Cool Baby Names

Above, newborn baby "Custard Poopsalot"

I was in the Strand the other day, aka "8 Miles of Litter Box Liner, Half a Block of Books", when I happened upon a book called "Cool Baby Names." Being about 5 months pregnant with a "food baby" (no doubt the result of my recent obsession with nutty brown rice), I couldn't resist.

What. A. Treat. Why name your child "Nicole" or "Kevin" when "Nyquoile" and "K'Vynne" are available? Why spend your valuable time actually raising your child to be unique, when naming it Unique is so much easier?

Another source for fucking your kid up for good, CoolBabyNames.com, has broken down their cool names by category:

Shakespeare Names
Gems, Minerals and Metal
Sports Names

Wow! I never would have thought I could name my kid after a sports star! Meet my my son Abdul-Jabaar Schwartz. And Shakeseare names?? I can hear the bone-on-bone schoolyard pummeling already.

Some other possible categories:

Entertainment Awards Names: Oscar, Emmy, Golden Globe, Razzie, Palme D'Or.
Feminine Hygiene Product Names: Always, Monistat, Kotex, Vagisil
Euphemisms For Gay Sex Names: Fudgepacker, Turdminer, Asspirate (pronounced Oss-pi-ra-tay), Santorum

You can thank me later.