Global Heart Warming

Let's start the morning off on the wrong foot, shall we? It's raining outside, it's dreary, I've got a stool-load of work to do, and I'm pretty sure I'm out of tampons. Bodily functions aside, my hair looks terrific. And I'm covered in strange dog hair (I don't own a dog).

SO! Rather than delve immediately into "funny" stories about dogs dressed like ambulance drivers and monkeys on rollerskates, let us warm our hearts instead.

First off, an ex-crack addict and homeles man has donated $10,000 to an art gallery. After receiving a large inheritance from his deceased mother (which reminds me, I need to call Aaron Spelling to reschedule our "date"), the newly rich ex-convict wanted to express his gratitude to the gallery after they allowed him to sleep in their doorway, no doubt while gallery owners sold canvases covered in black and white shit-smears for hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Ex-Crack Addict Gives $10K to Art Gallery

Also, a divorced American soldier fresh from the sandpits of Iraq has struck gold in the Assachusettes lottery, winning $200,000 a year for life. He plans on spending the money on "his kids' college education and [all the whores and booze money can buy.]"**

**Actual quote: Getting himself out of bankruptcy, but c'mon, we all know what that's code for.

Soldier Home From Iraq Strikes It Rich In Lottery

Finally, in keeping with the theme of "money", we have Zoot Money, pictured below. I don't know what this guy's famous for, but somethin' tells me it has a lot to do with baby-makin' music.