also defines the meaning of "I feel disturbed and uncomfortable." What about this cooz:

Nice glamour shot, Sar. I particularly enjoy the dichotomy of this girl: She'll leave you in a second, but when you're with her, be sensitive and caring. She's not Fisher Price, so don't kick her down the stairs, gentlemen. This girl looks like someone I could be friends with:

My friends used to call me Jazzy too! Well, before the accident (Momma says my legs will work again soon enough.) I also caught wind of Burger King's new spokesman:

Finally, I'm taking this dude on just because it amazes me that someone who is so clearly clinically insane also knows how to use semi-complicated programs on the internet:

Though, to his credit, the Alligator Fuckhouse is

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Conversations with Mom: Election Edition

For all 4 of you still with me: Hello. These past few months have been completely insane, and I apologize to those of you who felt abandoned. But I'm happy to say that I now believe I can balance both blogging at Best Week Ever and here -- so please, take me back!

To inaugurate the rebirth of the blog, I'd like to share with you one of the hundreds of humorous conversations I've had with my mother. This one took place last night, Election Night (yay Democrats!).

Me: I'm so glad Santorum lost.
Mother: Why?
Me: Well... because it means something kind of gross.
Mother: What?
Me: (Regretting opening my mouth) This sex columnist Dan Savage hated Santorum so much that he started calling something really disgusting "Santorum", and now every time I hear his name I think of it.
Mother: What? What does it mean?
Me: I can't tell you.
Mother: Come on! What does it mean??? Umm... Scrotum? Does it mean Scrotum?
Me: Mom! No!
Mother: You can't dangle this in front of me like that! (Direct quote.)
Me: It's something that happens when men have gay sex.
Mother: Oh! Dirty Sanchez?
Me: Uch... no. (She keeps harping.) It's something that comes out of a man's ass after gay sex.
Mother: Umumum... Doody?? Does it mean doody?
Me: Doody and... something else. Gay sex.
Mother: (pause.) How could you tell me that?
Me: But I warned you!
Mother: No, you're right. I pushed for it.

For an entire website donated to this definition (mind you, the first hit on Google when searching for his name), visit Spreading Santorum. And courtesy of My First Fan(c) Atara, Santorum brought home a 20 week old stillborn for his children to hold. I didn't believe it either, but here's the article. Sad story equally balanced with a little creepiness.

Also, I'd like to add my favorite quote from the election coverage on CNN last night, courtesy of Jeff Greenfield: "Tammy Duckworth, running in Illinois, lost both of her legs in Iraq. She's currently trailing her opponent."

So... did you miss me?

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