Thursday, July 22, 2004

A Whole Lotta Glove

A Tyson's Chicken worker is saying "Oh, THAT'S where I left it!" this morning, after an Ohio family discovered a chicken breast stuffed into a white glove inside a bag of frozen chicken. The embarrassed company has offered the family a double refund on their chicken and some chicken coupons. Just what they wanted, I'm sure. 8 dollars and some coupons.

What is wrong with America? Whenever something goes nauseatingly wrong with a food product, the response is always giving the customer coupons for more of that product! GENIUS MOVE, a-holes.

I was once a victim of playing "One Of These Things Doesn't Belong" with a packaged food product. During a brief and unsuccessful tryst with the Atkins diet, I developed a hankering for Reddi-Whip (not to be confused with S&M's favorite accessory Ready Whip). One afternoon, following a delectable main course of hotdogs and cheese, I decided to indulge my sweet tooth in some babykiller from a can. I squeeze out a particularly lovely-looking floret on the back of my hand, when I notice a black line against the white backdrop. I mush down the whip with my finger to discover a black hair came out from the can. A BLACK HAIR! And not just any middle-eastern/Greek looking hair... this hair was coarse, and unlike any human hair I had ever seen. Why, I think I found a cow hair in my Reddi-Whip!

I am on the Reddi Hotline before you can say "Lactose Intolerant." Thankfully, my situation did cause quite a stir on the other end. I was transferred to the manager, who gave me his usual "I-Can't-Believe-That-Happened-To-You" Response. I hung up the phone, convinced that I'd soon be rolling in the Reddi-Whip fortune they were sure to send me to keep me from talking to the press.

As promised, an envelope came approx. 3 months later. I tore it open to discover..... COUPONS. Coupons for more Reddi-Whip. WHAT THE FUCK. AM I GONNA DO. WITH MORE COUPONS. FOR A PRODUCT. FULL OF COW HAIRS? I ask you.

And don't even REMIND me of that time I found a pube in my Red Pepper Hummus. (true story.)

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